Will Grayson, Will Grayson(47)
Author: John Green

me: what can i do? i’m the wrong will grayson.

tiny: i just need a will grayson fix. i’ll be at your school in an hour. i’m already on the road.

me: you’re what?

tiny: you just have to tell me where your school is. i google-mapped it, but those directions always suck. and the last thing my mental health day needs is to be google-mapped into iowa at ten in the morning.

I think the idea of a ‘mental health day’ is something completely invented by people who have no clue what it’s like to have bad mental health. the idea that your mind can be aired out in twenty-four hours is kind of like saying heart disease can be cured if you eat the right breakfast cereal. mental health days only exist for people who have the luxury of saying ‘i don’t want to deal with things today’ and then can take the whole day off, while the rest of us are stuck fighting the fights we always fight, with no one really caring one way or another, unless we choose to bring a gun to school or ruin the morning announcements with a suicide.

I don’t say any of this to tiny. i pretend that i want him here. i don’t let him know how freaked out i am about him seeing more of my life. it seems to me that he’s cross-wired on his will graysons. i’m not sure i’m the one who can help him.

It’s gotten so intense – more intense than it was with isaac. and not just because tiny is real. i don’t know what freaks me out more – that i matter to him, or that he matters to me.

I tell gideon right away about tiny’s visit, mostly because he’s the only person in the school who i’ve really talked to about tiny.

gideon: wow, it’s sweet that he wants to see you.

me: i hadn’t even thought of that.

gideon: most guys will drive over an hour for sex. but only a few will drive over an hour just to see you.

me: how do you know this?

It’s sort of strange that gideon’s become my go-to g*y guy, since he’s told me the most play he’s ever gotten was at boy scout camp the summer before ninth grade. but i guess he’s been to enough blogs and chat rooms and things. oh, and he watches hbo-on-demand all the time. i am constantly telling him that i’m not sure the laws of sex and the city apply when there’s no sex and there’s no city, but then he looks at me like i’m throwing spiked darts at the heart-shaped helium balloons that populate his mind, so i let it go.

the funny thing is that most of the school – well, the part that cares, which is not that huge – thinks gideon and i are a couple. because, you know, they see g*y me walking in the halls with g*y him, and they immediately assume.

I will say this, though – i kind-of don’t mind it. because gideon is really cute, and really friendly, and the people who don’t beat him up seem to like him a lot. so if i’m going to have a hypothetical boyfriend in this school, i could do much worse.

still, it’s weird to think of gideon and tiny finally meeting. it’s weird to think of tiny walking the halls with me. it’s like inviting godzilla to the prom.

I can’t picture it . . . but then i get a text that he’s two minutes away, and i have to face facts.

I basically just leave mr. jones’s physics class in the middle of a lab – he never really notices me, anyway, so as long as my lab partner, lizzie, covers for me, i’m set. i tell lizzie the truth – that my boyfriend is sneaking into the school to meet me – and she becomes my accomplice, because even if she wouldn’t ordinarily do it for me, she’ll definitely do it for LOVE. (well, LOVE and g*y rights – three cheers for straight girls who max out on helping g*y guys.)

the only person who gives me grief is maura, who snorts out a black cloud when i explain my story to lizzie. she’s been trying to f**k up my silent treatment by eavesdropping on me whenever she can. i don’t know whether the snort is because she thinks i’m making it up or because she’s disgusted that i’m mistreating my physics lab. or maybe she’s just jealous of lizzie, which is funny because lizzie has acne so bad that it looks like bee stings. but whatever. maura can snort until all the brain-mucus has left her head and pooled at her feet. i will not respond.

I find tiny easily enough in front of the school, shifting from foot to foot. i am not about to start making out with him on school grounds, so i give him a guy-hug (two points of contact! only two!) and tell him that if anyone asks, he should say he’s moving to town in the fall and is checking out the school ahead of time. he’s a little different than when i last saw him – tired, i guess. otherwise, though, his mental health seems perfectly fine.

tiny: so this is where the magic happens?

me: only if you consider blind enslavement to standardized tests and college applications to be a form of magic.

tiny: it remains to be seen.

me: how’s the play going?

tiny: what the chorus lacks in voice, it makes up for in energy.

me: i can’t wait to see it.

tiny: i can’t wait for you to see it.

the bell for lunch rings when we’re halfway to the cafeteria. suddenly, there are people all around us, and they’re noticing tiny the same way they’d notice someone who decided to go from class to class on horseback. the other day i was joking with gideon that the reason the school made all of our lockers gray was so kids like me could blend in and make it through the hallways safely. but with tiny, that’s not an option. heads turn.

me: do you always get this much attention?

tiny: not so much. i guess people notice my extraordinary hugeness more here. do you mind if i hold your hand?

the truth is, i do mind. but i know that since he’s my boyfriend, the answer should be that i don’t mind at all. he’d probably carry me to class in his arms, if i asked him nicely.

I take his hand, which is big and slippery. but i guess i can’t hide the worry on my face, because he takes one look and lets go.

tiny: never mind.

me: it’s not you. i’m just not a hand-holding-in-hallways kind of guy. not even if you were a girl. not even if you were a cheerleader with big tits.

tiny: but i was a cheerleader with big tits.

I stop and look at him.

me: you’re kidding.

tiny: only for a few days. i totally ruined the pyramid.

we walk a little farther.

tiny: i suppose putting my hand in your back pocket is out of the question?

me: *cough*

tiny: that was a joke.

me: can i at least buy you lunch? maybe there’s even a casserole!

I have to keep reminding myself that this is what i wanted – this is what everybody is supposed to want. here’s a boy who wants to be affectionate with me. a boy who will get in his car and drive to see me. a boy who isn’t afraid of what everyone else is going to think when they see us together. a boy who thinks i can improve his mental health.