Will Grayson, Will Grayson(48)
Author: John Green

one of the lunch ladies actually laughs when tiny gets all gleeful about the empanadas that they’re serving in celebration of latino heritage week (or maybe it’s latino heritage month). she calls him sweetie when she hands it to him, which is pretty funny, since i’ve spent the last three years trying to win her over enough to stop getting the smallest piece of pizza from the tray.

when we get to the table, derek and simon are already there – gideon’s the only one missing. since i haven’t warned them about our special guest star, they look surprised and petrified when we walk over.

me: derek and simon, this is tiny. tiny, this is derek and simon.

tiny: lovely to meet you!

simon: ermm . . .

derek: nice to meet you, too. who are you?

tiny: i’m will’s boyfriend. from evanston.

okay, now they’re looking at him like he’s a magical beast from world of warcraft. derek’s amused, in a friendly way. simon is looking at tiny, then looking at me, then looking at tiny, in a way that can only mean that he’s wondering how someone so big and someone so wiry can have sex.

I feel a hand on my shoulder.

gideon: there you are!

gideon seems to be the only person in the school who doesn’t seem shocked by tiny’s appearance. without missing a beat, he leans his other hand out to shake.

gideon: you must be tiny.

tiny looks at the hand gideon has on my shoulder before shaking the hand that gideon’s offered. he doesn’t sound too happy when he says

tiny: . . . and you must be gideon.

his handshake has to be a little firmer than usual, since gideon actually winces before it’s through. then he leaves to pull up an extra chair to the table, offering tiny the place where he usually sits.

tiny: now, isn’t this cozy?

well, no. the smell of his beef empanada makes me feel like i’m locked in a small, warm room full of dog food. simon, i fear, is on the verge of saying something wrong, and derek looks like he’s going to blog about the whole thing. gideon starts asking tiny friendly questions, and tiny keeps giving one-word answers.

gideon: how was the traffic getting here?

tiny: fine.

gideon: is this a lot like your school?

tiny: meh.

gideon: i hear you’re putting on a musical.

tiny: yup.

finally, gideon gets up to buy a cookie, allowing me to lean over to tiny and ask

me: why are you treating him like someone who dumped you?

tiny: i’m not!

me: you don’t even know him.

tiny: i know his type.

me: what type?

tiny: the wispy cute type. they’re poison.

I think he knows he’s gone a little too far there, because he immediately adds

tiny: but he seems really nice.

he looks around the cafeteria.

tiny: which one’s maura?

me: two tables to the left of the door. sitting by herself, poor slaughtered lamb. scribbling in her notebook.

as if sensing our glance, she looks up in our direction, then puts her head down and scribbles more furiously.

derek: how is the beef empanada? in all my years here, you’re the first person i’ve ever seen finish it.

tiny: not bad, if you don’t mind salty. it’s like someone made a pop-tart out of beef jerky.

simon: and how long have the two of you been, like, together?

tiny: i dunno? four weeks, two days, and eighteen hours, i think.

simon: so you’re the guy.

tiny: what guy?

simon: the guy who almost lost us the mathletic competition.

tiny: if that’s true, then i’m very sorry.

simon: well, you know what they say.

derek: simon?

simon: g*y guys always put dicks before math.

me: in the whole history of the world, no one has ever said that.

derek: you’re just upset that the girl from naperville –

simon: don’t go there!

derek: – wouldn’t sit on your lap when you asked her to.

simon: it was a crowded bus!

gideon comes back with cookies for all of us.

gideon: it’s a special occasion. what did i miss?

me: dicks before math.

gideon: that makes no sense.

me: exactly.

tiny is starting to fidget, and he’s not even touching his cookie. it’s a soft cookie. with chocolate chips. it should be in his digestive system by now.

If tiny’s losing his appetite, there’s no way we’re going to make it through the rest of the school day. it’s not like i have any desire to go to class – why would tiny? if he wants to be with me, i should be with him. and this school will never let me.

me: let’s leave.

tiny: but i just got here.

me: you have just met the only people i ever interact with. you have sampled our fine cuisine. if you’d like, i can show you the trophy case on the way out so you can bask in the achievements of the alumni who are now old enough to be suffering from erectile dysfunction, memory loss, and death. i am never, ever, going to be able to display affection for you here, but if you get me in private, it will be another matter entirely.

tiny: dicks before math.

me: yes. dicks before math. even though i already had math class today. i’ll skip it retroactively to be with you.

derek: go! go!

tiny seems very pleased by this turn of events.

tiny: i’ll have you all to myself?

this is borderline embarrassing to admit in front of other people, so i just nod.

we gather our trays and say our good-byes. gideon looks a little bummed, but sounds sincere when he tells tiny he hopes we’ll all get a chance to hang out later. tiny says he hopes so, too, but not like he means it.

as we’re about to leave the cafeteria, tiny says he needs to make one more stop.

tiny: there’s something i have to do.

me: the restroom’s down that hallway, to the left.

but that’s not his destination.

he’s heading straight for maura’s table.

me: what are you doing? we don’t talk to her.

tiny: you might not – but i have a thing or two i’d like to say.

she’s looking up at us now.

me: stop. tiny: step aside, grayson. i know what i’m doing.

she makes a big production of putting down her pen and closing her notebook.

me: don’t, tiny.

but he steps forward and hovers over her. the mountain has come to maura, and it has something to say.

there’s a flash of nervousness across tiny’s face before he begins. he takes a deep breath. she looks at him with a studied blankness.

tiny: i just wanted to come over and thank you. i’m tiny cooper, and i’ve been dating this will grayson for four weeks, two days, and eighteen hours now. if you hadn’t been such an evil, selfish, deceitful, vindictive frenemy to him, we would have never met. it just goes to show, if you try to ruin someone’s life, it only gets better. you just don’t get to be a part of it.