Darkest Before Dawn (Page 118)

“I don’t hate you. I love you,” she whispered fiercely. “I love you. And you don’t get to decide for me. You don’t get to tell me that I don’t love you. There is nothing you can do to make me not love you.”

Thin rivulets trickled down his cheeks. His nostrils flared with every inhale as if he fought a vicious battle for control, not to completely break down.

She framed his beloved face in her palms and looked directly into his eyes.

“Now, listen to me, Guy, because this is important. It’s everything. Do not interrupt me until I am finished. Do you understand?”

He gave a chopped nod, and she pondered whether her telling him not to interrupt was even necessary. He wasn’t capable of saying a thing at the moment. He was simply too overcome.

“Now, if you walked away from me because you don’t want me and you don’t love me, then I have to accept that.”

He made a strangled noise in his throat, and she shot him a warning look, reminding him of his promise. But he didn’t look happy at all. He looked pissed, fire blazing in his eyes.

Good, she thought savagely. She’d take his anger and rage over the soulless look in his eyes any day of the week.

“However, if you walked away from me because you thought I hated you, because you truly believed you betrayed me, lied to me and felt you weren’t worthy of me, then I won’t accept that,” she said fiercely. “Because it’s bullshit. It’s all bullshit. And I will not throw away the best thing in my life because he’s decided he’s committed an unpardonable sin against someone who has already forgiven him.”

“Are you finished?” he demanded.

She nodded.

“Good. Because I fucking love you more than I’ve ever loved another human being in my life. You aren’t just the world, Honor Cambridge. You’re my world. My entire reason for living. Walk away from you because I don’t want you or love you? I walked away because you deserve better than me. Because you deserve a man who won’t fail to protect you and allow you to be nearly raped and then tortured. And I’m not that man,” he said in a savage voice.

“Yes,” she said calmly. “You are.”

Despair crept once more into his eyes.

“You have no idea what kind of life you’d have to live if you were with me. Because of the fact that I’ve accumulated more enemies over the years than the very monsters I’ve worked to take down, you would always be a target. You are my greatest weakness, and everyone in the goddamn world would know it and try to hurt me by getting to you. And they would hurt you. They’ve already hurt you,” he said in a tortured voice. “And I couldn’t bear it, Honor. I couldn’t live with myself if I lost you.”

“I’m glad you’re such a badass then,” she said lightly. “You’ll never, never let anyone hurt me.”

Guy closed his eyes, his fingers clenching into tight balls.

“Your trust in me staggers me. It humbles me when you have no reason to trust anything I say do or promise. But, Honor, the danger . . . that’s only part of. I’m a man who demands and expects complete control. In every aspect. As my woman, I would dominate you. I’d know your every movement. I’d expect you to check in with me anytime you so much as went to the grocery store.”

He lifted one hand to run it raggedly over his head.

“I’m demanding sexually. I don’t give up control in any aspect of my life, baby,” he said in an aching voice, as though he were admitting to murder. “I can’t. Control has been ingrained in me my entire life. I’ve been trained to always be in control of every aspect of every situation. How long do you think it would take before you began to feel smothered? How long would it take for me to kill the thing that sets you so far apart from the rest of the world? Your smile, your sunshine, your kindness and generosity. I would smother you, Honor. And eventually I would destroy you.”

She laughed, her smile wide as she took in his utter bewilderment at her reaction to his painful admission.

She held up her fingers, ticking off her points on each digit. “Let’s see, first, sexually dominant? I get the shivers thinking about it. I’ve already had a taste of sex with you, Hancock, and any idiot would know that you’re commanding, forceful and dominant as hell. I assure you, I’ll enjoy every moment of your dominance.”

She pressed another finger. “Second. Your need to know where I am at all times and you going overboard protecting me. Uhm, duh? I’m not an idiot, Guy. I’ve seen the worst this world has to offer and I’ve seen into your world. Quite frankly, I’m not going to want to go anywhere without you, and furthermore, if you want to hire an entire army to protect us, I’m in.”

She held up the last finger. “Now for the smothering, killing, stifling, destroying. I’m not going to give this much of a response because it doesn’t deserve it.”

She leaned over and touched his face, lightly pressing her lips to his.

“The only way you kill any part of me is if you no longer love and want me. If you walk away from me again. That will destroy me. Nothing else.”

He kissed her back, forceful, hot, scorching, like he was starved for her. And God, she was starved for him. For the last months she’d lived without the other half of her soul. Never did she want to endure that again.

Then he slipped off the bed, to his knees, reaching for her, pulling her to stand as he knelt before her. He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face between her breasts. Hot tears slithered over her skin, each one hurting her, like tiny daggers to her heart.