Lost for You (Lost #2)(14)
Author: B.J. Harvey

“Elle, he hasn’t given up yet, and it’s been nine months since we first saw him. I think we need to report this to the cops. They’re still investigating the shooting, and this might help them with the case,” I explain, placing my hand around her shoulder and pulling her into my side.

“I think you’re right,” she replies.

“I know, but I want to prove to you that I’m here to stay.” I look down at her beautiful face, my heart aching at the pain I’ve caused.

She puts her hand over my heart, gently stroking her fingers along my skin, and my heart starts hammering in my chest. “I do believe you, Brax. I’m just scared. Leaving me was the last thing I thought you’d do,” she says solemnly.

I lift her hand to my mouth and softly kiss her palm.

“I’ll never forgive myself for leaving you, sweetheart. My heart shattered the moment I left this bed, but I always knew I’d come back to you when it was safe,” I murmur.

She lifts her head and stares at me. “What does that mean, Brax?”

“There are some things I need to tell you, and I’m terrified that it’s going to change things between us.” I sweep a loose curl behind her ear. I have to touch her, knowing too well that this could be the last time I get the chance. But this conversation has been a long time coming, and it has to happen.

She notices the despondent look on my face, and seeks to reassure me. “Nothing you can tell me will change the way I feel about you. We only spent a week apart and look at what happened. I literally can’t breathe without you, Brax.” She grabs my hand, entwining our fingers and placing them together in her lap.

I absentmindedly start stroking my thumb over her knuckles and bite the inside of my cheek as I start to talk. “I don’t know where to start, sweetheart…”

“You know you can tell me anything. Nothing will change the way I feel about you.”

I exhale the breath I was holding. “When I turned up in your class ten months ago, it wasn’t a coincidence,” I start explaining. Looking up at her face, I see her eyes have widened and her hands have tensed up.

“What do you mean?” she asks cautiously. Her voice sounds flat as if she is caught between shock, anger, and confusion.

I grip her hand tightly, not giving her the chance to move it away. “I was hired to get close to you.”

Without warning, she yanks her hand out of mine and wraps her arms around herself as a sob catches in her throat.

“What are you saying? Are you a journalist or something?” she says, her furrowed brow giving away her worry.

“No! I’m not a journalist, but I’m not a student either. I work security and close protection for an organization in Atlanta,” I spit out quickly, knowing that I need to explain everything to her before she closes down and kicks me out of her life for good.

“You’ve been lying to me this whole time?” She lets out a deep, weighted sigh. I know this stress is not helping with her breathing.

“Darlin’, I was bewitched well before I met you, and not once have I ever lied to you about my feelings. My heart started beating the moment you came into my life.”

She looks up at me through tear-filled eyes. Her pain rips through me like a blunt knife.

“It feels like mine just stopped.”

7

“I need you to go,” I say in a low steady voice that I don’t even recognize. I take another painful breath, trying to appear strong even though my heart feels like it has just been cut through with a knife.

“Now, Brax. I need to be alone for a while. I need you to get away from me!” There is no mistaking the anger and hurt behind my words.

“Sweetheart-”

“I don’t think I can be around you right now. You’ve just thrown my whole world into chaos, even more that it already was. Everything I believed, everything I have relied upon in the past year, has just been thrown out the window. I need you to give me space to deal with this. If you have ever cared for me at all, if you’ve ever been true with me, you will go. Now!” I look at him through my tears, spitting out the last word like venom.

The look on his face devastates me. I know there is more to the story, and I know that there’s a hell of a lot more explaining to do, but right now I can’t stand the sight of him. He made me feel again, but now it feels as if he’s the one who has shot through me. The pain is worse than before. It’s as if I’ve lost him all over again, even though he’s still standing in the bedroom across from me.

“I’m gonna go crash at Shay’s. He’ll be outside if you need him.” He sounds defeated, almost broken.

Part of me is glad he feels that way. How dare he lie to me for all this time? I’ve let him in, opened my heart and my life to him. I’ve told him all my secrets, let him know about my past, bared my soul to him over and over again, and for what? Because he was being paid to protect me? Protect me from who exactly?

Obviously that worked out well, considering a stranger tried to kill me a month ago.

He stands in the doorway with his back to me, then turns his head around, his eyes glassed over.

“Don’t write me off, sweetheart. Don’t give up on us. Please, don’t decide anything until you hear the full story. When you’re ready to hear it, I’ll be here.”

“I need time, Brax. I need to get my head around this. You’ve just told me that everything I’ve believed in for the past ten months has been a lie,” I reply, my voice finally cracking.

He lets out a slow sigh, lifting his head again to look at me with a heart piercing stare, almost enough to make me crack and beg him to stay.

“I never once lied about loving you, darlin’. Every single touch, every kiss, every time we made love, it was real. You were my everything the moment I walked into that room.”

I gasp at the sincerity of his words. I fight every ounce of my being to call him back, to tell him I don’t care about any of it as long as he truly loves me. But I stop myself. I need time to digest what he’s just told me.

“Just give me time, Brax,” I whisper as he walks out of our bedroom.

I rack my brain, wondering how on earth to deal with this. I have no one except Brax and Shay. They have been the closest thing I’ve had to family in the past four years, and now I don’t know if I can even trust them.

Pulling myself back down the bed, I lie on my side, curling my body around itself and waiting for the dam to break. As I feel the stinging tears start to fall, I know I’ve cracked. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried; a long time since I’ve let myself feel anything worth crying over.