Love Me (Page 19)

“Don't feel sorry for me. I'm fine.”

“Are you?”

Her fork stilled halfway to her mouth. It started shaking in her hand and she dropped it to the plate in obvious frustration.

“Fuck. What is it about you that has me wanting to spill all my secrets?”

He didn't know. But he did know that he wanted to be there for her. For now, at least, while they were spending time together. Later...well, he wasn't going to think about later, didn't want to have to face the aftermath of being so close to Janica. And then not having her in his life anymore.

“Tell me, Janica.”

He realized that he hated to see her close herself off to him. That he much preferred the way she looked when she was in his arms and she was totally open, totally pure in her confession of love. Whether or not he believed that her loving him was even possible.

Needing to let her know she could trust him with the pain she felt over losing her paretns at such a young age, he said, “I want to listen to you.”

She stared at him in silence for long enough that he found himself fighting the urge to fidget on the bar stool.

Finally, he saw her come to a decision. To trust him.

“Even when I was a little girl I knew how strong I was. That I'd always figure out a way to take care of myself, no matter what happened. Lily was the emotional one. The soft one. Like I said before, I was so glad that she had you to protect her when we were growing up.” She paused, took a deep breath. A breath that shook a little bit and shifted something inside of his chest, broke something down, a wall he'd built around his heart so long ago. “But the thing is, sometimes my whole tough girl act gets a little old, even for me. Especially when it's what everyone expects from me, all the time.”

He should have been amazed to find out that she wasn't nearly as strong as she seemed. But, then, hadn't he already seen it for himself? When he was making love to her and tears were falling from her eyelashes as she confessed her love, wasn't she just as vulnerable as anyone else?

His voice gentle, he said, “It shouldn't matter what other people expect from you. You should be able to just be yourself.”

She looked out the window at the water, frowning. “I don't know who else I can be.” She turned and gave him a crooked grin that didn't quite reach her eyes. “Take you, for instance. You've always thought I was a total brat.”

At this point, he knew better than to try and deny it. She'd know he was lying. And the one thing he knew for sure was that he didn't want to ever lie to her.

“You're right. I did. But that didn't mean I wasn't impressed by you at the same time.”

Guilt had already kicked in big time at the way he'd treated her since last night. Before that even. And now that she was being so honest with him, he felt more contrite than ever.

“I don't want to hurt you, Janica.”

She blinked at his abrupt statement, her mouth opening slightly, her tongue flicking out in a surprisingly nervous gesture.

“Trust me, I'll tell you if you get too rough.” She smiled that sexy smile that sent blood rushing to his groin. “You haven't even gotten close yet.”

But he wasn't talking physical. God, he hated having to lay it out like this, but there was no other way. Not if it meant lying to her. Not if it meant making her promises that he couldn't possibly keep.

“Your coming here means more to me than I can say, Janica. But it won't work.”

She cocked her head to the side, acting like she didn't know exactly what he was saying.

“It?”

“Us. You and me.”

She licked her lips again, dropped her eyes to his mouth. “Seems to me we work together pretty damn well.”

Despite the heavy nature of their conversation, his cock instantly responded to her words, to that one look. And the awesome visuals and memories that went with them.

“Look, I've never been more sexually compatible with another woman, but—”

“But this thing we're doing could never be more than sex?”

Shit. He felt like the world's biggest asshole.

“Right,” he forced out. Asshole didn't even come close.

She didn't look angry, thank god, but he hated the slight downturn of her beautiful mouth. As if she was tasting something sour.

“Because you're you and I'm me? Apples and oranges?”

Again, he had to force out an, “Exactly.”

She stared at him as if daring him to look away. “I don't buy it.”

What the fuck? He'd just told her he couldn't foresee any kind of future with her and she was questioning him? Any other woman would've probably been crying. But not Janica.

Despite himself, his respect for her notched up another level.

And a sweet sense of relief that he hadn't seen coming flooded through him as she said, “I think you like me a whole lot more than you want to admit. And don't tell me that if I leave right now you won't be coming by my place later to fuck my brains out again.”

A warning light flashed before him. Partly because he was afraid she was right. Partly because he didn't want her to be right. He'd always been in control. Always.

But something told him where Janica was concerned, he might not ever be in control again.

It was unthinkable not to fight it, not to fight what he was feeling, not to fight what he couldn't possibly understand.

“Right there,” he said in just as challenging a voice as she'd made her previous statement, “that's exactly why we could never work as a couple.”

“A couple, huh?” She cocked one eyebrow up in an exaggerated manner.

She was turning his words around like a lawyer intent on prosecution. “Jesus, Janica, you're not listening to me!”

“Yes I am, Luke.”

“No, damn you, you're not!”

Fuck. He never raised his voice. Except with her.

“Actually,” she said sweetly, “I thought I'd been listening to you pretty darn well. Did I not drop to my knees or strip fast enough for you last night?”

“And that's another thing,” he found himself saying as he tried to keep up with her. “That's not how I have sex.”

“Could have fooled me,” she retorted. “Seemed like you knew exactly what you were doing.” She paused, narrowed her eyes. “At least in my experience.”