Out of Mind (Out of Line #3)(39)
Author: Jen McLaughlin

“Empty. So f**king empty.” Rubbing my jaw, I laughed uneasily. “Lonely. Sad. Full of regret and wishes and useless hopes. What else would it make me feel? I love her so much it hurts, and she’s not mine anymore. She never will be. I broke her heart.”

She nodded. “But you let her go. Set her free. Do you now think that was the wrong decision?”

“Fuck if I know. I was so messed up, I wasn’t even me.” I tugged on my hair. “I wasn’t good for her. She needed someone stronger than I was. A man who could protect her, be her partner. Not a burden.”

Dr. Montgomery steepled her fingers. “But you think you could be that man now? Is that what you’re saying?”

“I…I don’t know. She looks pretty happy without me.”

“Looks can often be deceiving.” She leaned back and studied me. I hated when she looked at me like that. She saw way too much. “So can words. After all, you told her you didn’t love her, but that was a lie.”

“Yeah, well,” I swallowed hard. “She didn’t seem to be broken up or anything. She looked like she’s moved on, and I’m happy for her. I am.”

“But…?”

“But I miss her so damn much.” I stood up and paced, my heart beating faster even though I swore it wasn’t there. “I want to go up to her and beg her to forgive me, but then my head gets in the way. What if she’s better off without me in her life? What if Riley makes her happier than I ever did or could? What right do I have to jump back into her life and f**k it all up again?”

She inclined her head, still watching me. “Is she with this Riley guy?”

“Not yet.” I looked out the window. “My buddy is her guard. He says this is the first time this happened.”

“The first time what happened?”

“They kissed.” I looked at her. “I saw it.”

She sat forward. “Did it trigger anything?”

“I had another nightmare last night.” I looked out the window. “I’m not sure if it’s because of that. They never really left. They just got less frequent.”

“All right.” She studied me, her eyes locked in on something I couldn’t see. “What else did it trigger?”

“Nothing, besides the need to get her back.” I sighed and headed back toward her. “And they’re meeting up for breakfast.”

“Ah, so there’s something starting.”

“I guess so.” I turned around at the wall and headed back toward the window, my steps agitated. “But if there’s nothing there yet, I’m not messing anything up, right? It’s not like they’re in love or anything.”

“The real question is: Are you ready for all that talking to Carrie would entail? The possibilities? The pain?”

I looked at her. “Isn’t that where you come in? Tell me. Am I ready?”

“You’ve been doing well. For all intents and purposes, you’re more yourself then you were when you showed up here the first time.” She crossed her arms. “Tell me again about that night. The night you turned it all around.”

I sat down on the couch and rubbed my temples. “Why?”

“Just trust me this time, Griffin.”

I rested my elbows on my knees. I hated when people used my full name. It reminded me of the senator. “I was drunk off my ass and went to Carrie’s dorm. It was the lowest point in my life.” I looked up at her. “I was ready to end it all; the pain was just too much. I couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t stand that I was the only one alive, and I was alone. And I missed her so damn much.”

She nodded. “And then…?”

“I went to the store to get rope to hang myself,” I whispered. “I deserved a rough death. Slow, painful, horrible. The whole way to the store, I was so f**king calm. No panic, no doubts. It’s what I wanted to do. But when I held the rope in my hand, deciding the best type…something stopped me. I thought about her, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do that to her. It would devastate her knowing I’d died alone and miserable.”

“Good.” She cocked her head. “And then…?”

“I took a deep breath, put down the rope, and walked to my buddy’s house, which used to be mine. Pounded on the door till he answered, and I told him I needed help before I hurt myself.” I sighed. “You already know this shit. Why are we going over it again?”

“I have a point.” She pursed her lips. “And he said…?”

“‘No shit, dude. You look like a f**king zombie.’” My lips twitched into a reluctant smile. “Then he hugged me, made me shower, and I slept for a day and a half. I made an appointment to see you, and I’ve been getting better every day. Really getting better, not just trying to.”

“And you haven’t thought about ending it all again?”

“No, not even once.” I dragged a hand down my face. “Does that mean I’m ready? Is that your point?”

“I don’t know. When you saw her with Riley, did you want to hurt yourself?”

“What? No.” I shook my head. “I was upset, but I’m done with that portion of my recovery, if you could call it that. I don’t even think about it anymore. It won’t make the pain go away. Nothing will. I miss my dad. Miss my friends. And I miss her the most, because she’s still here, but not with me.”

“What do you do instead of thinking about hurting yourself?”

“I accept the pain. Deal with it. Move the f**k on.” I tugged on my hair. “Life is full of shit. There’s not much to be done for it, and I’ve accepted it. My PTSD isn’t gone, but I’m coping.”

“What are your plans for the future?”

I laughed. “I have no idea. I’m out of the Marines, thanks to my injuries, and I’m not in private security anymore.”

“Do you want to be in either one?”

“I got offered a job with a private security firm.” I shrugged. “I said no.”

She nodded. “Why did you do that?”

“It was in Chicago.” I paused, knowing what she wanted to hear from me. “She’s here, in California. Why would I move there?”

“Ah, so you don’t want to leave her, but you don’t want to be with her?”

“I never said that,” I snapped. “I said I wasn’t sure if I would be best for her. That’s why I’m here, asking you if I’m ready. If I can try to get her to forgive me yet or not.”