Providence

Ryan chuckled, taking in my ludicrous idea. “I won’t have to do it anymore? You know this is better than anything I could have ever hoped for, right?”

“Ryan….” Afraid he would be offended and decide not to help me, I hesitated, “I have to be honest with you…we wil always be friends. I care about you, but I can’t let you go into this thinking it’s going to end up being something more. We’l just be pretending. I can’t… I don’t see myself being with anyone else. Ever,” I exhaled, glad that part of the conversation was over.

Ryan rol ed his eyes. “Why go through the charade? Why not just get a protective order?”

I looked down to my hands. “He’s just fol owing me around because he knows I stil love him.”

Ryan didn’t expect my answer, and his nose wrinkled in response. “If you stil love him, then why aren’t you with him?”

I crossed my arms. “Are you going to help me or not?”

“Josh is going to think I’m crazy.”

I shook my head. “You can’t tel anyone. Not Kim, not Tucker or Josh, not your mom. If you tel anyone, even just one person, he’l find out.”

“Is he FBI or something?” Ryan said, looking a bit creeped out. “What did you get yourself mixed up in, Nigh?

“Wil you do it for me? I know it sounds crazy, and I know it’s a lot to ask, but you’re the only one that can help me,” I said, tugging desperately at his shirt.

“Pretend to be your boyfriend? Lie to al my friends? Let you break my heart when it’s al said and done?”

I nodded sheepishly.

“Sure,” he said, smiling.

I wasn’t sure if the tears came from the fact that Ryan had agreed to help me, or that my plan would work, but I grabbed him and hugged him to me as if I needed him to breathe. He hugged me back, and then pul ed away, looking into my eyes.

“I’m going to regret this. I can already tel ,” he said, smiling softly.

We drove back to Brown, and as we walked from the parking lot, Ryan took my hand. “If we’re going to do this, we should do it right, right? No one is going to believe us if we never touch.”

“Right.”

I struggled to keep my emotions in check as we walked down the hal s of my dorm. Jared could see us and I fought against the guilt I felt for hurting him. If I was going to fool him at al , I would have to concentrate on feeling comfortable and happy with Ryan.

We stopped at my door and Ryan let go of my hand. “Are you sure you don’t want to come with us tonight?”

After I nodded, Ryan leaned in and kissed the corner of my mouth. I let my feelings for him as a friend bleed through the awkwardness so Jared wouldn’t be tipped off. I smiled at him as he turned to walk down the hal .

Over the next weeks, Ryan kept me busy going to the movies, meeting for lunch, and accompanying me to dinner. We spent time together every night, and shared a table at breakfast every morning. He even began to forgo plans with his friends. Soon, everyone was convinced that we were having a not-so-secret relationship.

It was uncomfortable for both of us at first, but after the first week we settled into our new roles. Ryan made a game of it, as he did everything else.

We bet on how soon someone would ask us to announce our relationship, and who it would be.

Our friendship grew stronger as the days past, and I began depending on him for more than fooling Jared. Ryan anesthetized the pain, and it wasn’t long before I found myself making excuses to be around him.

The day final y came that I had bet that Kim would ask what our status was. I made a show of stretching my legs across Ryan’s lap.

“Cheater,” Ryan whispered, too low for anyone else to hear.

“Okay. Are you guys together or not?” Kim asked.

Ryan grinned at me and I lifted al five of my fingers, reminding him that he owed me fifty bucks. Ryan shook his head at my gloating and then scanned the table. Everyone waited eagerly for the answer.

“Obviously,” he said as he rubbed my leg.

A broad smile spread across Kim’s face. “I knew it.”

Beth and Chad exchanged glances. I didn’t have to ask what was wrong because I already knew; she thought I was making a huge mistake.

“Wel , that explains why you’ve been bailing on us every weekend,” Josh said.

“Why don’t we al go out Friday?” Ryan shrugged.

I shot a surprised look at him and he smiled. Jared’s birthday was Sunday and the only present I could give him was to spend the weekend alone.

“I have plans with my mom this weekend,” I explained.

Ryan reached out to rub my shoulder. “But not until Saturday, right, Babe? We can go to the pub Friday.”

I held my breath to keep from lashing out at him. I couldn’t blow our cover by refusing to go to the pub or it would look suspicious. Even worse, I couldn’t tear into him later because Jared would hear.

“So are you going?” Beth asked.

“It looks that way,” I said, trying not to glare at Ryan.

Leaving the Ratty, I noticed something was different. I had held my breath and braced myself for Jared to be outside the door, but Jared wasn’t in his usual spot. He wasn’t waiting for me at al . My eyes fil ed with tears. I had final y hurt him enough to push him away.

“What’s wrong, Nigh?” Ryan asked, touching my back.

I couldn’t speak. Jared had final y given in. I had won…and I had lost.

“Nina,” Beth said, bringing me under her wing like a mother hen. “Let’s go home.”

“Do you want me to come?” Ryan cal ed after us.

“I’ve got her,” Beth waved him off as we continued walking.

As soon as Beth closed the door, her expression was morphed from sympathetic to incensed.

“Okay, you are going to tel me what’s going on, and you’re going to tel me now…or so help me, I’m going to cal Cynthia!”

While I contemplated whether I would lie or tel the truth, Beth stomped her foot.

“Nina!”

“I’m fine.”

Beth narrowed her eyes. “I know you’re fine. Everyone knows you’re fine. But you’re not fine! And what are you doing with Ryan? You look ridiculous!”

My head jerked to meet her glare, acutely aware of the microphone in the vent. “We’ve been friends for months, Beth. I care about him, and he cares about me. We’re just trying to see where it goes.”

“Liar,” she seethed, rol ing her eyes. “You love Jared. I don’t know why he’s practical y stalking you, or why you won’t talk to him when it was so obvious today that you miss him…but I know that you love him. And he loves you!” she said, the pitch of her voice rising with each point.

“You don’t know as much as you think you do,” I grumbled.

“Jared looks miserable, Nina. Don’t you care?”

I closed my eyes. “Can we please not talk about this?” I begged.

Beth sat beside me on my bed, her voice quiet. “You need to talk to someone.”

“The only person I can talk to about it is Jared, and I can’t talk to him.”

“Says who?” she asked, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

“Me.”

She rol ed her eyes. “Right. Because you’re saving him.”

I shook my head and looked at her. “Why are you pushing this? I thought you liked Ryan.”