Providence

I shut my eyes and remained silent.

We returned to the bar for another round of shots when I saw Kim heading outside, a cigarette already between her lips. I stumbled out behind her and raked my matted hair from my forehead as she flicked her lighter.

“Can I have one?” I asked, breathless and weaving.

“You want a cigarette?” she asked in disbelief.

I nodded and Kim shrugged, pul ing a stubby white stick from the smal box she was holding.

I put the cigarette between my lips flicked the lighter. Just as it sparked, Jared appeared in front of me with a disgusted look on his face.

“What are you doing?” He pul ed the cigarette from my mouth, broke it in half, and threw it to the ground. “You don’t smoke.” He frowned in disapproval, and I shrunk back into Kim.

“You’re drunk, Ryan’s drunk, I’m taking you home,” he said in a father-like tone.

I turned to open the door to the pub, but Jared grabbed my wrist. “Then let me cal you a cab,” his voice lost its authority and I winced at the pain in his voice.

Jared’s hand was the same warm blanket I remembered. After the number of drinks I’d had, I couldn’t hide my feelings. Jared’s eyes became animated in reaction.

He looked down to my hand and caressed my skin with his thumb. He had sensed the pensive feeling I’d had at his touch.

I pul ed away. “You need to go.”

“I can’t let you go with him when he’s been drinking.”

“Ryan already—,” I began.

“Jared,” Ryan said, bursting out of the bar. He nodded once at Jared and then looked at me and smiled. “Hey, Babe,” he said, jerking me against him and planting his mouth on mine.

My eyes widened and then I clinched them shut, trying to cover the fact that I was taken off-guard. After a few seconds, he pul ed away, looked into my eyes and then cupped my cheeks, kissing me again. I could tel by the way he held me that it was no longer for show. He had forgotten about our audience as he parted his lips, lightly touching his tongue to mine.

I pul ed away and immediately watched for Jared’s reaction; his expression frightened me. I slowly moved to stand in front of Ryan.

“Jared.…” I warned.

Jared’s breathing was uneven, and his eyes were raging storms. “Move out of the way, Nina.”

“She’s made her choice, Jared. It’s time you found someone else to….”

Jared lunged forward and then jerked back, held by two smal hands.

“It’s time to go,” Claire said as her brother froze under her touch.

“Hey, Claire!” Ryan smiled, unaware of how close he was to another trip to the hospital.

Claire glanced at him with an uncomfortable expression, keeping firm hands on her brother. She seemed surprised that Ryan had acknowledged her.

The cab slowed to a stop beside us and honked. I backed up against Ryan, turning to push him to safety. Jared walked toward me and for the first time I felt safer knowing Claire was near.

“Nina?” Ryan cal ed from inside the cab.

Jared stood just a few inches from me. “Don’t go home with him,” he begged, his face compressing inward. “You don’t have to do this. I’l stay away; you won’t even know I exist. Don’t do something we’l al regret just to push me away.”

Ryan poked his head out of the open door. “Who says she hasn’t already?” he asked, gripping my inner thigh.

Jared didn’t get far when he charged Ryan for the second time. Claire had kept her grip on him.

I wanted to tel Jared the truth: that he was the only one I’d ever wanted in that way, and he would always be the only one. But I couldn’t. He had just told me he would move on, and I had to let him.

“Come on, Jared. She’s not worth it,” Claire said, tugging on him.

Jared puffed as if the wind had been knocked out of him. “She’s worth it. She’s worth this a thousand times,” his eyes glossed over then, and he final y tore his stare away from mine to fol ow his sister.

I slid in next to Ryan and he reached across me to shut the door. The cab ride seemed to take an eternity. I could hear Ryan chattering, but the look on Jared’s face had me spiraling into devastation so deep that it grew difficult for me to breathe. I rol ed down the window and rested my head against the door, letting the icy wind burn my face.

“Hey? You okay?” Ryan asked.

I couldn’t answer. My heart was breaking; a real, physical pain radiated from my chest and throughout my entire body. Ryan put a gentle hand on my shoulder and pul ed me against him. I expected to feel the comfort I always felt with him, but it only made me feel worse.

When we pul ed into Brown, Ryan reached up to pay the driver and then stumbled from the cab. He twirled me a few times as we walked to Andrews, and when we reached the door, he pul ed me to him.

“Goodnight,” he said, kissing my cheek. His lips brushed against my skin as he tightened his grip around me and took a few steps, prompting a slow, silent dance in the middle of the sidewalk.

“I should go in,” I whispered.

Ryan’s lips grazed my cheek and skimmed across my mouth. He sighed as he made his way to my other cheek, and then kissed me again.

He took a few steps backward and grinned. “I’l cal you tomorrow,” he said, turning to disappear into the darkness.

With each step to my room I tried to figure out where everything had gone so horribly wrong. I hadn’t set out to hurt anyone, yet every decision I made seemed to cause others pain. I pushed open the door and col apsed onto my bed.

Through the whiskey fog I searched my past, trying to remember the exact moment that I’d made a mistake, where I could have made a better choice. If I had chosen to stay with Jared, no matter how sure he was, his family would be in danger. My choice to end things had left both of us in agony that didn’t seem to be subsiding. Convincing Ryan to engage in a fake relationship with me had only accomplished Ryan having false hope, and if it were even possible, I hurt Jared worse than I already had.

Beth’s key rattled the door knob. She walked in to our dark room, throwing her purse onto the bedside table.

“Nina?” she whispered. “Are you awake?”

“I thought you went to Chad’s,” I said, turning to face her.

She sat on my bed and placed her hand gently on my leg. “I wanted to make sure you were al right.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” The liquor helped to keep my voice even.

Beth was aggravated with my calm demeanor. “We al saw what happened. Is Ryan insane?”

“He was just trying to make a point.”

Beth shot a disgusted glance at me. “What point would that be? That he has suicidal tendencies? Jared could have wadded him up like a piece of paper, and considering his state of mind…that was just real y, real y stupid.”

“I’m going to sleep. I have a lot to do tomorrow,” I said, settling against my pil ow.

“Why are you so calm about this? I don’t understand you anymore, Nina. It doesn’t seem like you’re thinking clearly.”

I smiled, my eyes closed. “I’m not thinking clearly. I’ve had a lot to drink.”

Beth shook her head. “You’re not acting like yourself. It’s like you left the best part of you behind when you left Jared.”

“Thanks,” I snapped, turning my back to her.