Providence

“That’s not what I meant, I just meant….” Beth sighed and then left without saying goodbye.

Sunday morning I woke up to the sound of the rain pelting against the window. I peered out, seeing Jared’s Escalade just down the street. My chest ached, knowing how hard it must have been for him to be alone on his birthday. I fantasized about bringing him a present, or simply running out to hug him, but I could do neither. As soon as I shut the door behind me from returning from the shower, there was a knock at the door.

“Just a minute!” I cal ed, rushing to throw some clothes on.

I opened the door to Ryan’s smiling face, his hair dripping wet. “I was wondering if you wanted to take a drive?”

“Your truck is at the pub, Ryan.”

He smiled, wiping away the water that ran down his forehead from his hairline. “Josh took me to get it earlier. You wanna go?”

I shook my head. “It’s pouring outside.”

“So…,” he stal ed, shoving his hands in his pockets, “you wanna hang out here?”

I smiled apologetical y. “I have a huge test tomorrow, first thing in the morning. I need to cram.”

Ryan shrugged again. “I can help you.”

“I have to do it by myself. You know how I am,” I said dismissively.

“Yeah, I just…,” he sighed, “I can’t quit thinking about that kiss.”

“Oh.”

Ryan walked past me into my room. “I know what you said. But…don’t you have any feelings for me at al ? Can’t we stop pretending long enough to find out if I could make you happy? I could, you know…make you happy.”

Ryan’s mention of our arrangement caused me to glance up at the vent, but it didn’t matter. Jared saw right through me from the very beginning.

“You do make me happy. I just don’t have anything left to…,” I shook my head. “I can’t talk about this right now. I have to study,” I said, opening the door.

“Do you have plans for dinner?” he asked.

I hugged him. “No. I’l talk to you tomorrow.”

It would be the beginning of the end for us. Jared had agreed to stay away, and Ryan knew that our time was limited. He nodded and left my room, disappointed.

Studying was nothing less than impossible, knowing Jared was outside. I peered out the rain-streaked window again to see that Jared hadn’t moved. The urge to go to him became unmanageable, so I grabbed my keys and set out to take a coffee break off campus.

I drove just a few blocks to the nearest coffee shop and went in, ordering my usual. I took my time, lingering in the booth, watching different faces come and go. Fantasies of surprising Jared with a gift kept creeping into my thoughts, and I final y resorted to returning to my dorm.

As soon as I walked outside, I noticed Jared in my peripheral. His shirt was wet from standing in the rain, and I held my breath as I passed him. The circles under his eyes were dark, and his face appeared paler than his natural golden tone.

My feet refused to take another step. No matter what I had said, I stil loved him. I couldn’t make him feel like a ghost on his birthday. I closed my eyes, knowing I would go against everything I had worked for in the last six weeks. I was at a crossroad, and I was about to deliberately take the wrong turn.

I turned on my heels and walked straight up to him. Jared watched me with wary eyes, obviously unsure of what to expect.

Although I had made strangers of us over the last weeks, it felt right be close to him again. I felt no awkwardness or tension, and I could see beyond his cautious expression that he felt the same.

I took a deep breath. “Happy Birth—,”

Before I could finish, Jared grabbed my shoulders and pul ed me against him into a deep kiss. My lips melted against the familiar heat of his mouth, and as I breathed in his amazing scent, I felt a bit lightheaded. When Jared realized I wouldn’t pul away, he wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly against him, shamelessly taking advantage of the moment. Minutes passed and I could hear the giggling of children and teenage girls as they walked by. When his lips final y left mine, he hugged me tightly and buried his face in my neck, taking in a deep breath through his nose. He caressed his cheek against mine for a few moments more, and then final y released me.

He scanned my face for some sort of reaction. I wasn’t sure what expression was on my face, but Jared looked cautiously pleased.

“Day,” I finished, breathlessly.

His eyes were a few shades lighter than I’d seen them in weeks. I waited for a moment, and al owed my lips to form a tiny smile before returning to my car.

“Nina?” Jared cal ed.

I turned around and a tired smile touched his face. “That’s al I wanted today.”

My heart sank at his words, and I wished the world would leave us alone so I could stay with him. The memory of Harry Crenshaw pressing a gun to Bex’s temple flashed in my mind, and I stiffened.

“Goodbye, Jared.”

Chapter Seventeen

Absolution

Finals week arrived. The little sleep I’d gotten before became nonexistent with the amount of studying and cramming I had to do. I studied with the group at the Rock every night, only to return to my room to read and memorize in solitude.

Ryan continued to pretend, walking me to lunch, to classes, and back and forth from my room. He was the perfect boyfriend; he opened doors, brought late night brain food, and he even rubbed my shoulders while quizzing me on study guides. A part of me wondered if he was trying so hard because he knew the end of the week meant the end of pretending, and he hoped I would change my mind.

Beth and Chad found an apartment, and some of her things were already packed in boxes. A sad air befel the room when we were both in it, surrounded by cardboard. The wal s looked empty and clinical without her teddy bears and tiaras displayed on the wal s and ribbons dripping from the shelves.

Thursday night, occasional cracks of thunder rattled the windows. The rain beat against the window in a heavy gust, and Beth sighed at her careful y highlighted textbook. I slammed my book shut and put a CD in the stereo, twisting the volume knob as high as it would go.

“What are you doing?” Beth yel ed over the music.

I jumped up and down, holding my hands out to her. “It’s our last night as roomies, roomie! We’re sending you out in style!”

Beth giggled and stood up, grabbing my hands and shaking her hair to the beat as we bounced together. After a few songs, a loud banging resounded from the door. I shimmied over to open it, laughing when I saw Kim’s smiling face.

“Sounds like a party!” she yel ed, holding up two six packs of cheap beer. “I come bearing gifts!”

“Woo!” Beth squealed. Her hair flapped about as she danced in her bare feet.

Before I’d finished my first can, another knock on the door revealed a rather wet and confused Ryan, who cringed at the volume of the stereo.

“What are you doing?” Ryan yel ed. A wide grin stretched across his face as he watched us bounce.

“It’s our impromptu going away party for Beth!” I yel ed back.

“Cool! I’l make phone cal s!” Ryan exclaimed, pul ing out his cel phone.

Within twenty minutes, our room was shoulder to shoulder with our entire study group, plus a few girls from down the hal that had wandered in out of curiosity. Kim and Tucker were jumping on Beth’s bed, and the rest of us were dancing and laughing.