Seductive Chaos (Bad Rep #3)(63)
Author: A. Meredith Walters

“You know that’s ridiculous, right?” I reasoned. Cole gave me a look. One that wasn’t entirely pleased with my less than sensitive response.

“Yes, I know it’s ridiculous. But sometimes how you feel isn’t exactly rational.”

I got that. Probably better than most.

“But I respect him. I really do. He’s a cool guy. And I honestly hate the way things are between us right now.”

I dropped the cards. “What happened, Cole? Why aren’t you talking to the other guys?” I asked.

Cole opened his mouth to answer me then shut it, giving me a shaky smile. “Uh-uh. You have to win to get me to answer. Now deal.”

I was disappointed but determined to win some more games. There was too much I wanted to know. Too much that of the mystery that I needed to solve.

I lost the next three games. And in doing so I had to admit the age in which I lost my virginity (sixteen), who the guy was, (Samuel Davis), and my favorite movie (Dirty Dancing, of course).

“I feel like I’m giving you everything and I’m not getting anything in return. It’s the story of our entire relationship I suppose,” I said, only semi-bitterly. I had consumed several Lemon Drops and was feeling a pleasant, hazy glow.

It was nice having Cole in my apartment. It was cool hanging out with him in a way that I had never done before. And it was really great having him ask me things about myself that he seemed to sincerely want to know.

But I wanted to go deeper. I wanted to know Cole.

“Okay, enough of the game,” Cole said, taking the cards from my hand and putting them in a pile on the coffee table.

“Hey, I was totally going to win the next hand,” I complained.

“We don’t need a card game to talk to each other. Let’s just have a conversation like normal people,” he suggested and I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah, cause we’re so normal,” I scoffed.

“You keep rolling your eyes, they’re going to get stuck like that,” he joked, smoothing the frown lines between my eyebrows with his finger.

“You said I wasn’t giving you anything. Well, let’s talk. What do you want from me?” he asked.

Damn. What a loaded question.

I took a deep breath and thought long and hard about how I was supposed to answer that.

“Why all the girls, Cole? Why wasn’t I ever enough for you?” I asked posing the question that had tormented me for so long. I hated how weak and vulnerable I sounded, but it needed to be answered. If I was ever to move on, if I was to ever get past this thing with Cole, I had to know why he continued to hook up with other women when he had me.

What was it about me that didn’t fulfill him?

“God, Viv,” he murmured, cupping my cheek.

“You have always been more than enough for me. When you’re around, everything else fades away. All I see, all I want is you.”

“Then why, Cole? Why did you humiliate me over and over again?” I demanded, my voice cracking with emotion.

He rubbed his thumb along my skin; his eyes agonized.

“Because I’m a f**king idiot. Because I thought that being with all of those women meant that I mattered. That they wanted me. I was trying like hell to fill this ugly void inside and I ended up only feeling empty. Until I was with you. And then you made me feel alive.”

My heart fluttered wildly in my chest. Hadn’t I just thought the same thing about him?

“You made me look like a moron, Cole. People think I’m a total doormat for putting up with your shit. I hate the way you make me look,” I whispered, feeling my eyes start to glaze over, hot with unshed tears.

“Baby, you’re not a moron. I’m the moron. I’m the dumbass who didn’t see what I had until it was gone. I took for granted that you were there. That you would always be there. Until you weren’t anymore. And then all this stuff started going down with the band and the only person I wanted to talk to was the one person who wanted nothing to do with me.”

I pulled back. His hand on my face was far too intimate.

“Growing up, all I had were my looks. The girls wanted me because I was nice to look at. And I used it to my advantage. I didn’t have parents that wanted me around so I found attention where I could. And then the band happened and it was like everyone wanted me. And for the first time in my life I thought that I had something that could make me happy. But I was wrong. Because those girls, the audience, they don’t want me. They want the singer. The image. There are only a handful of people on this earth that know the real Cole Brandt. And I’ve systematically shit on each and every one of them.”

Cole leaned back on the couch and covered his face with his hands. I didn’t move. I didn’t comfort him. I let him be. He needed to have this realization on his own. I wouldn’t coddle or console him. He needed to feel the pain and the ugly. He needed to see how his selfish behavior had impacted everyone around him.

This was Cole’s come to Jesus moment.

“Jose has been telling me I’d be more successful going out on my own. He says there’s a major label that wants to consider signing me, but as a solo act. Not with the Rejects,” he let out in a rush.

“Why don’t they want the Rejects?” I asked, not understanding.

Cole lowered his hands but wouldn’t look at me.

“Jose says I’m where the money’s at. I’m the one bringing the chicks in the door. I’m the image and the appeal. He’s blown so much smoke up my ass I’m probably going to float the f**k away. He says he’s found a clause that will get me out of my Pirate Records contract. And then I’ll be free to sign with who ever I want. I’ll be able to write my own music. Do my own thing. He says the guys are holding me back.”

“And what do you think?” I asked.

“I think my head is a mess and I don’t know what I think.”

Slowly, I reached out and took his hand, gripping it. He turned his palm up and twined his fingers with mine.

“Well, stop thinking with your head. What does your heart say?” I asked.

Cole’s eyebrows rose. “What does my heart say? Are you serious?” he chuckled.

I smacked his arm. “Yes, I’m serious. Stop overanalyzing and think with that thing that beats in your chest. At the end of the day, what do you want to do?” Cole was silent as he considered my question.

“What will make you happy?” I demanded.

Cole stared at me for a long time, chewing his lip ring.