The Sea of Tranquility(69)
Author: Katja Millay

“I did mean it. It was just stupid.”

“Wow. Even better. You’re on a roll. Keep going.”

“You’re not going to make this easy are you?”

“That was the nicest thing anyone’s said to me since I’ve been here and you took it away. So, no.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

“But you did.”

I know I did. I can tell. She can’t cover the hurt in her expression, even though I know she’s trying.

“You know I meant it. I am human. And male. And not remotely blind. Do you want me to say it again? You are distractingly, even-if-that-is-not-a-real-word, pretty. You are so pretty that I bullied Clay Whitaker into drawing me a picture of you so I could look at you when you aren’t around. You are so pretty that one of these days I’m going to lose a finger in my garage because I can’t concentrate with you so close to me. You are so pretty that I wish you weren’t so I wouldn’t want to hit every guy at school who looks at you, especially my best friend.” I stop to catch my breath. “More? I can keep going.” I can keep going, but even as I say all of this, I know it’s not quite true. She’s not just distractingly pretty. She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and I want to touch her so badly right now that it’s almost impossible to keep my hands from reaching out and doing it.

“How?” Her eyes are searching mine like she doesn’t quite believe me and they’re so wide that I think I could walk right into them if she’d let me. “I’ve changed my clothes at your house a hundred times. You never try to look. I sleep in your bed. You never come near me.”

“I didn’t know I was allowed.”

“You were waiting for permission?” She looks at me like I’m insane and I wonder if I am.

“I said I was male. I didn’t say I was an ass**le.” The silence that used to be so comfortable is torture right now so I fill it. “I’m not Drew.”

She picks up the baton thing and starts swinging it around and I realize that it’s a weapon. Her keys are attached to one end of it and they’re spinning so fast that they’re nothing but a blur. I want to reach out and still it, but I think if it hit me it would seriously hurt. “Drew’s not really an ass**le; he just plays one on TV,” she says, shaking her head and wincing. “Sorry. That wasn’t even remotely funny.”

“Not even a little,” I smile. “But you’re right. He’s really not an ass**le.” I don’t know why it makes me happy that she sees that about him, but it does.

“Why are we talking about Drew?” Good question, Sunshine. Because it’s easy. Because if we stop, we’re going to have to deal with what we’re doing here and neither of us knows how. We suck at this.

“Will you have dinner with me tomorrow night?” I spit the words out before I can talk myself out of them.

“It’s Sunday. We always have dinner together.”

“No. Just us.”

“You don’t want to go to Drew’s?” She looks confused.

“No.” I definitely do not want to go to Drew’s.

“Why not? Are you still pissed about the sex thing? He said he told you it wasn’t true.”

“I’m trying to ask you out and you’re making it really impossible.”

She stops spinning the baton. “Why would you ask me out?”

“Isn’t that what people do? Go on dates?” People still do that, right? Leigh never expected movies and dinner first, so I really don’t have a clue.

“I don’t know. I’ve never been on a date.” And it’s swinging again.

“Never?”

“Sorry, no. Never really had a chance. My life hasn’t exactly been what you’d classify as normal. How many dates have you been on?” Her defensiveness is kicking in.

“None.” My life hasn’t been quite normal, either. “Guess we’re both freaks.”

“I think we established that a while ago.”

“So let’s pretend. One night. We’ll go out and pretend we’re normal.” We never even left the foyer, so I’m still right next to the door, but I’m not ready to open it yet. She looks scared. Like she thinks this is a very bad idea and any second now she’s going to say so. I put my hands on either side of her face so she has to look at me. “One night,” I repeat, not giving her a chance to formulate an excuse. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow.” I press my lips to her forehead, even though that’s not where I want them at all.

“Are you still with her?” she whispers, and I can’t believe I didn’t think to tell her. Actually, I can, because I’ve never discussed Leigh with her. Not once. I wonder if it’s been in her head this whole conversation.

“No,” I say.

“Not even just for‌—‌” she stops and looks uncomfortable and I kind of want to laugh because some of the conversations she has with Drew would make a  p**n  star blush, but she can’t spit this out. Looking at her now, I’m forced to admit to the vulnerability that she’s always been hiding behind every sexual innuendo and under every tight black dress.

“Not for anything. I promise.” I trace my thumb under her bottom lip and back away before I let myself kiss her, because I’ve been waiting to kiss her for months and I don’t want to do it standing in the foyer while she has a weapon in her hand and we just got done talking about Leigh.

She nods and looks embarrassed for asking, but she shouldn’t be. I would have needed to know if it was the other way around.

“So, tomorrow. You and me. Normal. All right?”

“All right.” She smiles, but it’s not even a real smile, just the vague idea of one.

I turn toward the door, but she stops me.

“What am I supposed to wear?”

I shrug because I don’t even know where we’re going yet.

“Wear something normal.”

***

I pull up to my house just in time to see Clay Whitaker walking back to his car in my driveway. He looks nervous when he sees me.

“What’s up?” I ask. I didn’t even know he knew where I lived.

“You never told me what you thought of the picture.” Nice try, Clay, but that’s not why you’re here.

“Picture was perfect, Clay. You know it was. What do you want? Because you don’t do subtle well.”