The Struggle (Page 37)

I don’t know what to do. If I can’t get my diary back from Caroline, she’s going to read it in front of everyone. She’ll have a perfect opportunity; she’s one of the three seniors chosen to read poetry during the closing ceremonies. Chosen by the school board, of which Tyler’s father is a member, I might add. I wonder what he’ll think when this is all over?

But what difference does it make? Unless I can come up with a plan, when this is all over I’ll be beyond caring. And Stefan will be gone, run out of town by the good citizens of Fell’s Church. Or dead, if he doesn’t get some of his Powers back. And if he dies, I’ll die too. It’s that simple.

Which means I have to find a way to get the diary. I have to.

But I can’t.

I know, you’re waiting for me to say it. There is a way to get my diary – Damon’s way. All I need to do is agree to his price.

But you don’t understand how much that frightens me. Not just because Damon frightens me, but because I’m afraid of what will happen if he and I are together again. I’m afraid of what will happen to me… and to me and Stefan.

I can’t talk about this any more. It’s too upsetting. I feel so confused and lost and alone. There’s nobody I can turn to or talk to. Nobody who could possibly understand.

What am I going to do?

November 28, Thursday, 11:30p.m.

Dear Diary,

Things seem clearer today, maybe because I’ve come to a decision. It’s a decision that terrifies me, but it’s better than the only alternative I can thinkof.

I’m going to tell Stefan everything.

It’s the only thing I can do now. Founders’ Day is Saturday and I haven’t come up with any plan of my own. But maybe Stefan can, if he realizes how desperate the situation is. I’m going over to spend the day at the boarding house tomorrow, and when I get there I’m going to tell him everything I should have told him in the first place.

Everything. About Damon, too.

Oh, I’m scared. My stomach is churning. I could barely touch Thanksgiving dinner – and I can’t keep still I feel as if I might fly apart into a million pieces. Go to sleep tonight? Ha.

Please let Stefan understand. Please let him forgive me.

The funniest thing is, I wanted to become a better person for him. I wanted to be worthy of his love. Stefan has these ideas about honor, about what’s right and wrong. And now, when he finds out how I’ve been lying to him, what will he think of me? Will he believe me, that I was only trying to protect him? Will he ever trust me again?

Tomorrow I’ll know. Oh, God, I wish it were already over. I don’t know how I’ll live until then.

Elena slipped out of the house without telling Aunt Judith where she was going. She was tired of lies, but she didn’t want to face the fuss there would inevitably be if she said she was going to Stefan’s. Ever since Damon had come to dinner, Aunt Judith had been talking about him, throwing subtle and not-so-subtle hints into every conversation. And Robert was almost as bad. Elena sometimes thought he egged Aunt Judith on.

She leaned on the doorbell of the boarding house wearily. Where was Mrs. Flowers these days? When the door finally opened, Stefan was behind it.

He was dressed for outdoors, his jacket collar turned up. "I thought we could go for a walk," he said.

"No." Elena was firm. She couldn’t manage a real smile for him, so she stopped trying. She said, "Let’s go upstairs, Stefan, all right? There’s something we need to talk about."

He looked at her a moment in surprise. Something must have shown in her face, for his expression gradually stilled and darkened. He took a deep breath and nodded. Without a word, he turned and led the way to his room.

The trunks and dressers and bookcases had long since been put back into order, of course. But Elena felt as if she was really noticing this for the first time. For some reason, she thought of the very first night she’d been here, when Stefan had saved her from Tyler’s disgusting embrace. Her eyes ran over the objects on the dresser: the fifteenth century gold florins, the ivory-hiked dagger, the little iron coffer with the hinged lid. She’d tried to open that the first night and he’d slammed the lid down.

She turned. Stefan was standing by the window, outlined by the rectangle of gray and dismal sky. Every day this week had been chilly and misty, and this was no exception. Stefan’s expression mirrored the weather outside.

"Well," he said quietly, "what do we need to talk about?"

There was one last moment of choice, and then Elena committed herself. She stretched out a hand to the small iron coffer and opened it.

Inside, a length of apricot silk shone with muted luster. Her hair ribbon. It reminded her of summer, of

"About this," she said.

He had taken a step forward when she touched the coffer, but now he looked puzzled and surprised. "Aboutthat ?"

"Yes. Because I knew it was there, Stefan. I found it a long time ago, one day when you left the room for a few minutes. I don’t know why I had to know what was in there, but I couldn’t help it. So I found the ribbon. And then…" She stopped and braced herself. "Then I wrote about it in my diary."

Stefan was looking more and more bewildered, as if this was not at all what he’d been expecting. Elena groped for the right words.

"I wrote about it because I thought it was evidence that you’d cared about me all along, enough to pick it up and keep it. I never thought it could be evidence of anything else."

Then, suddenly, she was speaking quickly. She told him about taking her diary to Bonnie’s house, about how it had been stolen. She told him about getting the notes, about realizing that Caroline was the one who was sending them. And then, turning away, pulling the summer-colored silk over and over through her nervous fingers, she told him about Caroline and Tyler’s plan.