Forgiving Lies (Forgiving Lies #1)(41)
Author: Molly McAdams

I wanted to fight him on staying, but my eyelids were already drooping and I was asleep before I could try to say anything.

THE NEXT TIME I woke it was dark in the room. The only lights and sounds were coming off the multiple machines I was hooked up to and the hallway outside my cracked door. I wasn’t in much pain this time, but the wraps on my torso and arms, as well as the bandages on my throat and chest, were making it impossible to forget why I was in there. My body felt heavy, like I was weighted down with bricks, and even turning my head was—

My body locked up and I tried to throw up my walls, but my heart was betraying me. It pounded just as hard as it always did when Kash . . . Logan . . . whoeverthefuckhewas, was near. I looked at his handsome face through the sliver of light peeking in the room and tried to figure out just who he was.

This man who had stolen my heart.

His expression was kept carefully blank, but I saw the haunted look in his eyes. And knowing Kash, I’d bet that if the room had been well lit, I’d have been able to see the muscle tic in his jaw. But . . . I didn’t know him.

“Who are you?” I asked, my voice hoarse and raspy from a combination of too much sleep, stress, and trying to scream against the gag.

My haunted stranger’s eyes widened and he jerked back in his chair. Looking at the door, to the machines, and back to me, his mouth opened and shut once before a horrified whisper filled the room. “Rach, you—y-you don’t . . . remember who I am? They didn’t—they didn’t tell me you were having memory loss.”

He stood quickly and grabbed the chart off the end of my bed. Laying it near my feet, he started flipping through pages and leaning close to read in the dark. It was only then that I noticed his right arm was in a sling. He was hurt? Had that happened when he tackled Blake off me?

A shudder rolled through my body and I cleared my throat. “I remember you. I remember everything.” He stopped looking through the file and looked back at me. “But I don’t know who you are.”

His face looked pained as realization set in. “Rachel—”

“You look an awful lot like a guy I was engaged to. But that guy—” My voice shook and tears filled my eyes. “See, the funny thing about him . . . is he wasn’t real.”

“Rachel.” His voice was full of anguish as he walked back to the side of the bed and pulled the chair close to me. “I didn’t want you to find out that way . . .”

“Who. Are. You?”

“Babe, you know me.”

“No. I don’t, and you don’t get to call me that.” The tears were now falling freely down my face and my heart began cracking all over again. “What is your name?”

“Logan Ryan. Not Hendricks, and my middle name is Kash; I’ve gone by that my entire life.”

“And Mason?”

“Mason Gates. And he’s not my cousin. We met at the police academy almost five years ago.”

I nodded and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. “So, you’re a cop?”

“Uh, yeah. Mason and I are partners. Up until we moved here, we were undercover narcotics division. Why we’re here is a long story, but we came to find the killer behind the Carnation Murders. We had to stay undercover as we looked for him. And, Rachel”—he leaned forward, putting a hand on my arm and keeping it there even when I tried to jerk it away—“I swear we had no idea it was Blake West. We were following a trail for someone else. If I had known, you wouldn’t have ended up here. Babe, I’m so sorry.”

I let the babe slip as my mind raced. “Carnation Murders? What— I don’t— Wait. Plural? Blake . . . Blake killed people?” I remembered what Blake had said to me: So none of them deserved to have your beauty . . . And like the other Rachel imposters . . . Oh my God.

Kash’s eyes roamed over me, his face twisted in what could only be described as agony. “He won’t hurt anyone again. He’s dead.”

I couldn’t have stopped them even if I tried. My steady tears as my heart broke over Kash suddenly turned into loud sobs as I took everything in. Blake was a killer. He’d tried to kill me. He was dead now. Kash was an undercover cop. Kash, the only person to see through my walls and knock them down, was a stranger.

He hunched over the bed and, with the arm that wasn’t in the sling, cupped my cheek and attempted to brush the tears away. His forehead rested on mine as he tried to calm me.

“It’s okay, Rachel. He’ll never touch you, or anyone, again. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I failed you. I didn’t protect you, and God, I’m so damn sorry. I love you so much.”

Turning my face away from his hand, I spoke through clenched teeth. “Please stop touching me.” Another sob worked its way from my chest and I took a deep breath, trying to steel my body against the pain that wouldn’t stop coming.

“Babe, you have no idea how many times I wanted to tell you. I’m so sorry. But everything we had was real.”

“I need you to leave.”

“Please don’t ask me to do that. I love you, Rachel. More than life itself.”

“I don’t love you. I’m in love with an illusion. Please just—don’t make this more difficult than it needs to be. I can’t do this with you, Kash. You lied to me. And it wasn’t just something as simple as you telling me I look beautiful when I’m sick. You lied to me about you. That is an unforgivable lie. You hated my shields and broke them all down. You didn’t want anything between us. But you made me fall in love with a man who doesn’t exist.”

“He does. I’m that guy. I’m him, Rachel . . . everything about us was real, I swear to you.”

“When I woke up today, I didn’t even know what your name was. I thought you were a bartender, Kash! And now that I’m thinking about it, you’ve still never told me where you’re from.”

“Tampa Bay, Florida. Ask me anything and I’ll tell you, but you know me.”

I shook my head and blinked back the new tears pricking my eyes. “It’s too little way too late. How can I ever believe anything you say?”

“Rachel—”

“Go. Please.” He started to speak, so I cut him off again. “Don’t come back, Kash. I don’t want to see or hear from you again.”

He stood there staring at me for countless minutes. I could see his eyes gloss over in the dim lighting in the room, and when he turned for the door, I saw the tears start falling down his face.

And then he was gone.

I barely held it together for ten seconds before I felt myself shatter into a million pieces and heard my sobs fill the room. I’d protected myself from ever experiencing this type of hurt again by making sure I never gave anyone my heart. But I had never stood a chance against Kash. From the minute he almost took my car door off, he had taken my heart and kept a firm hold.

And now there was nothing left to protect. I somehow knew that I would never have to worry about guarding my heart again. Because even now, through the pain in my chest, through the betrayal I felt down to my core, I knew that Logan Kash Hen—Ryan would always have my heart.

Kash

ON AUTOPILOT, I walked out to the waiting room, where Mason was sleeping on one of the chairs. I couldn’t make sense of my emotions, and every bit of me was fighting to go back into Rachel’s room despite her pleas. But I knew I’d f**ked up the best thing I’d ever had and would ever have.

She was right. I had hated her shields, and I’d pushed her every day until they were gone. Funny that it would be my fault that they had all gone back up, thicker than ever.

Someone cleared his throat, and I glanced up to see Candice’s brother standing there. He stuck his left hand out toward me and cleared his throat again. “Eli Jenkins. Thank you for saving her. She’s always been like a sister to me.” When I didn’t respond at first, he looked at Mason, then back to me. “You’re her fiancé, right?”

My stomach tightened. Ex, I thought to myself. Ex-fiancé.

He dropped his hand and it was only then I realized I still hadn’t said anything. “I’m sure it’s been a long day for you. We can talk later. I just wanted to say thank you.”

When he started to turn around, I quickly spoke. “You don’t need to thank me. I would do anything for her.” Including walk away. “Watch out for her, okay?”

He gave me an odd look but nodded before walking back toward her room. I sighed heavily and ran my free hand down my face.

Mason shifted in the chair beside me, and a few seconds later he spoke gruffly. “Give her time, bro. She’ll come around.”

“I don’t think so. She trusted me, and I broke that trust beyond repair.”

“She’s just stressed, it was a hard day. Give her—”

“And it’s my fault, Mase! All of this was my fault. In less than forty-eight hours, my fiancée gave me back the ring I’d given her to protect the people she loves, was almost murdered, and then broke up with me again. For real this time, and it’s because of what I am. I told you, who we are . . . what we do . . . we can’t have relationships. And this is why. I don’t blame Rachel for anything. I put her in this situation, she was in danger because of me.”

Mason quickly stood up and began pacing. “No she wasn’t. All that shit had gone down with her and Blake before we’d ever even shown up. It had been going on for years, and it had nothing to do with your job. You being a cop is what saved her yesterday morning. Like I said, give her some time. She’s gone through a lot over the last few months, but she loves you.”

I don’t love you. I’m in love with an illusion. I’d known heartache before, but what was happening now couldn’t be described as heartache. Those words had shattered my soul. I felt hollow and lost. And like I could easily drown in the searing pain making its way through my body. “She doesn’t want to see me, Mason. She wants me gone. I couldn’t keep her safe even after I promised her I would. The least I can do is give her what she asks. It’s over.”

“Kash—”

“Stop. She deserves a normal life, not the one I have to offer. I couldn’t protect her before, but I will now, by walking away.”

Before he could say anything else, I began walking out of the waiting room and hospital. I was at Mason’s truck for almost half an hour before he joined me. “Both of our dads will be here later today,” I said.

He paused with his door half-open. “What?”

“They’re going to help us pack up and move back to Florida.” I grabbed the handle just inside the door and hauled myself into the cab. Putting on the seat belt should have been a lot easier than it was, but the sling and the additional pain in my shoulder and right side of my chest were making it damn near impossible. Note to self: Don’t get shot again. It doesn’t tickle and makes putting seat belts on a bitch.

“When did you talk to them?”

“When I was waiting for you.”

“Kash.” He sighed and finally got in the driver’s seat but didn’t put the key in the ignition. “I don’t think you should do this. Give her time, yeah, but don’t f**king run away.”