Redeem Me (Kin #6)(24)
Author: Jennifer Foor

“He loves your sister. Anyone can see that. Now they’re a family. It’s sweet. I hope one day we can have that.” I felt uncomfortable talking about the future when we’d just gotten back together. I suppose it was my way of questioning Parker without him being aware of it.

“We will. We’ve just got a lot to go through before we think about startin’ a family. If I’m signed I’ll be travelin’ all the time. You’ve got years of school left. We’ll just have to be patient. It would be nice if we could break the cycle and get married first. My brother and sister did it all backwards. Maybe my parents would respect me for stayin’ focused.”

I hated hearing how long I had to wait to start a family, especially considering the excitement I’d felt when I held that baby in my arms. “You seem like you have our lives all planned out. I don’t know whether to feel overwhelmed or relieved.”

He started pulling out of the hospital parking lot. The roads were empty since it was late at night, and even though I’d taken a nap, I still felt exhausted.

Parker reached over, taking my hand into his. “I’m awfully glad we’re goin’ to be together. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry for pushin’ you away, babe. I’ve been dealin’ with some personal shit, and I never should have taken it out on you. You aren’t the problem.”

I knew I wasn’t allowed to ask what was. I’d promised him that I wouldn’t pry. As much as it killed me not knowing, our being together was more important. Many wouldn’t understand how I could even consider trusting him again, but for some reason I was still hopelessly devoted to him. If he said that we were going to be okay, I believed him, because it’s all I wanted.

Waking up next to Parker always made my mornings, especially when I knew we didn’t have to get up and get ready for class. While Parker slept soundly next to me, I made my way into the newly decorated nursery. It was a shame that the guest room had been converted since our last visit. We’d always had a place to crash when we came. Even though they had a sleeper sofa, it wasn’t exactly private since it was in the living room.

I glided my hands over the wooden crib, while looking inside to see all the cute stuffed animals. The baby was going to sleep in a bassinet in Peyton and Jamey’s room for the first couple of months, so the crib was basically not going to be used. I admired that they’d gone to such trouble getting it all set up. It only showed how excited they both were to become parents.

While standing there I felt something that I couldn’t explain.

It was stability.

I wanted to feel confident in my relationship with Parker. Just because we’d made up didn’t mean all was right with us. I think the excitement of him coming to the Poconos blinded me from being able to accept that we had problems. At some point I was going to have to address them, but now, after everything, I feared that even something as small as that would make me lose Parker for good.

I heard him walking around, and turned to see him standing in the doorway. “What are you doin’?”

I felt like I’d done something wrong. “Sorry. I was just checking out the décor. I still can’t stop thinking about the baby. She’s so tiny and fragile. The closest I’ve ever came to a baby before last night was a doll. It’s just so surreal how another can create life like that.”

“Babe, please don’t say you want to have a baby right now. I can’t even tell you how bad of an idea that would be.”

“I don’t. Give me some credit, Parker. I know what raising a child entails. Neither of us is in any position to do that. Besides, I think we need some time to recuperate our relationship before we jumped right into such an important decision, don’t you?”

“Yes.” After agreeing with me, Parker retreated to the bathroom. I knew that we’d planned on stopping by the hospital for a second time before heading back to school, so neither of us would miss classes the next morning.

Even though my mind was consumed with the baby, Parker didn’t mention her even once on the way over to see her. He didn’t really talk about anything except having to get the oil changed in my car. I found it odd that such an endearing moment with his family wouldn’t strike his desire to be a part of it. Even though we were going, he seemed so withdrawn.

It was clearer when we went into the room and saw the baby for the second time. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the little bundle, while Parker chatted with his sister and Jamey. When given the option to hold her, he flatly declined. What was equally more concerning for me was that Peyton didn’t even seem to question it.

It made no sense. They were twins, who’d shared a connection since the womb. How could he not be swooning over this beautiful baby?

It was difficult to say goodbye when he’d announced that we were leaving. More than anything I wanted to stick around, playing with her little fingers, and memorizing that sweet face. Once again, Parker said nothing as we started on our journey home. It finally got to a point where I felt uncomfortable.

“Are you going to tell me what’s up with you?”

“What do you mean?” He grabbed my hand and lifted it to his lips, as if nothing was wrong at all.

“You’re being too quiet, and you didn’t want to hold your niece. It’s weird.”

Parker looked at me for a second before turning his attention back to the road. I appreciated that he always liked to drive, but wondered if it was because I scared him when I got behind the wheel.

“Everything’s fine. I’m tired, that’s all. I’ve been drivin’ around all weekend.”

“That doesn’t explain why you wouldn’t hold Lyla.”

“I’m not good with babies, Cam. One day maybe that will change, but for now I feel uncomfortable.” He glanced at me, seeing firsthand what that statement had done to me. I felt so sad, like there was going to come a time when he said he didn’t want children at all. He would be going back on his word, and it hurt me. “Come on now, don’t get all upset. Just because I’m not ready to be a dad doesn’t mean I don’t want kids. One day I promise I’ll be ready. Besides, when it’s our kids I won’t want to let them go.”

That made me perk right up; and I began wondering if I was also a little too tired to be concerned about his actions. We’d been on the road more than usual, and the added stress of Friday night was really hard on both of us. I didn’t have to remind myself that Parker was a good man, because I knew he was.