The Girl He Used to Know (Page 27)

“Of course. Stay here. I’m going to pay our share of the bill and then I’ll come right back.”

When we reached the blissful quiet of our room, the stillness soothed me and eased the ringing in my ears. Jonathan put his arms around me. “Better?”

I didn’t answer his question. Instead I whispered, “I love you, Jonathan.”

“I love you, too. I’ve been thinking about how I was going to tell you.”

“If you’ve been thinking about it, why didn’t you just say it?”

“Because the first time you say it to someone, you hope they’ll say it back. And if you’re not sure they will…”

“Why wouldn’t I say it back? I did say it. Just now.” I thought I was the one confused by relationships and everything that went along with them.

“Maybe there was a small part of me that worried you wouldn’t. I don’t always know what’s going on up there,” he said, tapping my temple gently.

“I never know what people are thinking. It’s like visiting a country where you don’t speak the language and you’re trying so hard to understand but no matter how many times you ask for juice, they keep bringing you milk. And I hate it.”

He smiled. “I love you, Annika. So much.”

“I love you, too.”

When I looked back on the time we spent at the Palmer House Hotel, I realized they were some of the best days of my life.

25

Annika

THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS

AT URBANA-CHAMPAIGN

1992

“Are you nervous?” Janice asked as we sat down in the small waiting area of the student health center.

“Why would I be nervous? You didn’t tell me there was anything to be nervous about.”

“No, it’s just that I didn’t think you’d ever had a pelvic exam before.”

“I haven’t.” My mother had taken me to have a physical before I left for college. The doctor had asked if I was sexually active and I said no and that had been the end of it. “Why, does it hurt?”

“No. It can be a little uncomfortable, but just for a second. You’ll be fine.”

I filled out the form the receptionist had given me and returned it. “Is this where you went?” I asked Janice when I sat back down.

“Yes. It’s where everybody goes. Or Planned Parenthood.”

The nurse called my name. “I’ll wait here,” Janice said, thumbing through a magazine. “Come back and get me when you’re done.”

* * *

The nurse weighed me and took my blood pressure. She gave me a paper gown and told me to take off all of my clothing, so I hopped off the table and began shucking my clothes.

“Oh, I’ll just … let me give you some privacy.”

All I was wearing by then was my underwear, and I pulled it down and let it drop onto the growing pile on the floor. The paper gown was a little tricky, so she showed me how to slip it on so that it opened in front. Then she gave me a paper sheet to lay across my lap.

“Well, I guess I’ll let the doctor know you’re ready.”

“Okay.”

The doctor looked a little like my dad, and when I told Janice this later she said that would have freaked her out, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. Mostly the doctor seemed kind and unthreatening.

I’d had a basic introduction to reproductive health in fifth grade, but it wasn’t something my mother had spent much time on outside of helping me when I got my first period. Everything I’d learned about the actual mechanics of sex had come from Jonathan, and that had mostly worked itself out in a variety of experimental, hands-on ways.

I had so many questions for the doctor as he examined me, starting with a breast exam. What was he doing? What were things supposed to look like? What was the purpose of it all?

“Not many women take as strong an interest as you have today. I find it admirable that you’re so eager to understand the process.”

“It’s my body. It’s nice to know how it works.” I didn’t understand why everyone wouldn’t want to know.

When the exam was over, the doctor told me I could scoot back up on the table. “Your paperwork indicates you’re interested in obtaining birth control and that you’re currently sexually active.”

“Yes. With my boyfriend Jonathan. We love each other.”

The doctor smiled. “It’s always nice to hear that a couple is in love.”

I had been so excited to return to school after winter break so I could tell Janice that Jonathan and I had said “I love you.” But when I told her how it happened, the first thing she said was “Oh.”

When someone said that word to me, I knew what it meant.

“Did I do it wrong?” I asked, my voice rising in panic. Of course I had. Why would this be any different from all the other things I’d screwed up?

“No, not at all. It’s just that usually the guy says it first.”

“Once I realized I loved him I wanted to tell him right away. I didn’t know there were rules about this!”

Janice had grabbed my hands. “You know what? It’s a stupid rule. It’s not even a rule. It doesn’t matter who said it first. All that matters is that you love him and he loves you.”

I wanted to believe her. Since we got back to school, Jonathan had told me he loved me seven more times and he always said it first.

“What method of birth control are you currently using?” the doctor asked.

“Condoms. But my roommate Janice thinks I’m ready for the pill.”

“Do you?”

“I think so.”

The doctor explained the importance of taking the pills regularly, preferably at the same time of day. “You’ll have to take these for thirty days before you’re fully protected. If you miss a pill, be sure to use a backup method of contraception until you’ve finished the pack.” Janice kept her pill pack on her nightstand and took one first thing every morning, but I decided I would keep mine in my purse. I spent many nights at Jonathan’s, but sometimes he spent the night at my place. If I kept the pills in my purse, I would always have them with me no matter where we decided to sleep.

We talked about safe sex and that I could protect myself by making sure anyone I was intimate with had been tested for sexually transmitted diseases. The doctor asked if I had any questions, but I didn’t. I felt so grown-up and responsible. Janice had been on the pill since her senior year of high school, but all of this was uncharted territory for me. I’d been granted entry into a special girls’ club, and I was proud of my membership because I was tired of being behind on everything all the time.

So far, my senior year of college had been the best year of my life. I had a steady boyfriend, I’d attended a chess tournament, and while I hadn’t contributed directly to the team’s victory, my skill level had earned me the right to be a part of it. I was exhibiting a level of responsibility for my sexual health that gave me immense personal satisfaction, and every day I was one step closer to the career I’d coveted for so long.

Life was on an upswing, and I was starting to believe that my future was every bit as bright as Janice always promised it would be.

* * *

Later that day, Jonathan picked me up to walk to class. “I went to the student health center this morning,” I said as I grabbed my jacket and backpack and locked the door behind us.

“Are you sick?”

“I went there so I could get on the pill.”

He stopped walking. “The birth control pill?”

“Is there another kind of pill they call the pill?”

“No. I mean, not that I know of. Really? You went on the pill?”

“It’s what women who are in monogamous relationships do. Janice said it would make things easier and that you would probably like it.”

“Well, yeah. I like it a lot.”

“It won’t be safe until I’ve taken them for thirty days. And the doctor said you have to get tested. I got tested. I can’t have sex without a condom unless I know you’re free of sexually transmitted diseases.”

“I assure you that I don’t have any STDs.”

“The doctor said you might say that.”

“Annika, I will get tested. I promise.” He squeezed my hand and kissed me. “This is going to be really great.”

26

Annika

THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS

AT URBANA-CHAMPAIGN

A friend of Jonathan’s was having a party, and he wanted us to go. He’d mentioned it that morning while we were eating breakfast, but I hadn’t committed the details to memory, because I really wasn’t interested. I felt tired and crampy and my back ached, and the gloomy weather wasn’t helping things. It was much colder than usual for early April and had been raining all day, the cold drizzly kind of rain that falls during that in-between time when winter is over but spring hasn’t fully arrived. I’d spent the day curled up in Jonathan’s bed with him and a book, and spending the evening that way sounded much more appealing than anything we would encounter beyond the four walls of his bedroom.

“I’m going stir-crazy,” he said after we ate dinner. “We don’t have to stay for a long time, but I really want to introduce you to some more of my friends.”