If Forever Comes (Take This Regret #2)(18)
Author: A.L. Jackson

Conversation struck up at the table, the four of them chatting about their days. The inconsequentials of their lives rose to the surface of their chatter, but it was obviously there to cover up the undercurrent of strain stretching us all tight. Uneasy eyes darted and searched, peeking at me from over their menus and casting furtive glances they probably didn’t think I noticed.

I shifted in discomfort.

Why had I let Natalie talk me into this?

Thankfully the waitress came and rescued me from the scrutiny that had taken hold of the table.

She left and returned quickly with my iced tea. “Your food should be out shortly. Let me know if there’s anything I can get you in the meantime,” she said as she placed the drink down in front of me.

I mumbled, “Thank you,” turned back to the table, and let my gaze drift over the women who had always stood by my side. They had always been the ones to rally around me, no matter what the circumstances. Once again, I knew they were here to pick me up when I was down.

Little did they know it was an impossible feat.

I did my best to keep up with the words they spoke. I tried to listen to the details about their families, the things that were important to them, near to their hearts. Sarah talked endlessly about her children. Angie had won the spelling bee and Brandon had started a new season of football. She talked of how excited he was that he now got to play tackle, how terrified she was to finally allow him to take part in it.

Carrie had met someone new, someone who must have made an impact on her, because she giggled and her cheeks flushed red with just the mention of his name. My little sister didn’t do embarrassed. Yet she went on about this guy for the longest time, filling us in on every aspect of his life and how she was sure it would fit into hers.

I dropped my face and pressed my eyes shut, begging for it to return, for me to be able to feel it, to be excited for them, too.

I felt like the worst person in the world, because I just couldn’t find it in myself to care.

And I wanted to.

God, did any of them really understand how much I wanted to?

They droned on, and their words began to bleed together, spreading out in a thin haze that blurred at the fringes of my mind. Our food was served, and I pushed it around my plate, trying to build up the appetite to take a single bite. Laughter and giggles and sounds of surprise beat against my ears, but didn’t penetrate deep enough to touch my distorted sense of awareness.

“Liz,” Sarah said, her voice taking on an edge of frustration. “Did you hear anything I just said?”

I jerked up. Blinking, I looked at her from across the table. My mind flicked like a reel back through the conversation that had just transpired, grasping for anything that would give me a clue as to where the topic had strayed.

Displeasure flashed on her face. “Were you even listening?”

“Sarah.” Natalie slanted her head in a silent plea, her eyes widening. I swore I thought she kicked her under the table.

Sarah and I had always been close. She’d been the one I’d run to as a girl, the one who always seemed to have this natural wisdom, had insight into things I couldn’t see. And she rarely deviated from her straight-lined demeanor.

Sarah’s attention shot to Natalie. “What?” she said defensively, as if she couldn’t believe Natalie was trying to dissuade her from speaking.

But obviously, that didn’t apply for today.

Her eyes darted back to me. They blazed with emotion, sympathy and outrage and disappointment. “You have to pull yourself out of this, Elizabeth.”

At her words, I felt all the blood drain from my face. Sickness coiled, soured in my stomach as a swell of nausea swept through me.

It was bad enough when they made little comments, the ones that were meant to bolster when they really felt like a slap to the face.

But this…this didn’t just seem like an ambush. It was an ambush, an attack I wasn’t prepared for.

One I would never be ready to face.

“You’ve sat there this entire time and not said one word. Not one word,” she emphasized.

“Please, don’t do this right now, Sarah,” Natalie begged, her voice coming out low. Her attention shifted between us as she bit at her lip. Tears rimmed her eyes.

I knew they were both trying to protect me, each in their own way.

Harshly Sarah shook her head. “We’ve tiptoed around this for too long, Natalie.” Even though she spoke to Natalie, her stare never strayed from my face. “It’s been almost four months, Elizabeth. And I promise you I’m only telling you this because I love you, but you have to make a decision. It’s time you picked yourself up and started living again. For you. For your daughter. Start paying attention to the rest of your family”—she flung her hand out around the table—“because everything is just passing you by. Even when you’re here, you’re not present. And we all need you back.”

My face pinched as I slowly shook my head, struggling to see through the pain that tore through my entire being. I began to rock, my fingers twisting together in the tightest knot as I tried to deflect what was coming from Sarah’s mouth.

My head screamed at me that what she said was the truth, while my heart shrank, willing the rest of me to retreat.

It seemed like once she got started, she couldn’t stop, the worry and frustration boiling over.

“And what about Christian? The man who would crawl on his hands and knees through hot coals for you? The one who would gladly die for you? Have you stopped to look at him lately?”

Recoiling at the insinuation, I dropped my face to the side to protect myself from the things I didn’t want to hear.

“I’m serious, Elizabeth, have you stopped to really look at him? Because he is just as heartbroken as you. It’s time you either find it somewhere inside yourself to love him again or cut him loose. Walk away from him, Elizabeth, put him out of his misery, because the man is hanging by a loose thread. Do you even see what this has done to him? What you’re doing to him?”

I cringed, sinking deeper into my chair. Of course I saw it. I bore witness to it each morning when he came to pick up Lizzie. And I had cut him loose, had told him to go, and he had. But there would always be something that tethered us, a connection that neither of us could break.

How was that bond not enough to hold us together?

I forced myself to look at her when all I really wanted to do was hide.

“Sarah,” I begged, my voice cracking. Tears built and I tried my best to keep them back, to keep them in. But there was nothing I could do. They were unstoppable as they began to fall. “You don’t understand.”