Pale Demon (The Hollows #9)(82)
Author: Kim Harrison

"Have you given any thought to tomorrow?" Ivy asked, her voice hesitant.

I posed in the mirror, stuck out my chest, then slumped and reached for the boots. They were white, too. "All the time."

"No, I mean really. Have you thought about tomorrow?"

Sitting on the edge of the tub, I slipped the low-heeled boots on. They fit perfectly, and the zipper was well oiled. My estimation of Al knowing what a girl likes went up. I thought of that kiss of his and squinted. "Ivy, I’m just trying to get through tonight. If I don’t make it, then I’m…" I took a breath as I stood and looked at myself. Damn, I looked good. Like a leather teardrop. "Then I’m in the ever-after," I finished, slightly depressed.

Fear flared up, and I squashed it. I didn’t want to come out of the bathroom wearing leather and stinking of fear. Ivy was good at resisting temptation, but she wasn’t above taking a lick of frosting from the cake before it was served.

Putting the cap on my head, I looked at my reflection, my hair still damp and my skin still holding the glow from the bath. Maybe I shouldn’t call it fear. Maybe it was dread. My throat became tight, and I sent my gaze to the purple scarf. Purple was how a demon showed pride or favor to its familiars, and it made me feel like it was the first day of school, when you know you’re too chicken to stand up for yourself and you don’t have any friends to rely on-all alone and your mother telling you at the car you’d be okay.

My hand ran across the scarf, feeling it cool and smooth against my fingertips. I couldn’t make myself put it on.

"I’ve been thinking about it," Ivy said from the other side of the door. "If you have to go, I’m going to shut down the firm."

Whoa. I pointed the remote to shut off the TV. Flinging open the door, I found Ivy sitting beside the window in the bright light, her back curved and her shoulders slumped. She looked tired. "Why?" I asked as I crossed the room. "You’re great at this. What about Jenks? You just going to leave him alone in the church?"

Ivy’s head came up, and she tossed her hair from her eyes, smiling faintly. Her gaze traveled over me, taking in the leather dress. "I like that," she said. "You look good in white. And before you get uptight, Jenks will be fine. He’s thinking about going to work for Trent if things go wrong tonight."

I looked at her, shocked. Work for Trent? "He told you this?"

Shrugging, Ivy pushed back into the chair, every motion screaming of an inner pain. "We’ve talked," she said, her voice low. "One of the reasons he was so hot to go with Trent today is because he’s trying it on." Her eyes flicked to mine and held them. "There’s nothing for him in the garden anymore. Especially if you’re gone."

I was not believing this. "Trent? Are you kidding me?"

Ivy looked out onto the bay. "I know you’re focused on tonight, but in case there isn’t any time to talk before you go…I wanted to let you know that I enjoyed being with you."

Oh my God. She was saying good-bye. Agitated, I came to stand before her, not knowing what to do with my hands. "I am not dying!" I said, finally sitting down on the edge of the nearest chair and taking my hat off. "I can come back for visits and stuff."

Her jaw was clenched. "I know."

She looked at me, and I suddenly realized that this was for real. My eyes filled, and there was a sudden lump in my throat. I wanted to touch her shoulder, but her body language said not to. "I can visit."

Ivy’s eyes were just as full, but neither of us would let a tear fall. "Let me say this," she whispered. "Will you just let me say this?"

I put a hand to my middle to try to get it to stop hurting. "Why are you saying good-bye?" I whispered.

She lifted her hands and let them fall. "Because I can’t follow you," she said suddenly. "I started on this trip two days ago, and it wasn’t until Arizona that I realized I wasn’t doing a damn thing. I was driving, sure, but you don’t need me. You never really did!"

"Yes, I do," I said quickly, but I shut my mouth when she shook her head.

"Not like I want you to. You’re moving fast, Rachel. And vampires are slow. It’s like you’re from the future, and you’re here trying to yank everyone forward so some of us have a chance to survive what’s coming. You’re leaving Jenks and me behind."

Anger flared, but it was at the universe, not her. "This demon thing wasn’t my idea!"

"I’m not talking about the coven and shunning. I’m talking about you changing everything." Ivy crossed her legs and gripped her biceps, looking vulnerable. "The Weres, the elves, the vampires. You’re stirring everything, like a catalyst, and you’re leaving us behind. It’s okay. We’re not mad. Sad maybe, but not mad." She let go of her arms and met my eyes. "I knew ever since you sealed that room in the tunnels that you and I weren’t going to work even if you woke up some morning and wanted it to. I felt the power of what you could do. I saw it. I saw the fear in Edden’s eyes. It only made me love you more."

I blinked fast. "And you don’t think I need you? After that? Ivy, it was your soul that protected me."

She nodded, hiding her face as she wiped her eyes. "You’ll do better once you let us go. Jenks and me both. We’ll be okay."

My head was shaking in denial. "I’ll beat this, Ivy. I always do."

Her chin came up. Eyes black, she snapped, "What if you do? You think we can drive back to the church and go on like nothing happened? It won’t work. I can’t pretend anymore that one day you’re going to wake up and be anything different from what you are right now. I’m not talking sex and blood. I’m talking about you and change. How you make it happen and how you adapt to it. Your mind lets you. Jenks and I…we can’t."

"Ivy."

"I never had a chance," she whispered.

"Ivy!" I said louder, and she focused on me.

"I never had a chance," she said again. "But thank you. I’ve seen what it’s like to be normal. Been a part of a family, even if I was on the fringes."

I reached over the space between us, touching her. "You’ve never been on the fringes."

She looked at my hand on her, smiling almost. "I’ve never been in all the way, either, and don’t start thinking that you did me wrong. Hell, Rachel, if I’d gotten all the way in, I would have self-destructed, destroyed myself. You knew that," she said, and my hand fell away. "I don’t…I didn’t have a way to cope, to accept that I deserve good things. But I feel good right now."

She smiled, looking at the ceiling as she wiped her eyes again. "Do you know I’d never remembered feeling good before you? Kisten was safe, but you felt good, even when you weren’t around. Even when you were out doing stuff. Even when I was out with one of my blood partners, and I knew that when I came home…" She hesitated. "I knew that you would be there, or would be back soon, and you wouldn’t look at me and hide your disgust at what I am but would let me work it out. You were like a warm finger touching my thoughts, pushing the black down and not letting it rise up. Keeping me sane. I’ve felt good so often that now I can recognize it even when it doesn’t come from you. I can feel good about other people."