Shame (Ruin #3)(37)
Author: Rachel Van Dyken

Groaning, I banged my head against the door. “Moment ruiner.”

“Lisa?”

I turned.

He grinned and took two steps forward. He dipped his finger into my mouth then pulled back and licked that same finger, his eyes closed in ecstasy. “Just like I remembered.”

“I thought you weren’t going to touch me.”

“All men lie.” He smirked. “Now go to bed before I decide to really have a taste.”

“And if I tell you I want you to?”

His eyes went completely black. “Then I’ll have to say no… even though I would really want to say yes. Go.”

When I didn’t move, he physically turned me around, pushed me into the room, and shut the door behind me.

Too stunned to do anything, I almost didn’t register that I was spending the night again with him. But not with him, with him. I was more like a roommate that he liked around. I was thankful, nonetheless, because that was one night I didn’t want to be alone.

And I knew that with Tristan, even though he seemed dangerous, he was safe. He wasn’t Taylor. Not at all. And it wouldn’t be fair to compare him to Taylor, even though I’d done that with every other guy.

It was finally time to move on.

And I thought I knew exactly who I wanted to do that with.

CHAPTER THIRTY

He’d almost agreed to do it after I explained things my way, and when he was still hesitant, I offered him one more thing I knew he couldn’t refuse—wouldn’t refuse. Her. —The Journal of Taylor B.

Tristan

BY THE TIME morning rolled around, I was one giant conflicted mess. My father had called and asked about business — the typical conversations usually lasted around three minutes. Was he still rich? Was I keeping my nose clean? Whatever the hell that meant. Had I ever let him down? Even once in my life? And the last, my personal favorite… have I returned any of Erica’s calls?

Yes, yes, and no. But I’d said yes in hopes it would appease him. Talking to her seemed about as fun as calling Gabe and having him run me over with his car.

I woke Lisa up. She was quiet, pensive. I imagined I’d given her too much to think about. With a wince, I let her have her silent time. I knew I’d probably pushed her boundaries a bit, but I didn’t want casual, not with her. She had to know that about me. Casual was meant for women I’d once met at my dad’s hotel. Casual and Lisa did not fit in the same sentence. If we did this, if she truly let me in, I’d be hers forever, but I refused to let her think I was like him, so I’d pushed. I wanted the real her. Not the one I read about every night in his journals, but the one, the girl who had come out of that. The only problem? She didn’t know who she was.

In fact, she had no clue.

She was afraid of the darkness he’d brought out in her almost as much as she was afraid of the light that she was still unable to reach. I halfway wondered if that hadn’t been his plan all along. Self-doubt and insecurity make a woman lean on a man in ways that brainwash to the extreme. She becomes so dependent, so lost in the definition of who she is with that person, that when that person finally leaves, no matter how good or horrible he was, the memory is there forever, imprinted in her consciousness.

“Thanks.” Lisa opened the car door but hesitated. Finally, she turned around, a blush staining her cheeks. “Thanks for a night of letting me be myself.”

“Anytime.” I held out my hand. When she’d taken it, I kissed her wrist and released her, even though I wanted to drag her across the center console and then pull her into the back seat. Acting like a caveman wouldn’t get me anywhere, but it sure as hell would stop the constant ache I had to have her.

But sex wouldn’t be surrender to her.

It would be submission.

And until it was something more I refused to push that limit. Especially considering she wasn’t anyone harboring dangerous secrets. I just wasn’t sure anymore how or when I’d reveal mine.

The more time I spent with her the more I refused to acknowledge that I’d come there for a reason.

I watched her hurry into her dorm and made sure that the door closed behind her before I drove off.

Not really paying attention, I almost ran over a kid on a bike in front of me. He turned and glared.

It was Jack. My stomach knotted, but I had no idea why my body would react to his presence; he was just a student in my class. Just… something about him bothered me.

The minute he saw that it was me, his eyes narrowed. I had sunglasses on, and my windows were tinted, but I was probably the only professor on campus who had an array of cars from a decked-out Ford truck to a Tesla — and I just happened to be driving the Tesla.

I sped by and decided to run home and switch cars. I needed to anyway if I was going to follow through with my plan.

Operation Save Lisa.

Funny how it had started as Operation Redeem Taylor.

Funny how one person can change your mind, your heart, your soul so completely that you forget what you were fighting for in the first place. Consumed with thoughts of her, I sped all the way home with a smile on my face. It wouldn’t be subtle; then again, that word had never really been in my vocabulary.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

“You know I love you, right?” I whispered into her ear.

She shivered in response and tried to pull away. “Yeah.”

“No, really.” I tugged her closer.

She fought me. Her body was tense, but it was always tense.

“Let me show you how much.”

I tried to remove her shirt. She stiffened at my touch, and I was so damn angry. I’d done that to her, but it was her fault for allowing me to. It was her fault for being so weak. It was my fault for being so strong.

“Lie down,” I barked.

And just like that, she submitted. And the world was right again. —The Journal of Taylor B.

Lisa

I BARELY HAD enough time to shower and get ready for the day when a knock sounded at the door. I grabbed my bag and keys and made sure my straightener was off then ran toward the knocking.

“I’m coming!” I shouted. Geez, if it was Gabe, I was going to kill him.

I swung the door open. Jack stood there leaning against the doorframe. “So…” He tilted his head. “How was sleeping with the professor?”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be an ass. I didn’t sleep with anyone.”

“You didn’t come back.” Emotion clouded his eyes, almost like he was hurt. “Last night, I mean, I was worried, so I came looking for you.”