Bad Romeo (Starcrossed #1)(103)
Author: Leisa Rayven

It was almost impossible to turn off the internal countdown clock that screamed at me daily about all the ways you could hurt me. After all, history proved that eventually, everyone leaves me. Why would you be any different?

Now I know that you were.

Are.

The thing is, underneath all the bullshit that made me push you away, there were parts of me that clung to you when I left, and now, without you, I struggle to function.

The thought that keeps me up at night is that I had my chance to be whole and right, and I blew it.

Please tell me I’ll get another chance. Don’t tell me this is how I have to live now.

I can’t. Being without you is too hard.

I miss you so much it hurts.

Ethan.

I feel like I’ve been punched in the chest.

This is exactly what I’d needed to hear, so many times.

I realize I’m gripping my phone to the point of pain. “They … God, Ethan … They’re beautiful. Why didn’t you send them?”

He sighs. “I don’t know. I thought you hated me.”

“I did, but … if I’d read those e-mails, maybe I would have hated you less.”

“I wish I’d had the guts to lay it all out for you back then, but I just wasn’t ready.”

“And now you are?”

“Ask me anything you like, and I’ll give you a straight answer.”

“Anything?”

“Absolutely.”

I take a breath and ask him the question that’s haunted me for years. “In all your e-mails, why didn’t you ever say you loved me?”

I can almost hear his shock. “What?”

“You never said it. In any of them.”

“Cassie, I did say it. All the time.”

“I’ve just read through them all for the hundredth time, and you didn’t say it once. You said you missed me, that you wanted to be friends, but there’s nothing about love.”

“There’s no fucking way that’s true. I … I—” He takes in a shaky breath. “I thought it all the time. It seemed to be in every word I wrote to you but … I— Shit, Cassie.”

He growls in frustration.

“Ethan, it’s fine.”

“It’s really fucking not. Of all the things I should have told you, that’s at the top of the goddamn list. But whether I said it in the e-mails or not, you have to know that I— I really do—”

“Ethan, stop.”

“Cassie—”

“No. I don’t want you to say it just because I brought it up.”

“That’s not the reason.”

“Still, just don’t, okay? Not tonight.”

He exhales, and thankfully, he doesn’t push it.

We make small talk about the show for a few minutes, but when I stifle a yawn, he tells me to go to sleep. I don’t argue.

In the morning, I feel like crap. My hangover isn’t too bad, but I had terrible dreams in which Holt left me, over and over again, and each time, I took him back, all the while getting angrier with myself each time I did it.

I’ve barely shuffled out of the shower, when my phone beeps with a text from him.

<You have mail.>

Intrigued, I open my laptop and find a single e-mail.

When I open it, my screen explodes.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU,I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU,I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE

I scroll down pages and pages, stunned, until finally, I reach the bottom.

Just in case you didn’t get what I was doing, I’ve written “I LOVE YOU” 1,162 times—one for every day I was away. And please don’t think this was some quickie copy and paste declaration. I typed each and every one individually as penance for being too much of a dumbass to make it crystal clear how I felt about you.