Accidentally…Cimil? (Accidentally Yours #4.5)(15)
Author: Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

I understood that. I did. After all, I was a goddess. There could be no life without death. There could be no joy without first understanding sorrow. No enlightenment without suffering. But I didn’t feel evil. I felt good. Okay, good with a really mischievous streak.

“This can’t be right.” I shook my head.

“Look at the evidence,” she said. “Everything you do, even with good intentions, always ends in a mess.”

“Noooo,” I protested.

She folded her pale arms.

“Oh, really? What about the Festival of Lights?” she asked.

“Okay. But how was I supposed to know that the volcano would erupt and kill all those people?” I squabbled.

“And Atlantis?” she said condescendingly.

“Plato completely exaggerated that story! It was a practical joke! Besides, Máax forgave me for sinking his island.”

Other-me stared.

Hell. Maybe she’s right. I thought about Narmer and how I’d inadvertently created an evil new species that dined on people.

“Okay. Fine,” I admitted. “I seem to have a destructive streak, but what do I do?” I asked. Because despite everything, I didn’t want the world to end, and I certainly didn’t want to cause the death of my brothers and sisters.

“Be evil,” she replied.

“Brilliant plan.” I sat in the dirt and covered my face, groaning.

“You do realize you’re na**d and getting mud in your butt crack, right?”

I growled at Other-me. “Who the hell cares?” We were all going to die anyway. Dirty and clean butt cracks alike.

She plunked down next to me. “I care, and so do you. That’s why instead of protecting humanity, you will try to destroy it.”

What exactly was Other-me smoking? Unicorn turds? Oh yes, laugh if you like, but no one has ever recovered from such a journey.

“Great plan. Really, I mean it,” I said. “But I think I’ll go back to my realm and consult with my brethren.” I stood up, brushed the dirt from my ass, and started toward the cenote, which was no longer piled with bodies—that little trick had only been a way to get my attention, I assumed.

“No. You mustn’t tell them,” she protested, stepping in front of me. “They will only think you’ve gone insane and see you as a threat to humanity. They will lock you away.”

“What do you propose I do?” I asked.

“I’m serious. You will fight your instincts to help or do good. Whatever you think is right, you will do the exact opposite. Voilà. No more destruction!”

“You’re an idiot.”

Other-me gripped my shoulders. “No. You’re an idiot! Okay, which makes me an idiot, too. But you have to do this.”

I shook my head no. “If I did the opposite of everything I felt was right, men would be deported to the moon. Especially Egyptian men. Named Narmer.” Hey. Not a bad idea!

Other-me stomped her foot. “Cimil. This isn’t a joke.”

“Who’s joking?”

She gave me the infamous Cimil stare of death. I’d invented it several centuries ago. Glad to know I’d not given it up. It was very scary.

“You’re not even sure this will change the future,” I grumbled. “Who’s not to say that me trying to destroy the world doesn’t end with me actually destroying it?”

“You have a point,” she said, tapping her finger on the side of her mouth. “If only we had a sign from the Universe.”

I cringed.

“Ha! I know that look!” She jumped up and down pointing at me. “You got a sign, didn’t you?”

Yes. I’d seen the vision in Narmer’s eyes. “I saw a glimpse of the gods going insane and destroying the world.” I sighed. “Because they are lonely.”

“Ha! I’m right! I knew it.” She hugged me. “Cimil, you must find them all soul mates. While doing the opposite of trying to do anything good, of course. In fact, you should start with yourself. Go find your man!” She started doing that little dance from the future called disco, and I resisted the urge to join along. Disco dancing always made me feel better.

“Love is not in the cards for me. Never has been, never will be.”

“Sorry, but the Universe has spoken.” She went into lightning finger mode. A timeless disco-move classic.

“The man I thought I loved crushed my heart and ripped off my head. Oh, he’s also turned into some dark, scary creature that drinks blood.”

The only, and I mean, only thing I wanted to do was get my ass back to Egypt to dish out a little payback.

“You have to make up with him,” she said happily.

“Not gonna happen. I hate the man. I will never love again.”

“You must learn to forgive,” she pushed.

I looked her squarely in the eyes. “He killed Minky.”

“Motherfucker! If everyone wasn’t dead already, I’d kill the bastard,” she replied.

Damned right! And what a damned strange conversation.

“Then you will have to focus on our brethren and get them to fall in love,” she said. “While you do the opposite of anything you think is in the best interest of humanity. So you can save us, of course.”

I laughed so loud that the leaves from the trees above shook violently. “That’s even crazier than asking me to fall in love.”

I didn’t mean it as an insult, but did she realize who we were talking about? There was my sister Ixtab, Goddess of Suicide. She would scare any mortal man right out of his skin. Then there was my brother Votan, the God of Death and War. His ego was so big I often wondered how he managed to squeeze it into a mortal form. Then there was Kinich, God of the Sun and our leader. He was so busy trying to accept what he was that there was no room for any woman in his life. There wasn’t one deity alive who was relationship material.

Then there was the question of finding mates for them. Sure, we gods were powerful and incredibly good-looking, but we’re also dysfunctional and highly unevolved from an emotional standpoint. We were like children. With superpowers! Who would want to date any of us?

Narmer wanted to date you.

Narmer is an ass.

Agreed.

Then there was the whole picky thing. I mean, that there’d actually be someone out there my brethren would feel was their equal? Not gonna happen. The list of reasons as for the ridiculousness of this idea went on and on and on.

“Can’t we just get everyone puppies?” I suggested. “We can make them immortal.”