Accidentally…Cimil? (Accidentally Yours #4.5)(16)
Author: Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

Other-me rolled her eyes. “They don’t need puppies. They need passion! They need romance! They need a reason to live. Besides, nothing is impossible. Especially for you. Or us. Whatever. We are the only ones who have mastered our gifts. We are the Goddess of the Underworld, Pain, Chicken Noodle Soup, Campfire Stories, Shopping, Rainbows, Bad Humor, and Deception, just to name a few.”

“You forgot Bringer of the Apocalypse,” I said dryly.

“Exactly! We completely rock. They should name an entire species after us. Penguins! Yes. They should rename them Cimguins!”

What happened to future me? I’m so… crazy.

“You will simply need to use your powers,” she said, “and choose the best match you can. Mold the situation to force our brethren to open their hearts.”

This plan was beyond any degree of insanity I’d ever witnessed. But as I mulled it over, I could not deny its logic and the facts before me.

“Where do I start?” I sighed.

“What were you about to do next?” the Other-me asked.

“Kill Narmer along with his five brothers and sisters.”

“Then you shall help them live,” she said. “And you shall start the search for soul mates.”

“Yippee.” Good times. Good f**king times.

PART TWO—CIMIL AND RRROBERTO

THE NOT-SO-EARLY YEARS

Chapter Seven

Fast-forward through mountains of boring crap to Barcelona, Spain, May 1, 1712

(Hint: This is right before a certain vampire has his date with destiny. Poor guy ends up accidentally married. Oops!)

“I’m not going to sleep with Narmer’s evil brother.” I dealt another card from the top of the deck and slid it across the long, formal dining room table.

“What? I think vampires in tights look hot.” Other-me picked up the card and frowned. “Reminds me of chorizo. And who can resist meat in an intestinal casing?”

Ick. “I can. You do know you’re not inspiring me to continue saving the world, don’t you?”

She began nibbling her thumb. That meant she had nothing in her hand. Gods, I was such a bad poker player. Pretty surprising given that’s the only thing my flock, aka “the dead,” did all day.

“Exactly why am I failing to inspire you?” she mumbled, adjusting the strap of her ballerina tutu.

“Because you’re f**king crazy. Not much to look forward to.” Sometimes, she’d wake me up, screaming I was on fire. Other days, she’d break out in hysterical laughter watching imaginary reruns of a show called the Love Boat.

“Crazy? Moi?” She reordered her cards. “Dammit. I got nothing. Fold.” She threw the cards on the table. “Yes. I suppose I am. But I think your crazy boat to Crazytown also sailed oodles of centuries ago.”

Perhaps it was true. I’d only become more and more disconnected from reality as time moved on. Reality was, after all, constantly changing.

“I have a good excuse,” I said. “Look who I spend time with.”

“Yourself,” she said dryly. “You spend time with yourself. Speaking of, shouldn’t you be packing? We have mates to find, and your work here is almost complete.”

“We just got to Spain.” I groaned. I’d spent almost four millennia doing nothing but causing mayhem, instigating mischief, destroying people’s lives—all in the name of saving humanity, of course. Bottom line, no matter how hard I worked, Other-me still showed up for work every day to remind me I hadn’t changed the future. I was beginning to think I never would.

“I’ve decided I’m not moving from this town house until we get another sign from the Universe.”

“With whom do you converse?” said a deep voice from behind.

I twisted my body in the chair.

Narmer stood in the corner wearing black leather pants and a white shirt with puffy sleeves. “You dirty son of a—Get out!” Dammit, I’d paid my dues to this chaotic scheme. I’d let him, his brothers, and sisters live. Vampires, as they eventually named their species, were rampant in the world, in particular the Obscuros, who were quite evil and intent on enslaving mankind. All thanks to wonderful me.

Narmer held out his hands. “Wait. I only ask that you listen,” he said, dipping his chin to stare directly into my eyes. Gods, his dark eyes still affected me. I wanted to pluck them from his head.

“Don’t kill him, Cimil,” Other-me said. Of course, Narmer couldn’t see or hear her.

“Shut your piehole,” I told her.

Narmer cocked a brow. “I am not familiar with the term piehole.”

“I’m not speaking to you, unicorn slayer!” I spat and then turned toward Other-me. “Not a peep from you. Got it? Not a peep. I don’t care if we all die.”

Other-me shrugged and then mimed the “zippy lip, throw away the key” thing.

I took a deep breath and turned my attention back to Narmer. “What are you doing here?”

He lifted his chin. “I am here to apologize.”

I bust out laughing. Ironically, so did Other-me. At least we were consistent.

I slapped my knee. “Funny, big boy, but I think that camel left the sand dune four-point-seven millennia ago when you killed my Minky and decapitated me.”

His eyes were hard and cold. “I behaved deplorably. There is no excuse.” Chin still held high, he lowered himself to his knees. “I’ve spent thousands of years searching for the answers—what I am, how I was truly created, why no matter how many women I sleep with or drink from, I feel emptier by the day.”

“Excellent! Then my wish to see you suffer for eternity was granted. It’s about f**king time the Universe gave me something.”

“I know you despise me,” he said. “But let me assure you, the feeling is mutual.”

“Then why the hell are you here, on your knees, asking for forgiveness?” I seethed.

He cleared his throat. “As much as my stomach churns with revulsion at the notion, I believe that… perhaps…”

“What, you filthy, fangy pharaoh?”

“Perhaps I have never truly gotten over you.” He swallowed. “I ask that you give me thirty days to discover the truth, and if I am correct, to help me find a way to break this curse.”

What a complete jackass! This monster destroyed my heart and wanted me to help him figure out if he still loved me so that if he did, I could help him to stop loving me?

Finally, someone crazier than me!