Accidentally…Cimil? (Accidentally Yours #4.5)(2)
Author: Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

I am a good goddess. I am a gentle goddess. I am a patient goddess. I will not turn him into a dung beetle. “You’ll have to be more specific,” I said.

“T-t-temple of the Sun. Temple of Ra.”

Hmmm… How ironic. I’d actually come to Egypt looking for a real live sun god. Of course, Kinich didn’t really hang out in temples, given he pretended to be a commoner. A seven-foot, golden-haired commoner with turquoise eyes. At least his tan fit right in.

“Is your king married? Got a girlfriend? What kind of music does he like? Ska revival? Dubstep? Oh, wait! I know, eighties love ballads!” I had to imagine a male as beautiful and strong as the pharaoh had hundreds of willing women at his beck and call. And what better music for a stud-gyptian like him than Journey?

Adom shook his head no. “I do not understand your words.”

I sighed. That was my problem; no one did. Probably due to the fact that the dead constantly chattered away in the background of my mind—a sound reminiscent of a really, really big cocktail party—sharing every memory they’d ever had. They also existed in a place beyond the confines of time. They were from the future and the past, which made it extremely difficult to keep the present straight inside my head.

“Skip the music question, spanky. Just tell me about his love situation,” I said.

“But I am named Adom, my lady.”

“Oh, spanky, have you learned nothing yet?” I smiled sweetly. “Now speak! Or I’ll rip off your toenails!”

“My king,” Adom explained nervously, “has taken a vow of chastity until he finds his queen. He believes women rob men of their power and will only share his with her.”

Oh. Now this just got a whole hell of a lot more interesting. Because if there was one thing I liked more than tasty, powerful mortals (and playing with them like a cat plays with a mouse), it was a challenge.

“So if he were on the prowl,” I asked, “what flavor would he go for? Chocolate, strawberry, peanut butter banana?”

Adom stared blankly, a dribble of sweat streaming from his temple, his shiny brown head reflecting the hot desert sun.

Ugh. “What kind of women does he like?”

“I do not know. I have never seen him with a woman.”

Dang it. Curse you, nature! You think you’re sooo funny taking the cutest ones away from us girls!

I sighed. “Are you sure he would not like me? I come in all flavors of crazy. Most men, even those who prefer a hockey stick to a puck, want a little lick.”

“I-I-I cannot say. You are very frightening.”

True. So true. But…

“That’s not what I meant. Oh, never mind! I will simply have to see for myself. Off with you!” I patted Adom on the head and looked up, up, up at Minky who was about the size of my pet whale. Of course, Minky only had one head and was invisible. The moment my friend Adom touched her, he would be invisible, too.

“Minky, baby, go with Adom. Once you are out of sight, you know what to do.” She’d take him anywhere he liked and give him as much gold as he could carry. I always kept a few hundred pounds strapped to Minky’s saddle. One never knew when one might find a good sale. Or encounter a bribable sea turtle. (Don’t ask.)

Minky flailed her head and neighed.

“Yes,” I replied. “I’ll be in the sun god suite when you return.” I turned to Adom. “All righty! Off you go! See ya, papi.” I gave Adom a pat on the tushy. “Fly! Be free!”

Adom zombied off through the crowd with Minky on his tail.

As for me? I had a sun god to hunt down before my date with a power-hungry, pious mortal who’d finally met his match.

Damn straight, women rob men of their power. Especially when it came to me.

* * *

Just after midnight, I approached the massive rectangular doorway of the temple of the sun. I’d spent the day combing dusty markets, smelling the stench of ripe animal dung, and asking around for Kinich. People knew who he was, but not where, which meant he was likely on another extended nude sunbathing excursion in the desert or off praying to the Creator to make him mortal. Who knew? I’d send Minky out to search when she returned. But point was, I really needed a little fun time to wash away my pissy mood. This part of the world was blistering, sandy, and the human males did not grant me a shred of cred when I told them I’d lop off their hands if they groped me.

For the record, it’s seriously no fun lopping off men’s hands when they don’t see it coming. It’s the screaming leading up to the lopping event that makes the punishment magical!

In any case, someone needed to teach these horny sycophants some manners—a topic I planned to bring up with Mr. Hunky Skirt after I hobbled his royal ego and wrapped him around my immortal pinkie. After I determined which ice cream he preferred, that was. Nut delight or soft-serve?

Cloaked in a black shroud, I approached the two bare-chested guards wearing manly microminis and then paused in front of the stone fire pit at the entrance. I gazed appreciatively at the torch-lit, glyph-covered walls. The structure itself was quite impressive. So monumental, in fact, that from a distance, the giant statues of Ra—the Egyptian sun god—to either side of the grand entryway appeared as tiny figurines balancing oranges atop their heads.

“Evenin’ there, cowboys. What are your names?” I unveiled my head and watched the firelight dance in their pupils as they took me in.

“Where did she come from?” gasped the man on the left.

“She must be a creature from the bowels of the underworld,” said the man on the right.

I shot Righty the stink eye before I stomped his toes with my sandal-clad foot. “Oh now, that was just rude. Do I look like I came from a bowel?” I opened my cloak and revealed my very skimpy white halter, busty chest, and little white sarong. I’d made both from panels of linen I’d “borrowed” from a merchant in the market. “Where’s the chivalry? Really? I bet you don’t get many dates, do you?”

The man trembled and blinked.

“Serenity, big boy. Serenity.” I closed my cloak. “Actually, I am the Goddess of the Underworld. And by the way, I’m pretty tired of being mistaken for a man. Osiris? Oooh, please! Do I look like an Osiris?”

The two men stared blankly.

“Fine. Clearly we won’t resolve this now. Take me to your leader,” I said in a deep, ominous voice.

Suddenly, I spotted a beetle scuttling across the entryway, heading toward my foot. Ewww! I stomped on it, smashing the tiny villain into an unrecognizable pulp.