Pulled(43)
Author: A.L. Jackson

As painful as it had been, I’d done everything with a smile on my face. Even though I’d insisted that he not contact me while I was away, I had been convinced he’d call that day. I was eighteen and free to leave. But there had been nothing. It was the day I felt the first real flicker of fear that maybe he didn’t want me anymore.

Shrugging it off, I’d told myself he was just respecting me, giving me the space I’d insisted I needed.

So I continued on, obligingly attending my therapy sessions every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and silently crying through the abuse. Diane, my therapist, tried to be kind, her own eyes usually damp by the end of the hour, promising it wouldn’t always hurt this bad. What she didn’t understand was that the physical pain had nothing on the pain in my heart. It seemed that as my body became stronger, my mind became weaker, a cloud settling in around me, heavy and ominous.

I missed Daniel so much. Each night I’d crawl into my bed alone, succumbing to the ache I’d felt all day.

I’d bury my face into my pillow to try to drown out my sorrow as I begged him to come to me. My body longed for his, needing to feel his love for me. For the better part of a month Mom had rushed into my room each night, trying to calm me, running her hands through my hair as she promised it would be okay. I’d cursed at her, blaming her. She’d beg me to stop, telling me she’d only wanted what was best for me. I had insisted that that was Daniel.

She stopped coming the night I told her I hated her.

The days that passed only made it worse, each one a reminder that he still hadn’t called. I was in a constant state of despair, weeping behind closed doors and a total bitch to anyone who crossed my path. I never wanted to act this way, but I found myself unable dig myself out of the depression I was in. It had gotten harder to go to my appointments, harder to do my schoolwork, harder to live. I couldn’t do it without him. It would have been okay had he contacted me, done anything just to let me know he still loved me and wanted me. I would have happily lived out this sentence until I could go back to him. But he didn’t.

Four excruciating months, and still nothing from Daniel.

“Melanie!”

Didn’t she have any idea how hard it is just to put on my freaking shoes? I stood, the first step always the most painful. I winced as I began down the stairs, descending them as quickly as possible while Mom waited impatiently at the landing. Thankfully, I no longer needed Mark to carry me up and down. I hated being dependent on anyone, even though it was clear my step-dad didn’t share in my parents’ view of Daniel. He’d taken the moments of my vulnerability as he carried me up the stairs to tell me I’d be better soon and then I could go to Daniel. The only hope I had was Mark and the energy that pulled me back to Colorado, the tug on my heart that told me where I belonged—with Daniel.

And that was exactly my plan. I’d made up my mind that as soon as Diane discharged me, I’d go back to him. There was always an underlying insecurity I felt that Daniel might not want me anymore, but truly that wasn’t what I believed. I could still feel his love for me, traveling all these miles over all this time, and I had to believe in that.

Mom fumbled with her keys in her agitation, dropping them twice before finding the right one to bring her small, red car to life. She looked over her right shoulder to back down the driveway and caught my eye.

“This is getting old, Melanie. You need to stop acting like some petulant little child and grow up,” she huffed as she braked in the street, switching the car into drive. Staring straight ahead, she held her jaw rigid as she chose her words carefully, her tone softening. “It’s time you moved on.”

“What do mean by that?” I spat back at her.

“Melanie, Daniel hasn’t even tried to contact you in four months. That isn’t exactly the kind of behavior you’d expect from someone who says he cares about you.

He hasn’t even checked to see how you’re doing. You could still be in a wheelchair for all he knows.” My anger burned, fueled by my fear that her words might be true. I could feel my face flush, my fists curling around the sides of the seat. “If you remember correctly, Mom, I’m here because of you, not because Daniel didn’t want me. You know exactly why he hasn’t called.”

She was quiet for a moment before breathing out heavily through her nose. “If you want to blame me for all of this, Melanie, then fine, you can do that. But being angry with me doesn’t change the fact that he hasn’t called or…or even had one of his parents call to check on you.

Doesn’t that seem a little odd?”

She looked to me, but I refused to meet her gaze, staring into my lap. Of course I thought it was “a little odd.” I was tormented by it, but I wasn’t about to admit that to her.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt any more than you already have, sweetheart.”

I squeezed my eyes tight, an exasperated yelp escaping my pursed lips. She didn’t want me to get hurt anymore than I already had? How dare she?

“Now you don’t want me to hurt, Mom? Was the pain you caused me just enough, and now you want to protect me from any more? Is that how it works? Was it okay for you to take me away from the one person I love the most, right after our baby died, so I had to grieve for her without him? Was that just the right amount of pain for me? Tell me, Mom, because I’d like to know just how much pain you think I should have!”

She tried to catch her breath as if my words were suffocating her. I knew they stung, but I refused to take them back. “Melanie…I…I never meant to hurt you.” She sniffled, and her chest jerked as she tried to hold back her cries. “You’ll never understand how sorry I am.”

“Sorry doesn’t take away what you did to me…to us.”

Maybe someday I would forgive her, but not now.

I’d always been quick to forgive and never hold a grudge, but what she’d done was cruel, especially after giving me her blessing. I still didn’t understand her reasons.

Neither of us spoke as we drove; the only sound was Mom’s whimpering. She gulped for air as she tried to contain herself. I felt guilty for upsetting her so much, but she needed to understand how much she’d hurt me.

She pulled into the parking lot, and for the first time, she didn’t get out. She just stared straight ahead as I struggled to stand from the seat. Then she pulled away and left me standing alone, watching her drive away.

I felt another pang of guilt before pushing it away and subjecting myself to one more day of Diane’s torture.