Insider (Exodus End #1)(75)
Author: Olivia Cunning

“Yeah, but he had a stripper in his bed. So after I fist bump him for not dying on a toilet—”

“Logan!”

“I’ll spend the rest of the day staring at him in awe and begging him to show me his fingering.”

“That’s what she said,” slipped out before Toni could help herself.

Logan burst out laughing and grabbed her, hauling her onto his lap. “I can’t show you his fingering,” he said, “but I can show you mine.”

“Later,” she said, her eyes drifting closed as he found the sensitive spot on her neck. Her body shuddered as waves of pleasure coursed down her spine. “We need to finish our interview first.”

“The entire time you were back here alone with the other guys, I was going crazy for my turn to answer your questions.”

“That’s why you were going crazy?”

His soft chuckle stirred strands of hair against the suddenly sensitive skin of her throat. “You got me,” he said. “I just wanted to be near you and not let anyone else enjoy what I have.”

“Oh, so you have me, do you?” He totally did, but the more time she spent with him, the more she realized she wasn’t the only one who was completely infatuated in this pairing. She had him as much as he had her. She loved the way that knowledge made her feel: desirable, resilient, capable, confident. She never would have guessed that falling in love would make her a stronger person. Now if she could just get the man to stop using the f-word when referring to her; they were so much more than friends. He had to realize that as much as she did.

“I hope so. One-sided love affairs suck.”

“So this is love,” she pressed, her heart thundering in her chest. She wanted him to admit he had deeper feelings for her. Needed him to admit it so that she felt confident enough to tell him how much she already cared about him. He’d want to hear that, wouldn’t he?

She instantly found herself sitting on the sofa beside him when he shoved her off his lap. Her heart sank.

“Don’t be naïve, Toni. We haven’t known each other long enough to put a name on what this is. Why can’t we just be friends for now?”

She turned her face from him, struggling to keep her tears in check so he wouldn’t know how deeply his words affected her. She was naïve and stupid about love, but he didn’t have to be such a dick about it.

“Let’s get this interview over with,” he said.

She wasn’t in the mood to interview him now. What had begun as a playful interaction had turned sour. Why had she insisted on getting him to admit he loved her? It made him defensive and cranky. It made her feel rejected and unworthy. If he loved her, he’d tell her when he was ready. And if he never did . . . Her chest tightened, and one of the tears she’d been trying to hold back slid down her cheek. She couldn’t bear the thought.

“Toni?”

She wiped her face on her upper arm, hoping he hadn’t noticed she was so upset. Being with him might make her stronger, but thinking of losing him turned her into an invertebrate. She had to find a way to harden her heart. She didn’t want to be one of those desperate creatures who needed a member of the opposite sex in order to feel worthwhile. She wanted the kind of love her parents had shared. Where each person was whole and strong on their own and yet being together made their natural awesomeness shine. That was what she wanted.

“Dare warned me this would happen,” Logan said with a sigh.

“Dare warned you what would happen?” she snapped.

“You’d confuse our sexual relationship with a serious, romantic one.”

“If you just kept our interactions sexual, I wouldn’t be confused,” she shouted, her hurt rapidly changing to anger. “But you don’t. You act like you want to be around me constantly. You get jealous of other guys. You’re attentive and say some truly loving things to me. I know you care about me.”

“As a friend.”

Toni’s jaw hardened. How was it possible to find such an affectionate word so odious?

“I don’t think I’m the one who’s confused at all,” she said. “I think you’re the one who’s mixed up.”

“Me?” He lifted his hands defensively. “Babe, you have no idea how many women I’ve banged in my life.”

“Just because you’ve banged dozens—”

“Hundreds.”

“Hundreds?” Her stomach lurched.

“Maybe.” He shrugged. “I lost count.”

She scowled at him. “Just because you’ve banged hundreds of women—really, hundreds?” She shook her head, trying to comprehend his claim. He had to be exaggerating. “That doesn’t mean you know the first thing about love.”

“Next you’re going to claim you know more about love than I do.” He snorted derisively.

“I haven’t ever been in love,” she admitted. Until I met you. “But I’ve seen it. I saw it between my parents every day for the first fifteen years of my life. I know what it looks like.”

“Lucky you.”

He glanced down at his lap, and for the first time Toni realized that Logan had never told her about his family. She’d talked about hers—Logan had encouraged it and even seemed to crave her mundane stories. But the only thing she knew about his family situation was that his parents had divorced.

“Didn’t you recognize the love between your parents?” she asked. “Before they split up, I mean.”

“The love between my parents?” He chuckle was cynical and cold. “There was no love between my parents. They hated each other. The best decision they ever made was to get a divorce. I don’t know why they even got married in the first place.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what? It’s not your fault they couldn’t get along. The blame for that lies on my bratty older brother.” His lips twisted slightly, and she figured he was joking. About which part, she wasn’t sure.

“What’s your brother like?”

“I hate him, so it doesn’t matter, does it?”

Toni couldn’t imagine hating a sibling. Her sister meant everything to her, and she missed Birdie terribly.

“Why do you hate him?”

Logan lifted his gaze to meet hers. “Why do you care? Is all of this going to end up in your book? Poor Logan has never been in love, you’ll write, and then you’ll offer up some sob story about a broken home and an irreconcilable feud between brothers.”