Lost to You (Take This Regret 0.5)(9)
Author: A.L. Jackson

Fingers traveled up my shirt, fluttered across my chin, her mouth a breath from mine. “I was hoping you’d be here.”

“You were, huh?” Cocking my head, I looked into the brown eyes staring back at me. They were completely the wrong kind of brown, dark chocolate and rimmed in black. Not light and tinged with honey, not knowing and kind. I blinked the thought away. “I was hoping you were going to be here, too,” I mumbled at the side of her face, my nose brushing the length of her jaw.

Of course, she hadn’t really crossed my mind since the last time I left her apartment more than four weeks ago.

She ran her fingers through my hair, kissed across my face, murmured at my ear, “I missed—”

I didn’t give her time to finish, just covered her mouth with mine to cut off whatever words she was going to say that would ruin the understanding we had. I kissed her for what felt like forever, my senses filled with the sting of heavy perfume and a thickness that had my pulse beating erratically. I fought whatever I was feeling, this sensation that urged me to push her away. Instead, I kissed her deeper, swept my tongue against hers, and dipped my hands into her brown hair.

With a short gasp, she broke the kiss. “Wanna go back to my place?” she asked with her body pressed up against mine. Loud music pulsed against our skin, driving the need higher inside of me, something foreign and unpleasant.

“Yeah, let’s get out of here.”

That’s all I wanted, to get out of there, to remove myself from what was gnawing under the surface of my skin.

I climbed to my feet and stretched my hand out to help her stand. With her hand in mine, I dragged her through the mass.

Tom stood near the door, talking too loud and too close to some poor girl’s face. He glanced up as I approached, a knowing smirk overtaking his mouth. “See you next weekend, man.”

I didn’t reply, just raised my hand over my head to announce my goodbye, and got Lisa out of there as fast as humanly possible. The second we were in the hall, her mouth was on my chin and moving over my jaw. Her hand smoothed its way over my chest, up my neck, and into my hair. My hands dove back into her hair, and I was kissing her and stumbling back as we made our way down the hall.

Seconds later, she had me in the elevator. The low bleep of the button indicated we’d made it to the seventh floor. I backed down her hall, my hands on her hips as I edged us toward her apartment. My back hit her door with a thud.

“Christian,” she mumbled.

Pinned against the wood, it burned into my skin, hard and cold. I sensed too much, the numbness I craved every weekend absent, my hands and mind frantic as I tore at Lisa to get her closer.

But it was Elizabeth’s face in my head. Her soft skin under my hands. My fingers digging into her hips.

I jerked my face back from Lisa, raised it to the ceiling, and sucked in a breath as I forced the image aside.

Lisa’s mouth went to my exposed neck as she blindly fumbled through her purse. Metal clinked as she withdrew her keys. She reached around me to wiggle one into the lock and let us into her dark apartment.

I already knew the way to her room. I had been there several times.

I palmed Lisa’s slender hips, and flattened my body against hers. And Elizabeth was still there, her hips curvier, her round ass fitting perfectly in my hands.

I groaned, and Lisa giggled.

Fuck.

My hands snaked under her shirt, my palms gliding up her sides as I pushed it over her head.

Oh God.

My mouth came down aggressive against Lisa’s as I palmed her breast in my hand, anything to fill up and shut out whatever was resisting this from happening tonight.

Lisa ripped my shirt over my head, went for the buttons on my jeans while I kicked off my shoes. Her skirt was on the floor and I was pushing her to her bed. I climbed between her legs.

And all I saw was Elizabeth, could do nothing but imagine what she’d look like lying there instead, how soft she would feel. How this would feel different.

I could never have Elizabeth, but still, I knew I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t f**k some girl while I pictured Elizabeth’s face. It was wrong—disrespectful to Lisa—but what I really cared about was the overwhelming feeling that it was even more disrespectful to Elizabeth.

Unwelcomed hands were at my waistband, pushing down my underwear. I struggled back, got to my knees, and pinned her arms at her sides.

For a moment, confusion filled Lisa’s eyes, before a slow, sexy grin took her over, misunderstanding seeded in the manipulated compliance.

I dropped my head, a heavy, regretful breath forced from my lungs. “I can’t do this, Lisa.”

The confusion was back, a mix of hurt and anger and embarrassment.

“What did I do? I don’t understand.” I released her arms, and she reached for me, her fingertips just grazing across my bare chest as her eyes and mouth implored, “Please.”

I understood it then, saw it, all the times I’d done this and then walked out the door, left some girl alone, many times when I didn’t even know her name. Was I really blind enough to believe that they were just like me, that one night was all they ever wanted, that they never gave me a second thought once I was gone? Because when I looked down at the blow I’d just inflicted on Lisa, I knew that was not the case. She’d thought of me, wanted me.

“I’m sorry, Lisa.” Scooting off her bed, I fumbled to get back into my jeans. I grabbed my shirt from the floor and tugged it over my head. “I can’t do this anymore.”

She looked away, to the wall, and covered her br**sts with the drape of her arm. “You’re an ass**le.” That statement came so quiet, yet its truth consumed the room.

“I know.” I guess it was something I’d always known. It was just the first time I’d admitted it.

I left her there, took the stairs because I needed to burn off some of this unspent energy.

Elizabeth had gotten under my skin. Exposed who I really was just by reflecting her light onto me.

She didn’t have to voice it. It was spoken in the way she resisted me the first day, in the assumptions she made that weren’t really assumptions at all because they were nothing but the truth. It was clear in the way her eyes clouded with a token of distrust, a barrier she had to place between us to protect herself from me.

Because Elizabeth knew she could just as easily be like Lisa, left alone upstairs, instead of my friend who I couldn’t wait to see again.

I ran back to my apartment and let myself into the darkness. I went straight into the bathroom and blasted the showerhead, turning it as hot as it would go. I shucked my clothes. Steam filled the room, and I stepped into the water and welcomed its relief. Hot sheets blanketed my back, and I raised my head, let the waves flow down my face, let it wash the night from my body.