Medicine Man (Page 22)

He’s not a hero, he said.

Maybe that’s why I shattered myself just now. For him. So he could fix me, save me like a hero he says he isn’t.

With his medicine in my blood putting me to sleep, I close my eyes to that ridiculous thought. I don’t want anyone to save me. I don’t need saving. I also don’t need a hero.

I definitely don’t need a king who builds a castle for the one he loves. The one with the silver hair. And neither do I want that gray-eyed king to call the silver-haired girl, his snow princess.

Days spent on the Inside = 21

Days left to spend on the Inside = 21

Days since the ice king showed up = 7

He’s chatting with Josie.

The man of my dreams.

Actually, Dr. Simon Blackwood is the man who comes into my dreams. Not sure if it’s the same thing. Not sure if I should be dreaming about him at all.

The enemy. But honestly, he doesn’t feel like one.

He feels like someone I know but not really. Because I don’t know him.

All I know is that he doesn’t act like any other doctor I’ve met on the Outside. He hasn’t judged me or looked at me with condescension. Like he knows everything about my illness and the things I need, and I know nothing.

I also know that he’s fixing a house he doesn’t live in and he doesn’t like to be called a hero, but he saves people from needles and talks about putting my book back together.

Other things about him, I’ve only imagined.

Like his body. All powerful and male.

After that first time when I touched myself thinking that he was watching me, I’ve thought about him, dreamt about him daily. Every night, I feel like I have eyes on me and I’m putting on a show for him. But of course, no one’s there, at my little window.

I am the ballerina with no one to perform for but I do it anyway because my body won’t let me stop.

Sitting in the dining hall during lunch, I squirm in my chair, feeling full and achy. I cross my arms across my chest to hide my tightened nipples as I watch him chat with Josie. Not that he’s a chatting type, but apparently for her he is.

Suddenly, I’ve lost my appetite for the food in front of me.

I don’t feel like eating my chicken when Josie is close enough to count his eyelashes. Or the fact that he’s looking at her like she’s a wonder of the world when he hasn’t even looked at me once since we talked about needles last week.

Okay, so maybe not a wonder of the world, but something. Something that gives him pleasure. Something that makes his soft lips tip up at the edges.

I look away; I can’t watch. Maybe I should interrogate Josie in our session today and ask her about it. Or maybe I can ask him since I’m meeting with him too, at the end of the day.

“You’re not gonna believe what I have to tell you.” Renn plops down on the seat beside me, her tray laden with food.

Then she looks at me with pity.

“What?” I stab a fork in my chicken.

“Oh, Willow.” She presses a hand on her chest. “I love you, but this is gonna hurt.”

I sit up straight in my chair. “What? What are you talking about?”

She sighs dramatically. “I’ve got some dirt on him. I know you claimed him and so I went digging. People are not talking, which in itself is very weird. But I have my ways.”

“What? What ways?” I’m confused now, and fearful of what she has to tell us.

“Can you just tell us and get this over with?” Penny says in a bored voice.

Renn gives me another look of pity before launching into her story. “So, we already know that his dad founded this place, right? But get this…” She looks at us one by one and my heart starts to slam inside my ribcage, more than it was already slamming. “They have been trying to get him to work for them for years. Like, years. But he never accepted. Until now. You know why that is? It’s because our current Dr. Blackwood didn’t leave his job in Boston on his own. He left it because he was fired.”

“What?” This comes from Penny.

“Yes. He was fired. Can you believe it? Dr. Blackwood, the excellent doctor, was let go. No one knows for sure though. Official statement is that he quit. But there has been talk that he was forced to quit.”

Immediately, Penny denies it, but then comes up with all the reasons why he could’ve been fired. And in their usual way, she and Renn go back and forth.

Forged prescription. Self-medication. Affair.

My heartbeat spikes at the mention of an affair and I want to say shut up. Stop talking. I can’t hear it.

But all my words have died. I’m stunned. Reeling. Not in a million years would I have guessed Renn’s big news.

He was fired.

Dr. Simon Blackwood, the ice king, the hero, was fired.

Fired for God’s sake.

Instantly, I know it’s a mistake. It has to be. No one in their right mind would fire him. I’ve only known him for a week and we’ve had a handful of conversations, but I know that much.

I believe that much.

“All right. Stop,” Renn commands, before turning to me. “I’m sorry I got carried away. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” I shrug. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I know you like him –” She raises her hand when Penny protests. “Maybe it’s not true, you know.”

“I know it’s not true.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. I mean, I don’t believe it. Not everything you hear or even… read is reliable,” I say, paraphrasing the man himself.

He gave me the benefit of the doubt. I can definitely do the same for him.

“Well, then, I don’t believe it either,” Renn says.

Vi smiles at me, nodding. “Me neither.”

I smile back and for some reason, it makes me want to cry. This group of girls who have only known me for three weeks have somehow become the best friends I’ve ever had.

Renn gives me a side hug, which obviously gets noticed by Hunter, who’s standing nearby. She blows him a kiss when he tells us to break it up.

“God, you guys,” Penny grumbles half-heartedly. “Stop crushing on the staff. It’s not right.”

Even though we all laugh, my heart isn’t in it. I’m burning up with questions. Questions I don’t think I have a right to ask.

But I want to.

I wonder if this is what psychiatrists feel when they are analyzing their patients. I guess not. Why would they? It’s all clinical, in the name of medicine.

So I guess, he doesn’t feel the same burn when he asks me questions. Which is great because it’s not like I’m going to answer them anyway.

But why do I want him to feel the same burn that I’m feeling right now?

A second later, that burn takes up a physical form and I feel the heat of someone watching me. I turn around in my seat and my eyes clash with his. He’s leaving the dining area with Josie and his gaze is on me.

I sense a strange intensity in them. A strange… passion. An interest. A personal interest. It quickens my breath, makes me sweat under my clothes with the heat.

I’m not sure if I’m making it up or what. But the allure of it is enough for me to keep staring back. Until he looks away, breaking our connection.

My eyes go to the clock in the dining room.

Four hours to go before I meet him again.

Before I’m alone with him.

***

Four very long hours later, it’s time for my meeting with him.