Medicine Man (Page 68)

“Well, that’s all you can do. That’s all anyone can do. We can try, and sometimes we fail. And sometimes we do get where we want to go. But you’ll never know if you don’t try. You have to try, Willow.”

She’s giving me such a meaningful look, and you know what, she’s right. It’s been three months, and I need to let him go. I’ll never know if I don’t try.

“Okay.” I nod, smiling slightly.

Maybe if I try, I’ll get where I wanna go – a place where those weeks don’t exist. That was always my goal, wasn’t it? Not thinking about spending time at a psychiatric hospital. I wanted to leave it behind when I left.

But the irony of it is that I can’t bear the thought of forgetting the weeks that completely changed my life. Maybe I can keep the good memories and forget the ugly ones.

Yeah, maybe that’s what I should do. Remember the good times and not The Heartstone Incident.

Three hours later, I’m at the apartment that I share with Renn in the Village, lying on the carpeted floor, staring at the white popcorn ceiling.

Renn, Vi, and Penny are lying in a circle beside me, our heads on one side and our legs raised up and resting on either the yellow suede couch or on the brown coffee table.

This was another one of our poker nights and like always, Renn cleaned me out of my money that I work very hard for at the bookstore.

I hate her.

Actually, I don’t. I love her and that she came to my rescue not only on the Inside but also on the Outside.

After The Heartstone Incident, I had to stay on the Inside for another four weeks. They strongly advised me that I should, and I agreed.

What happened was wrong. I did a wrong thing. I shouldn’t have attacked him.

I put myself and my health in jeopardy. No amount of heartbreak should result in that. I just didn’t know that heartbreak could be so powerful. But I’ve decided on one thing – that no matter how much it hurts, I’ll never let myself do that again.

Love shouldn’t make you lose your mind like that. Love could be hurtful, but it shouldn’t be toxic. It’s too pure for that. Too magical.

It’s not an illness and I won’t let it become one.

I was the last of our gang to get out and when I did, feeling all lost and afraid, Renn called me up and asked me if I wanted to share an apartment with her. She said that she was trying this new independent healthy thing and she’d rather do it with me than alone. Of course, I said yes.

And frankly, I wasn’t ready to make a go at it alone anyway.

Something about stepping into the Outside world had scared me. Maybe it was the lack of structure.

On the Inside, everything is regimented. You follow a routine. You follow the rules. On the Inside, you’re the most important person, the most important aspect of your life. But on the Outside, priorities change. Things are chaotic, like the New York City streets in winter. Dirty and full of sludge and jam-packed with traffic.

It’s easy to lose your way. It’s easy to think you’re not good enough to navigate life. Every challenge is much harder on the Outside.

“Ruth wants me to date,” I tell the girls.

Honestly, I’m not sure if they’d even hear me. They are drunk and high as fuck. Even Penny, who doesn’t usually like to get under the influence. But it’s Friday and things are relaxed.

I don’t have qualms about getting drunk on Renn’s vodka and practically inhale Vi’s funny brownies, but tonight, I don’t want to. I’m not in the mood.

“Date who?” Renn asks from beside me, her voice all hoarse.

Pot makes her horny. It makes me horny too. It also makes me dream of him.

This is why I’ve chosen to remain sober. So I don’t dream of him tonight and touch myself and then cry. I need to take Ruth’s advice. I don’t even know why I’m not.

“Date whom.” That’s Penny in her giggling voice. “You’re such an illiterate cow.”

“You’re such an ugly hag,” Renn giggles.

Vi simply snorts.

Snorting myself, I shrug. “To answer Renn’s question, I don’t know. Someone. A guy.”

“Date a girl.” Renn sighs.

“What?”

“Yeah. Date a girl. Oh man, date a girl with like, big tits.”

I flip on my stomach to look at Renn. She’s running a finger up and down her chest and rubbing her thighs together. Her t-shirt is oversized but thin. Nothing much has changed in her wardrobe from when we were on the Inside. Except she doesn’t wear pants, only boy shorts, at least when she’s home.

“Is this the horniness talking?”

She shoots me a look. “It’s the loneliness talking.” Looking away, she continues, “I mean, how strange it is that I haven’t touched another woman’s tits and girly bits. Shouldn’t I know my own kind intimately? It’s a fucking tragedy.”

Vi flips on her stomach, too. “Or it could be the fact that you’re thinking about Tristan.”

Now, Vi? That girl has completely changed. Her hair’s pink, and instead of wearing drab and nondescript clothes like she did on the Inside, she now wears shorts like me and punk rock t-shirts. And she loves to bake. Especially brownies with pot.

We still don’t know what her exact story is or how her fiancé died, but I have a feeling we’ll know one day. When she’s ready to tell us. I’m not as frustrated about it as Renn sometimes gets, though.

Renn flips on her stomach too. “What?”

“It’s a valid conclusion.”

“How is it a valid conclusion?”

“When Willow came home from work last week and said that they’d gotten a new employee by the name of Christian, you heard Tristan, and you completely freaked out.”

“I did not!”

“You jumped a mile in your seat and you ate all the chocolate chip cookie dough laced with rum. And then we stayed up all night when you were puking your guts out.”

Throwing a couch pillow on Vi’s face, she snaps, “Fuck you, Vi. That was a weak moment. Such a low blow.”

“It’s true, though,” Penny says, flipping on her stomach as well, her hands under her chin. “You did freak out a little bit.”

Renn lies on her back, kicking her feet in the air. “I did not. I only knew the guy for like, three weeks tops. That’s nothing. And in that entire time, he annoyed the fuck out of me, okay? I don’t even remember what he looks like. The only reason I don’t forget his name is because you guys won’t stop saying it. So, can we please move on from this joke?”

“But –”

“Guys!” I raise my voice and my hands, deciding to jump into the conversation, still playing the peacekeeper. “Stop fighting, okay? I don’t like fighting.”

All three of them go quiet and look at me for a few seconds before starting back up, completely ignoring me. I sigh, shaking my head. I never should’ve brought up dating.

Amidst the chaos, I hear my phone ring. It’s Beth.

Shooting them one last exasperated glance, I go to the bedroom and shut my door. “Hey, Beth.”

“Hey, Willow. How are you?”

Ever since I got out two months ago, Beth has called me on and off, to check in with me. We’ve gotten pretty close, actually. At first, I thought that she did it with all the patients, as unbelievable as that sounds. But then I realized she only did it with me, because none of the other girls have gotten any calls from her.