Medicine Man (Page 66)

“That’s not what I asked. Do you love Willow, Simon?”

No.

I want to say it. I want to deny it. I do.

But the fucking words won’t come.

You have feelings for me, Simon. I have feelings for you, too.

I don’t deserve her love. Not after the things I said to her. Not after what I made her do.

No wonder she hates doctors.

“I don’t have time for this.” I dismiss Beth and resume packing up all the documents that I’ll need to convince Claire’s parents not to take her off life support.

“Answer me. Do you love her or not?”

I snap the messenger bag shut and almost throw it aside in frustration. “What does it matter? What do I know of love, Beth? Fucking nothing. I know nothing about love. All I know is that my mother killed herself and I was the one who found her body. Do you know that I already knew? As soon as I woke up that day, I knew. I knew she was dead. I hadn’t even seen her. I wasn’t even out of my bed yet. I knew it as soon as I opened my eyes. There was this… fucking coldness in the house. Like she was radiating it out from her body. She was almost blue. The foam had dried out around her mouth. I can’t get that picture out of my head. I can’t sleep sometimes and if I do, I’m fucking terrified of waking up.

“I didn’t even know that she was that unhappy. I didn’t know that she was planning on killing herself. Or how long was she planning it for. I knew she felt it. She felt inadequate when Dad wouldn’t come home. When he would completely disappear during her episodes. I know that. But I didn’t know her end was so near.”

Finally, I focus on her with grainy eyes. “I don’t know anything about love, Beth. All I know is what I’ve seen growing up. And it’s pretty fucking ugly. I’m pretty fucking ugly on the inside.”

I don’t even know why we’re talking about this anymore. It doesn’t matter. She hates me now, and rightfully so.

Needles freak her out, but she practically forced us, forced me to sedate her. She purposely hurt herself because of what I said and like a coward, I wouldn’t even take it back. I wouldn’t even take my words back.

She’s better off without me.

I’m ready to leave so I can drive up to Boston, but Beth’s words stop me. “Have you told him? Did you ever tell him? What you just told me, about how you found her that day?”

Breathing through my nose, I say, “Do you really think he would have cared if I told him? He went right back to work the next day. He was here for a whole week before I saw his face.”

“Simon, you need to talk to someone. You need professional help.”

 A laugh rips out of me. “Are you really saying that to me?”

“Yes. I think these are the classic symptoms of PTSD.”

“Are you a doctor too now?”

“No. But I’ve been around plenty of them all my life to know these things. In fact, I’ve been married to one since long before you were born.”

“I’m fine.”

“Just because you are a doctor doesn’t mean you can’t fall sick,” she says like she’s explaining it to a kid. “You know that, right?

Sighing, I shake my head and sling my bag over my shoulders. “I have to go.”

“Are they taking her off life support?” Beth asks, knowingly.

“Yes.”

“And you’re going to do what?” She shrugs. “Ask them to not do that? Ask them to keep her going because you have this obsession with never accepting failure?”

“Are you done talking? I’m going to be late.”

“Do you really think that whatever study you’ve dug up this time is going to help her, Simon? Or are you doing this to make yourself feel better?”

I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I’m leaving.”

Striding to the door, I snap it open, but I can’t take a step further without making sure Willow is safe. I turn around to face Beth. “In no way can this blow back on her. After this episode, she can’t leave tomorrow. No one, not the patients, not the staff, no one says a word to her. Not even you. They don’t even look at her the wrong way. Do what you have to do. Just take care of her. And… her mother. She’s going to be upset about this, but you need to make sure that she understands. What happened wasn’t Willow’s fault or her illness. She was…” Heartbroken.

And it was my fault. She went out of control because of me.

“Just make sure her mother understands so Willow doesn’t feel guilty.”

Beth has tears in her eyes and as much as I hate to see her cry, I can’t bear to be in this building. After tonight, I’m not coming back. I can’t stand the sight of it. I can’t stand the thought of walking the same hallways as my dad did.

“Do you know what your father’s biggest mistake was, Simon?”

Her words stop me in my tracks again but this time I want to hear the answer. I really do. I wait as Beth gathers her thoughts and wipes her tears.

 “He let his love for her turn into a weakness. He was a great doctor, but he failed at being a man. Every time she went through an episode, he couldn’t take it. He couldn’t see her, so he stopped seeing her. He threw himself into saving the rest of the world because he knew no matter what he did, he wouldn’t be able to fix his wife. He forgot that all his wife needed from him was love and support. She didn’t need him to be perfect. She didn’t need him to cure her or fix her or make her better. She just wanted him to love her.

“You want to be better than your father? Then stop being a hero. Stop being so afraid of failing. You’re just a man. You make mistakes. Own them. Don’t run from them. Don’t run from yourself. Give yourself a chance to fall. Don’t fight failure. Fight to rise from them. Fight for your future. Isn’t that what you tell your patients? Fight. For once, fight for yourself. Save yourself. She doesn’t need a hero. She just needs you.”

That’s where Beth’s wrong.

Willow does need someone perfect. Because she’s fucking perfect. She’s a fighter. She doesn’t need someone who’s still chasing after his past and will always be chasing after it. She doesn’t need someone who can’t even accept his own weaknesses, right his own wrongs. Who gets terrified of accepting failure to himself, let alone to a room full of people like she did.

She doesn’t need someone who can’t fall asleep at night and when he does, he wakes up in cold sweats. Who throws himself into his work, in saving people because the other option is unthinkable. Panic-inducing.

She needs a true hero.

And I’m a broken one.

***

Somewhere around two miles from Heartstone, a band appeared around my chest. The farther I drive from the hospital, the tighter it becomes. Until it’s almost impossible to breathe. Until I’m almost sure I’ll have to stop and get help.

Just then, my phone rings. It’s my father’s nurse.

I manage to pick it up. “Hello?”

“Simon, it’s your dad,” she says. “He looks like he remembers. You should come see him.”

Outside

Days since The Heartstone Incident = 93

“Have you thought about it? Since we last talked.”

“Yes.”

I sit up on my couch. “I mean, not actively.”

“Define actively,” Ruth, my Outside therapist, asks.