The Last Letter (Page 39)

“Which is exactly what you should tell Judge Iverson if he asks. Our definition of family has changed a ton in the last couple of decades, and marriage isn’t the determining factor anymore. And, since you’re the children’s mother, and they’re not wards of the state or anything, the only complication would really be Judge Iverson’s opinion. A single man can absolutely adopt his partner’s children without them being married. You guys just might have to play up the partner part a little.”

My cheeks warmed. I hadn’t had a “partner” since Jeff, and he wasn’t really ever that, anyway.

“So basically I’d be trading my sole decision-making rights, and that’s it?”

“Basically.” He fiddled with his wineglass as he watched us, his eyes seeing way too much.

“But you’d be gaining Maisie’s life,” Beckett answered. “And you know I’d never do anything that would cross you when it came to the kids. I’m not some villain. I’m just trying to help.”

“I know,” I said softly, and I did, but trust wasn’t something I handed out like candy.

“There’s one catch. You’re going to have to get Jeff to sign over his parental rights.”

Pretty sure a nuclear bomb going off would have had less impact on my heart.

“Why? He’s not on the birth certificate, and the kids are MacKenzies, not Danburys.”

“Ella, everyone knows Jeff is the father. Whether or not you admit it on the birth certificate doesn’t eliminate his rights. One paternity test and the adoption would be voided. I’m not saying he’d ever exercise his rights, but the judge is going to require the release. No release. No adoption.”

“Right,” I replied, my voice almost mouselike. I didn’t want to see Jeff. Ever. That was like ripping open a fully healed scar just for fun.

We thanked Mark, Beckett paid for dinner, and we left, riding back to the house in a tense silence.

“What way are you leaning?” Beckett asked as we pulled through Solitude’s gate.

“The way that doesn’t require me seeing Jeff.” I slammed my eyes shut. “That’s a lie. I know what you’re offering is a godsend, not just for Maisie, but for Colt. For me. I just can’t bear the idea of having to ask him for anything.”

“I’ll handle Jeff,” Beckett promised. “Besides, he’d probably run screaming if you showed up. At least I can blindside him.”

“You’d do that for me?” I asked as we reached my cabin, the truck coming to a soft stop.

“I would do anything for you.” His eyes locked onto mine in the dashboard lights, intense and a little hurt. “What is it going to take for you to believe me? To trust me? You want my background checked? Do it. You want my credit score? Awesome. My bank accounts? I’ll add you on. You have my word, my body, my time, and I’m standing here offering my last name. What else can I give you?”

“Beckett,” I leaned toward him, but he backed away.

“Not that you’d ever give them my last name, not when they don’t even get to know what we’re doing. Right? I can be their legal father, but I’m not good enough to be their dad.”

“That’s…that’s not what this is about.”

“Oh, I know. It’s that you don’t trust me to stay. You think I’ll walk out just like Jeff did. You think it will hurt the kids even more.”

“I figured we could tell them once Maisie was healthy.”

“If I’m still around by then, right?”

I hated and loved that he knew me so well. I didn’t even have to answer. He saw it in my eyes.

“Yeah. Okay.” He killed the engine and removed the keys. “I don’t even have the right to be upset. I know what I’m offering, and the being dad part isn’t in there, right? Just the legal protection. You need something, I’m giving it to you, just like I promised I would. Simple as that.”

He opened the door and got out of the truck. I followed quickly after, watching his back retreat down my driveway, toward the lake.

“What are you doing?”

“Leaving my truck here. I’ll get it tomorrow before the game. The walk will do me good.”

“Beckett!” I called after him.

“Don’t worry, Ella,” he called back. “I know my role. I’ve got it. And I’ll still show up. That’s how badly I want…”

He didn’t finish, just threw up his hands and kept walking.

But I finished that sentence for him in my head about a dozen different ways.

How badly I want you.

How badly I want your kids.

How badly I want to be in your life.

How badly I want to show up for you.

How badly I want Maisie to live.

Every single one I came up with made me feel worse for not trusting him. But the guy was up against a lifetime of people making promises and leaving me.

And I was up against a lifetime of no one trusting him.

Weren’t we just a pair?

Chapter Sixteen

Beckett

Letter #15

Chaos,

I’m so sorry you lost someone. I can’t imagine how hard that must be, to grieve and still carry on with what you’re doing. Every time I lost someone, my parents or my grandmother, it always shut me down, like my body couldn’t process the enormity of my feelings. It says a lot about the kind of man you are that you can continue to show up, and I mean that in the best of ways.

You say you’re bad with people, that you don’t connect, but that’s not who I see when I open these letters. Or rather, who I hear. Someone who can’t connect wouldn’t be so open. Heck, they wouldn’t have written back in the first place. But you did, and I’m grateful.

Maybe you simply choose who you connect with, and that’s okay. I don’t think anyone wakes up and decides to be the social butterfly like my brother. That’s probably why you two are good friends. You balance each other out.

You know who else I bet you’d connect with? Kids. Maybe not everyone’s kids, but definitely your own. Have you ever thought about kids? It’s a random question, but I’m curious. Probably because I had mine so young, and I can’t imagine not having them, I kind of picture everyone I meet with kids.

Except Hailey. She’s one of my closest friends, and I’m sure one day she’ll make a great mom…after she successfully adults on her own for a while. Successful being the key word there. I bet you’ll love her when you get here. She’s gorgeous, and fun, and doesn’t picture everyone she meets with kids.

Anyway, I bet you’d be a great dad. Brooding and tough, but also sneaking in Star Wars marathons on lazy weekends. I could absolutely picture it…if I could picture you. Yep, I’m still hankering for a picture.

I hope I managed to distract you for a few minutes. I hope you know how very sorry I am for your loss.

~ Ella

…

I stood at the window of the downtown Denver high-rise, looking out over the city. This definitely wasn’t a place I could set down roots. Two months in Telluride had taught me that concrete and I weren’t compatible in the long-term sense.

Plus, Denver didn’t have Ella.

It had been a week since our fight in the truck, and we’d been polite…even friendly. But that easygoing rhythm we’d always had was nowhere to be found. Not with everything hanging between us.

If I wasn’t careful, she’d realize I was in love with her, and then we’d be in even deeper shit.

I’d never had a woman prick my temper the way Ella did. Hell, I’d sworn at her. I’d also never had a woman I cared to see more than once or twice, or one who owned my soul the way she did. Of course I’d agree to whatever terms she had when it came to the adoption. Not just because I was desperate to save Maisie and protect Colt, but because I’d give Ella whatever she wanted if it simply made her smile.

And in return, she was giving me a family, as screwed up as the justification was. The kids would be mine, in every way that mattered to me. I could love them, protect them, make sure they had everything they needed. I’d get Maisie approved for every treatment and make sure Colt knew I had his back every day of his life. I’d prove myself to Ella, show up until she couldn’t doubt me ever again, and then I’d win her heart.

Until she finds out what you did.

Yeah. That. It didn’t matter how hard I tried to ignore it, my secret hung over my head like a guillotine.

At least the kids would be protected when Ella kicked me out. It wasn’t like she’d unadopt the kids or risk Maisie. This was the one way I could fulfill my promise to Ryan and placate my aching heart, knowing one day the past was going to catch up to me.

My cell phone dinged, and I swiped to open the message app.

DONAHUE: Updated papers are ready with new dates. You sure about this?

My fingers paused over the keys. I was sure that I wanted Maisie to live, and this was the only means to that end.

GENTRY: Yep. But it doesn’t mean I’m coming back.

DONAHUE: You keep telling yourself that.

I slid my phone into my pocket, not bothering to reply.

“Mr. Gentry,” a voice called out from behind me, and I turned around.

“Mr. Danbury,” I answered. So this was Jeff. He basically looked like an overgrown frat boy who’d been poured into his father’s suit. His hair was blond and slicked back, his eyes gray and calculating.

We shook hands, and I quickly took my seat across from him at the conference table, scared that I’d lose it and crush him for having touched Ella, let alone abandoning her and the kids.

The hell with him. He didn’t deserve her, and he sure as hell didn’t deserve them.

He adjusted his suit coat, and I did the same, unbuttoning the bottom button. At least Denver had good, fast tailors.

“So what can I do for you, Mr. Gentry?” he asked.

“I understand you’re the youngest junior partner at your firm.”

“I am. Just graduated law school as a matter of fact.”

“Perks of having a dad with his name on the wall?” I asked, motioning to the firm’s name.

His smile fell. Jeffy-boy didn’t like having his silver spoon brought up. Guys like him were all the same—they’d had their cushy lives handed to them, and they despised any speed bump that kept them from the prize. God knew he’d run right over Ella.