Collision Course(33)
Author: S.C. Stephens

I adjusted in my seat uncomfortably as we both stared at each other silently. She sat back in her chair, absentmindedly flipping a pencil in her hands. She had strong looking hands. They matched her sturdy frame and solid looking bone structure. A delicate and tiny flower she was not. I could easily imagine her grabbing a plow and tilling one of those Irish hillsides.

Getting uneasy with the silence enfolding us, I coughed and looked around her office again. She finally spoke as she watched me assess my environment.

"Looking for an escape, Lucas?"

I shifted my attention back to her, noticing how often she’d already used my name, and wondering if that was some "counselor" technique to make us seem like we were old friends already. It might work better if I knew her name too. I shook my head, but didn’t answer her verbally.

She smiled warmly and extended her hand. Almost reading my thoughts, she said, "My name is Mrs. Ryans, but you can call me Beth."

Feeling strange, I grabbed her hand. Her grasp was as firm as I’d suspected it to be. I awkwardly shook it for a moment and gratefully pulled my hand back to my lap when she let go. She tilted her head as she assessed me and I couldn’t help but wonder what psychosis she’d already assigned to me. "Do you know why you’re here, Lucas?"

I sighed and looked at the ceiling, hating this already. "Because I was fuc…" I looked back down at the teacher-like person before me and shifted my coarse language, "…impaired…on school grounds."

Her lips twisted into a wry grin and I was pretty sure she knew exactly what I’d been going to say. "That’s what you did to get here. But why are you here, Lucas?"

I scrunched my brow, already lost. Why did therapist people feel the need to talk in circles? Couldn’t she just tell me I was a messed up waste of space and let me go? "I don’t understand…aren’t they the same?"

She smiled and softly shook her head. "No, not even remotely."

I scowled, still confused and shook my head too. "Well, you’re the one with the diplomas. Aren’t you supposed to tell me?"

She lifted a red eyebrow at me. "Do you want me to?"

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Are you going to do the ‘answer every question with a question’ thing?"

"Do you want me to do that, Lucas?" When I scowled again, she laughed a little and added, "That was a joke."

Surprise washed through me that she’d both laughed and teased me. I don’t know why. I guess I just expected all sternness and severity from a counselor. I found myself relaxing just a little bit and felt a small smile lighten my features.

Her face brightened considerably. "Ah, you do know how to smile. I was beginning to wonder." I looked down and shrugged my shoulders, trying to not be amused by her. Softly she added, "You seemed angry when you sat down. Why?"

I looked back up at her, not sure why she couldn’t guess that. I’d been caught doing something inappropriate, that wasn’t even my fault, and this was my punishment. Why would I be happy about any of that? A shot of true anger did sear through me then, as I remembered all that had transpired to get me here, in this office, talking to someone I didn’t want to talk to. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, anyone alive anyway. I scowled as I answered her. "I’m only here because the Safe and Sound club kicked me out, and I want back in. It makes me angry that I have to do this."

"Why?" She cocked her head at me, looking like she was truly fascinated by my answer. I wondered if that was another technique – feigned interest, she was probably prepping a grocery list in her head. That thought incensed my already revved up temper. I really did not want to be here.

"Because!" She only stared at my response and I floundered for a more substantive answer. "I mean, god, the club’s entire frickin’ motto is ‘because we care about you’." I flung my arms out, as I started to get myself really ticked off. "It’s supposed to be a club for troubled teens, who want to turn their life around…and they kicked me out!" Tears surprisingly came to my eyes as I truly for the first time thought about this. "Me, the one kid in this school that people look at like…like I’m a washed up, messed up, worthless piece of shit! The one most in need of help, the most messed up one here…and they won’t help me!" I brought my hands to my chest as I felt actual tears drop to my cheeks. "I want in…and they won’t take me. What does that say?" I threw my hands out again, embarrassed at my words and my tears, but also feeling relieved for getting that unknown hurt off my chest.

I expected her to tell me the school was right. I expected her to tell me I didn’t belong in that club. I expected her to berate me for my language. I expected her to recommend several different twelve step programs. What I never expected…was for her to say this:

"Well, Lucas…it kind of sounds hypocritical to me."

A rebuttal had been on my lips and it immediately fell off my tongue as my mouth dropped open. I realized then, that the tilt of her head was her truly listening to me, that that glint in her eye was her showing true concern for my well being. I stared at her, suddenly not seeing someone sent by fate to torture me even farther for my mistakes. For the first time ever…I saw a living human being that I could potentially talk to. I mean, really talk to. It terrified me. I swallowed and pushed the icy terror back. What I said or didn’t say, was still my choice.

Letting my momentary panic subside, I quietly answered, "Yeah…me too."

We talked about more mundane things for the rest of my time there – my relationship with my mom, my non-existent relationship with my father, what I liked to do, what I used to like to do, my plan for next year. She didn’t ask me about the crash. She didn’t ask me about the gossip that swirled around me. She didn’t ask about my relationship with Sawyer, or any other girl for that matter. She didn’t even ask me about the incident that got me in her office in the first place. After my emotional outburst, her questions were tame and easy to answer. As I stood to leave, I was a little surprised by the entire thing and relieved that I’d gotten through it, without making too big a jackass out of myself.

Only five weeks and four more days to go. Great.

I waited in the hallway outside of Safe and Sound club for Sawyer, my session not lasting as long as her meeting. I was deep in thought over my hour with Mrs. Ryans…Beth, when the door opened and kids started pouring out. I barely noticed the whispers and stares as I sat on the floor and waited for Sawyer to see me. Eventually all the kids left, and I could see Sawyer still in the classroom talking to Ms. Reynolds. She had her head down and was listening to Ms. Reynolds talk with a solemn expression on her face.

Ms. Reynolds reached down for her hand, but then surprisingly took her wrist instead. Sawyer’s head snapped up to look at her and she pulled back reflexively, an almost alarmed look on her face. I stood up, wondering if Sawyer was about to get into another fight, but this time with a teacher, a generally nice teacher. Sawyer started shaking her head at Ms. Reynolds, her face looking more and more frightened every second.

As I stepped through the door, Ms. Reynolds turned to look at me and dropped Sawyer’s arm. Sawyer looked back at me and smiled genuinely, although her face was almost sickly white. Scrunching my brows, I walked up to her side.

"Everything…okay here?" I asked, feeling odd at having to almost confront a teacher.

Ms. Reynolds gave me her warm, sympathetic teacher face. "Of course, Lucas." Her eyes flicked over to Sawyer’s then back to mine. "Sawyer and I were just having…a conversation." Before I could answer, her eyes brightened. "How was your session? I hear Mrs. Ryans is great, was she? Did everything go okay?"

Her questions came out in rapid succession and I had to focus on them so hard, that I momentarily forgot about the incident I’d walked in on. "Uh…it was…fine, I guess."

She put a hand on my shoulder. "Great! I’m so glad, Lucas." She patted my shoulder before nodding at Sawyer and then turning to leave the room.

I turned back to a still pale Sawyer. "Well, that was weird." Sawyer’s face was still a ghostly white shade as her eyes locked on the door Ms. Reynolds had just exited from. "Hey, you okay?"

She snapped out of her daze and lifted her eyes to mine. Some color returned to her as she flicked between my eyes. She gave me that wry smile I loved on her, the one that showed my favorite dimple. "Isn’t that my line?"

I laughed and slung my arm around her shoulders. "Apparently, not today."

She leaned into my body as we started walking from the room. "How did your meeting go?" she asked quietly.

Keeping my head straight, I flatly said, "It was fine."

She pulled back from me, slightly frowning. "Luc…"

I sighed and looked down at my feet shuffling along, crossing over the multiple cracks in the hallway tile. "Really, it was fine. Not great, not horrible…" I looked up at her and shrugged, "…just…fine."

She twisted her lips at me and then sunk back down against my body. "Okay…well, I’m glad it wasn’t horrible."

I leaned my head against hers and sighed. "Yeah, me too," I muttered into her black, silky hair. A faint scent of the lemon that filled her car hit my nose and I smiled – content, once again.

Sawyer was quiet on the ride home and I didn’t intrude on whatever she was thinking about. Myself, I chose to stare out the window and reflect on my own day as well. Besides the unfortunate teasing by Will in English, really, the encounter with Josh was the worst part of my day. Even my outburst with the counselor hadn’t trumped that moment. I sighed and thought again about Darren being disappointed in me, in the fact that I couldn’t save that friendship with his brother. Maybe I’d dream about him tonight and we could talk about it?

A hand across my leg snapped me out of my weird thought, and I looked over at Sawyer studying me. I blinked and looked around at my driveway. Apparently, we were here. I blushed and looked down at her hand on my thigh, wondering how long I’d been spacing out in her car.

Her fingers touched my cheek and I looked at her. "You okay?" she asked softly.

I grinned and shook my head at her. "You just had to get one in today, didn’t you?"

She grinned and then giggled a little. She let just one knuckle stroke my face before pulling her hand away. I cocked my head at her and watched her slightly almond shaped eyes watch me, neither one of us feeling the need to break the contact. I smiled and then nodded my head at the door. "I don’t suppose your parents would let you come in for a little bit?"

She twisted her lips before sighing softly. "No…I asked, but, they know you’re back in school, and don’t think I need…to be here." She shrugged unhappily and sighed again. I nodded and looked down, hating that her parents felt so strongly about me, when they’d never even met me.

Her fingers came back to my cheek and I looked up at her again. "It’s not you, Lucas." She frowned slightly. "Well, it’s mostly not you. Mostly it’s me…okay?"

I smiled again and leaned into her fingers, nodding, but not understanding. I still didn’t know what she’d done to so distraught her parents. She just didn’t seem that outrageous to me. She seemed well adjusted and responsible and wise beyond her years. A part of me wished her parents would just get over whatever had happened with that boy and start trusting her again. I briefly wondered if they disliked me, simply because I was also a boy. Maybe it had nothing to do with my reputation after all, although, I doubt that helped.