Eyes Wide Open (The Blackstone Affair #3)(23)
Author: Raine Miller

8

 Please give me the strength to do this, I prayed. All I could see was the way Ethan’s face looked before I shut the door. What was he thinking right now? He probably wished he’d never heard of me. I felt so ashamed and foolish. It didn’t change how I felt about him, though. I loved him the same as before. I just didn’t know how we would get through something like this and survive as a couple. How could we?

I turned on the faucet and drank about a gallon of water right from the tap, rinsed my mouth and washed my face. I looked like Frankenstein’s bride from the old black-and-white film. My eyes looked frightening, as wide as Elsa Lanchester’s were in that movie. I wanted to pretend this wasn’t happening, but I knew I couldn’t. Those are the thoughts of a child, and I’m not a child! I’m turning twenty-five in two months. How could a person make so many mistakes in twenty-five years?

I reached for a test package and opened it. My hands were shaking as I held the test stick with the key on the side in plain English. Minus sign for not pregnant and a plus sign for “You’re so pregnant, you irresponsible slut.” I felt that sensation again where my body seemed to want to float away. I closed my eyes and breathed, bringing myself to a place where I could go forward, and then I heard Ethan’s methodical voice softly through the door. He was on a call, talking through some of his work business, most likely. I stupidly wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. I was in here taking a pregnancy test and he was on the other side calmly going about his life. How in the hell could he even manage it?

I looked around my prison at the beautiful walls, and that’s when I saw it. A door. I don’t think they ever used it, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t be used. I didn’t think, I just did what I’d wanted to do when Zara had first made her comments to me.

I ran.

It felt like hardly any time had passed, but I found myself approaching the rocky shore we’d run along this morning and knew I’d been at it for a good while. The farther I ran, the guiltier I felt for leaving without a word. Ethan would be so hurt. Hurt? He’s going to be f**king angry! There would be hell to pay. I wondered if he even knew I’d taken off yet. I closed my eyes at the thought of him finding me gone and knew I needed to make contact. I remembered something he’d said to me a long time ago. It was when he asked me to pick my safe word. Ethan had told me it was for when I needed some space and that he would respect it. He had kept his promise the other time I used it on him.

Ethan was honest with me. I believed that he would keep his word so I sent him the text, silenced my phone, and kept on running. I don’t know what I hoped to accomplish, but the physical exertion helped me. Adrenaline needed to get burned off somehow, and this was something I could at least control.

I ended up at the end of the pier and right at the Sea Bird Café, where we’d eaten just hours before. How fast things can change in a day.

Ethan had told me, “Remember what I said to you, Brynne.” He’d repeated it several times. He wanted me to know he loved me. That was Ethan, always reassuring me when I got irrational. But this . . . It was just too much to consider, and I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t want to face the truth . . . but I knew I had to. Running around like a fool in a seaside village wasn’t going to help anything.

Pull yourself together, Bennett.

Well, that got me the strength to push inside the café doors. I walked up to the first employee I found and told her I’d eaten breakfast there that morning and thought I might have left my sunglasses in the loo. She waved me through and in I went.

I slipped the test stick out of my pocket and did my thing, very angry at myself for being in a public restroom instead of in the house with Ethan there waiting for me. Supporting me. His final words to me a very firm “Don’t forget.” Assuring in his way that he was there for me. I am so stupid.

I tried to hold in the sobbing I wanted to let out so badly, and didn’t even look at the indicator. I capped it and just shoved it back in my jeans pocket, washed my hands and bailed. I’d never felt so utterly weak and pathetic and lost. Well, yes you have. Seven years ago was much worse.

The warmth of the sun was starting to wane in the late afternoon and the wind had picked up, but I wasn’t cold. Nope. I was sweating as I followed the return path back the way Ethan had led me this morning. I knew where I wanted to go. I could sit there and think for a while . . . and then . . . What then? What would I do then?

The forest path was not as bright as it had been that morning and had definitely lost some of its fairy-tale quality, but I pushed on to my destination and hardly noticed. The metal gate latch opened just as it had before and clanged loudly behind me once I stepped through. I ran up the long gravel drive, kicking up small stones behind me as I plowed on. I hurried, somehow needing to see it again. I breathed a sigh of relief when the mermaid angel statue came into view. Yes. It was still there. I chastised myself for thinking it would be otherwise. It was real and not a figment of my mind. You are so losing it.

I sat right down at the foot of the statue and felt my heart pounding. It beat so hard I’m sure it moved the skin above it. I wasn’t dressed for running, but at least I had on shoes that worked.

I sat there for a long, long time.

The sea looked darker and more blue than it had that morning. The wind was sharper and a hint of rain could be found on the breeze. The smell was a good smell to me; earth and water and air all blended. The smell of life.

Life.

Did I have a little life starting inside me? Everyone seemed to think so. The idea of the three of them discussing me like some kind of lab rat still made me see red. Secrets again. Ethan knew I did not do secrets. I just cannot handle them and I doubt I would ever be able to. When I am the last to know things, even if they are small, it takes me right back to that moment when I first saw the video of me on that pool table being . . . f**ked like I was nothing but trash. Worthless. Ugly. So very ugly.

It’s my hang-up. My cross to bear. I hope there comes a day when I can close the lid on that Pandora’s box and keep it closed, but it’s not happened yet. Since meeting Ethan the lid has been knocked off several times.

It’s not his fault, though. I do know that much. It’s mine. I made choices like everyone does. I have to live with them. The old cliché “reap what you sow” makes a lot of sense, actually.

I wasn’t ready to look at the test yet. I just wasn’t. I guess it made me weak, but I don’t claim to be all together in the head. That’s Dr. Roswell’s job, and I’ve given the poor woman plenty to work with over the last years. She would have a field day with this news. I’d need a third job just to pay for the extra therapy.