Vampires Need Not…Apply? (Accidentally Yours #4)(18)
Author: Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

“You do not truly believe the tablet sought you out, do you?” Kinich asked.

Antonio took another sip. “I’ve thought to myself many times, Puta madre! I have lost my mind. But I cannot deny what I saw.

“I’d been in Tulum, Mexico, for a week with my companion, a lovely German woman named… caray. I cannot remember—Ute. Sí, Ute was her name. She was built like a swimsuit model and insatiable, but her incessant whining drove me mad. ‘Make love to me again, Antonio. You work too much, Antonio. You never spend enough time with me, Antonio.’Caray. It was too much; a man’s got to have a few hours of downtime. I grabbed my gear, took my map, and headed out in my Jeep. However, I think I already knew where I was going—to a dirt road in the middle of the jungle. That is when the engine died.”

“Let me guess. A strange redhead wearing pink appeared to you.”

Antonio felt the pressure in his head pull back. “How did you know?”

“Lucky guess,” Kinich said.

Lucky guess my pinche foot. “How did you know?”

Kinich cleared his throat. “That redheaded woman is my sister. She has a way of popping up like that.”

“Your sister?”

“Yes,” Kinich said, “and I’m going to bet she spoke of clowns, talked to a bug, and then directed you to the tablet?”

Sí. That is exactly right. How did he know? “I thought I’d dreamt the entire thing. The scuba diving, finding the tablet inside a cenote, the Jeep starting on its own. But when I woke up in my bed back in New York, I knew. It had been fate.”

Kinich chuckled. “Not Fate. Cimil. Fate doesn’t usually get her hands dirty with overly complicated jungle-based plots. This has Cimil written all over it.”

“How do you know all this?”

“I suppose”—Kinich paused—“there’s no harm in telling you. I’m going to have to wipe your memory before you leave anyway.”

“Excuse me?”

“I am a god,” the man said casually. “Well, I was a god.”

Yes. Of course you are… The man was clearly insane. Actually, this entire conversation had taken a trip to Salvador Dalí Land. Care for a f**king melted pocket watch anyone?

Antonio stood. It was time to get the hell out of there.

“Where are you going?” Kinich asked.

“My assistant is coming to help me translate notes. She’s probably waiting outside right now,” Antonio lied.

“Bullshit. She comes in the morning, and it’s eight o’clock at night,” Kinich said. “Tell me what Cimil said and then you may leave.”

Once again, Antonio felt an odd sensation pressing against his mind, pushing him to talk. “The redhead said that I was to study the tablet, decipher it, and unlock its secrets. If I did so, my destiny would be fulfilled.” He left out the part about finding his true love and happiness. Men simply didn’t say that sort of crap to other men.

“I see.” Antonio heard the man scratch his chin. From the sound of it, he hadn’t shaved in weeks.

“Then I believe this is what you must do—unlock the tablet’s secrets. Quickly.”

“How do you propose I accomplish this?” Antonio asked. “My most important tool happens to be out of commission, and it’s impossible to teach someone else to translate what they see in a meaningful way for me.”

“You still have your brain; you’ll figure it out. And if you do not, you will die.”

Santa Maria! He turned to leave, only to find two cold hands pushing him back into his seat.

“Relax. I told you that I am not going to kill you, it is forbidden to kill mortals who are not evil—kill them on purpose, anyway. But my brother and a very good friend are trapped inside another dimension. If they are not released, the Maaskab are prophesied to make the planet their personal playground of death and destruction.”

Maaskab? What the hell is that? And his brother is trapped? End of the world? “You are mad.”

“I speak the truth,” Kinich said with a low hypnotic voice.

“Sí. And my huevos are magical coconuts.”

“Your eggs?” the man questioned.

“Balls. My balls!”

“And you say I am insane? At least I do not believe my testicles are magical,” Kinich said.

What the…? “I’ve answered your questions. I’m leaving now.” He stood and beelined for the door, instantly slamming into a table. His body toppled over and his face smashed into a pile of whatever had been on top, including something made of glass. Something sharp.

“Puta madre!” Blood gushed from his cheek as his body tumbled.

A feral growl seeped into his ears. “You broke the vial. It smells so… so…”

Antonio felt the cool tickle of air move across his face as two sharp knives sank into his throat.

Chapter Diez

Two blocks from Helena’s building, Ixtab sighed with relief. She’d staggered into the alley and had found a worthy country-club member. He’d been passed out behind a Dumpster with one eye cracked open. That was enough for her to see his soul. Ah. Black aura. Bingo!

A few seconds longer and Ixtab would have been down for the count. But why had she filled up without touching anyone? And that damned taste in her mouth wouldn’t go away.

As she strolled down the sidewalk bustling with people heading out for their evening fun, her cell vibrated and then played the Death March. She dug it out from her enormous straw handbag—the one with plastic daisies on the outside and stuffed to the gills with Tic Tacs, a spare veil, and the knitted bootees she planned to gift wrap later.

“Hey, Penelope.”

“Any news?”

What should she say? If this situation was heartbreaking to watch from the sidelines, it had to be a thousand times worse for the stars of this drama. Gods, she wished she could simply fix Kinich. But she couldn’t. “I’m sorry. He’s still working on it. Just give him a few more days.”

“That’s what you said yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that.”

“That’s because he still goes monkey balls every time he smells your blood,” Ixtab explained.

“He won’t kill me, Ixtab. I know he won’t. He loves me too much. Maybe if we let him have a nibble?”

Patience, patience…

Oh, hell. I can’t hold it! “Would you like a wooden or a plastic barrel for your trip down Niagara Falls, today, Miss Evel Knievel?”