Professor Feelgood (Page 60)

I look down. When we’d started dancing, we were quite close, but now there’s a ton of space between us. Jake’s staring over my head, and judging by his expression, he still has some venting left to do.

“I thought I’d go to my grave being angry at you for that, but then, out of the blue, you messaged me about writing a book, and …” He takes a breath and looks down at me. “When I got that first message and saw your name, I almost threw my phone across the room.” I give him a questioning look. “I thought it was Jeremy screwing with me. He’s done it before. Created a whole Facebook profile pretending to be you. Sent me a ton of messages about how much you wanted to reconcile, just so he could see my reaction when he revealed it was bullshit.”

I shake my head in disbelief. I feel sick knowing that Jeremy’s cruelty didn’t end with high school. I hope that asshole gets what’s coming to him one day. And what’s more, I hope it’s Jake that gives it to him.

“That’s why you were so cautious.”

He nods. “I’d resigned myself to believing you were out of my life forever, but then …” He gets a pained look in his eyes. “I called, and you appeared on the screen, and … fuck, Asha. I thought I was having a heart attack. I wanted to feel happy to see you, but I wasn’t, because you weren’t reaching out to me because you missed me or wanted to make up for the past. You were contacting the professor. If you hadn’t stumbled onto him, you would have continued going about your life, not giving a shit if I lived or died.”

“That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it? When you asked about pitching a book, had every intention of saying no, because part of me didn’t want to deal with you. But …” He sighs. “I don’t have a college education like you do, Ash. I have no skills, no job. All I have is an unrequited passion for a woman who ruined me and a head full of words. So, when you offered me that book deal … I realized that was the only Cinderella moment I was going to get, and I would have been stupid not to take it. That advance money will set me up for life.”

“But you got other offers. Better ones. If you didn’t want to deal with me, you could have gone with someone else.”

“Believe me, I tried to take the logical option, but … I couldn’t. Money can’t buy everything.” His hand tightens around mine. “That night at the bar, you asked me why I gave up seven-hundred grand to work with you, and the truth is …” He smiles like his reasoning was ridiculous. “I thought that if there was any chance in hell we might get past our bullshit and go back to being friends, it would be worth it.” He clenches his jaw, and I can see the effort it’s taking for him to keep his emotions in check. He takes a few deep breaths, and I squeeze his shoulder as he holds his fraying edges together.

“And here’s the truly pathetic part. Over the past few years, I’ve had a shitty time. I tried to reconcile with my mom, but she wanted nothing to do with me. Then, the whole thing with Ingrid happened, and Dad’s drinking finally killed him.” He looks at me, and my chest constricts when I see wetness in his eyes. “There were days when I really needed a friend, Asha. My best friend. And fuck you for not being there. And fuck me for still needing you so much after all this time.”

By the time he’s finished, my heart is aching and my throat is tight. I try to stop the tears pooling in my eyes, but I can’t. He’s the same, so I take his hand and lead him behind the stage. It’s dark and deserted back here, so if either of us loses it, at least we’re away from prying eyes.

Jake leans back against the wall, and swipes the wetness from his cheeks. Seeing him like this … knowing I’m responsible … everything I’ve ever felt for him rises up, filling my chest and throat. I can’t remember the last time I felt so emotionally volatile. He’s always made me feel too much, but now it’s at a whole new level.

“Say something,” he says quietly. “Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you regret nothing and hate my guts. Just … say something.”

In romance novels, there comes a point when people have to speak the truth of what’s in their heart instead of dancing around it. That’s the thrilling part. The reason it’s so satisfying is because it rarely happens in real life. People don’t usually crack open their chests and wait for the other person to decide whether they want to skewer your heart or claim it. But that’s what Jake just did. He had the courage to lay it all on the line, and now, I have to do the same.

I take in a tight breath. “You’re not wrong. I regret everything, and I definitely don’t hate your guts.” My voice wavers, but I’m determined to keep going. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, Jake. I wish I was. There are days I would have given anything to have you in my corner again, and it’s ridiculous that it’s taken this long for us to admit we missed each other. I’ve missed you so much.” The pain in my chest is making it hard to talk. “None of it was your fault. It was all me. My choices ruined us.”

He shakes his head. “That’s not true. I did my fair share of ruining. I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me, and I never thought I succeeded until I read your journal tonight. Reading your words … that was … brutal. I know what it’s like to have to write your way through pain, because I do it all the time. And I hate that I was the cause of yours.”

I can’t look at his face. It’s hard enough to dredge up these truths without witnessing how much damage they’ve done. But he’s right about us both writing for the same reason. We were both mourning the loss of our soul mates, I just didn’t realize it at the time.

For our entire friendship, Jake treated me like a sister, and at first I treated him like a brother. But as we got older, deep down, I knew I felt more. I just didn’t have a name for it back then.

I mean, no one expects to meet their soul mate when they’re three, but I did. And then life taught me that the people who were important to me would leave, and those I loved with all my heart would die. It gave me the gift of Jake then whispered that loving him would end him. Or me. Or both of us. And the bitterest irony is that by trying to protect myself from that, I made it happen.

From watching Mom and Dad’s relationship, I learned that meeting your soul mate isn’t enough. Knowing that someone should be yours doesn’t make it happen, and Mom made it obvious that having them and losing them was worse than not having them at all. And so I never told Jake how I felt. Even though he loved me, I knew it wasn’t the same way I loved him, and I couldn’t stand the thought of him ruining me like Dad ruined Mom.

But how do you protect yourself from the person who was born with an all-access pass to your heart? How do you keep them at a safe distance so they don’t become your everything? In my case, you date his reviled step-brother, and then, when he feels so betrayed he destroys your friendship, you convince yourself it was his fault all along.

Trying to keep myself together, I do my best to look at him. I’ve never admitted these things to anyone, and I’m so deeply ashamed, I can barely breathe.

“I was the one who screwed up, Jake. I’m sorry for hurting you. For choosing Jeremy. For leaving you behind. For blaming you for everything.” I wipe my nose. “Fuck, I’m a terrible person. No wonder I was terrified of you leaving me. Why the hell would you want to stay?”