Professor Feelgood (Page 61)

“Asha …” He strokes my back, and I’ve missed him comforting me so much, it takes all my energy to stop myself from crumbling. “You’re an idiot. I would never have left. You were my family.”

“And you were my whole world. And because I screwed everything up, I’ve spent a lot of years building another world without you in it. And it sucks.”

I can’t hold the tears in any longer. It hurts too much. And when he wraps his arms around me and squeezes me just like he used to, it makes me cry even harder.

This is the biggest truth I’ve kept buried for so long. My endless quest for love had nothing to do with romance, or sex, or some stupid checklist. The only thing I’ve been searching for in all the men I’ve dated is this feeling of absolute rightness that I have with Jake. The bliss of being in his arms is both hypnotizing and terrifying, because even though one part of me never wants it to end, I know it will, and I haven’t learned to silence the inner voice that warns me to get out before it does.

I wrap my arms around his neck, and then his head is on my shoulder, his breath hot on my skin. “I’m sorry,” I say, pulling him as close as I can. I keep repeating it, just in case he doesn’t understand. Because him not forgiving me is not an option. My heart is pounding so fast, I feel like it’s going to explode. I feel like the little pockets of darkness I’ve been carrying around for most of my life have evaporated, and the buzz of grief and loss isn’t ringing in my ears anymore. Instead, it’s the electrical storm of having Jake’s body pressed against mine.

“Fuck, I’ve missed you,” he whispers, his voice strained. He pulls back a little, just enough that his cheek is pressed to mine. “I’ve missed you for years.”

I don’t remember sliding my fingers into his hair, but I must have, because suddenly his mouth is a breath away from mine, and I can’t stop wondering how he would taste.

He stares back, a pained expression on his face.

This is new for us. We don’t do this. The one time our lips met on prom night, it was so brief I barely felt it. Now, I desperately want him to kiss me, but it’s like we’ve just walked from a room labeled ‘enemies’ into one named ‘friends’, and all the doors are locked and the windows are nailed shut. There’s no path to ‘lovers’. And even if there were, it would be stupid for us to go there.

“Ash … I ––”

His nose brushes mine, and I close my eyes and inhale. God, I want to kiss him, but I can’t. This isn’t real. He doesn’t want me. He’s just relieved our feud is over, and that’s manifesting into whatever his hands are now doing as they graze over my body.

“Asha …” He sounds like he’s in pain. When he pulls me against him, I can see why. There’s no way to misinterpret his body’s reaction. I can feel him, hard and long against my stomach, and my mind explodes. The intense attraction I’ve felt up until now has just become exponentially more problematic. I have to get out of here. Letting myself feel him like this is insane. The only thing taking this further will achieve is to make me want things he can’t give.

In contradiction to everything my body is telling me to do, I pull myself out of Jake’s arms and step back. He stands there, only a foot away, breathing heavily and looking confused.

“Asha …” I don’t know what he’s reading on my face, but it makes him look at me with a kind of longing I’ve never seen before. “That was ––”

A mistake.

“It was just us getting caught up in the moment.” I can still feel his body heat lingering on my skin. “We just had an emotional outpouring and … the … other stuff was a side-effect. Right?”

He brushes his fingers across his lips like he’s wiping them free of sensation. “Is that what you want to call it? A side-effect?”

“Jake …” I sigh. “That’s what it needs to be. We’ve just untangled ourselves from years of heartache. Do you really want to go down a road that could land us there again? Not to mention, the only reason we reconnected was because of your heart-wrenching poetry about a woman you’re obviously still hung up on. I’m not interested in being anyone’s rebound.”

He runs his fingers through his hair, still seeming shell-shocked. “And even if we remove Ingrid from the equation, let’s not forget you have a boyfriend.”

There’s an edge to his tone, as if he could tell that for the few minutes he was wrapped around me, Derek ceased to exist.

“All good reasons for us to keep our distance,” I say as I take a step back, still feeling an irresistible urge to go to him. “The main thing is, we’re back to being friends, and that’s … amazing. It’s what we both want. Anything else could destroy us all over again.”

No friendship in the world is immune to the fallout of a sexual fling gone wrong. Certainly not one as fragile as ours.

Jake sighs so deeply, his shoulders drop. “You’re right. The goal was to be friends again, so …” He exhales. “Let’s do that. Close, platonic… friends.” He looks at me. “Have I mentioned how much I missed you?”

I smile. “You have. And the feeling is entirely mutual.” I glance over at the curtain we pushed through to get back here. “So …” I gesture with my head. “Shall we?”

He shoves his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, you go. I’m completely on board with our friends plan, but parts of my body aren’t, so … I’m going to need a minute.”

I don’t mean to look at his crotch, it just happens. And as fast as I look away, it’s not quick enough for the long line of him pressing against his pants to not be seared into my brain.

“Okay,” I say, smoothing down my dress. “I’ll see you back out there, friend.”

“Uh huh.”

Even when I turn away, I can feel the heat of him watching me leave.

_______________

I don’t retreat into the ladies’ room just because I’m feeling conflicted after my time with Jake. It’s also to ensure that after my session of ugly crying, I don’t have anything disgusting smeared across my face that would horrify fellow party-goers.

At least I learned my lesson from my day from hell earlier in the week and invested in waterproof eye products. My face is puffy, and my eyes are red, but at least I’m not goth girl.

I hear the door open, and when I look up from washing my hands, I see Eden standing behind me.

“What’s up with you and Jake?”

My heart skips several thousand beats. “What? Nothing. Why?”

Did she see us? Or maybe someone else did and squealed?

“Damn, settle down,” she says, passing me some paper towels. “I just mean when I saw you on the dance floor, it looked like you were having words. Is everything alright? Did he upset you? Do I need to hit him with my shoe?”

I dry my hands and let my panic deflate. “He upset me, but I deserved it. We actually sorted some stuff out.”

She crosses her arms and gives me a look of surprise. “Really?”

“Yep.” I throw the towels in the trash. “We’re going to try being … uh … friends, again.” Even saying it feels weird.

“Huh. And yet, there wasn’t anything on tonight’s weather report about hell freezing over. Weird.”