If Forever Comes (Take This Regret #2)(12)
Author: A.L. Jackson

“You know I would if I could.”

Elizabeth grasped my wrist, pressed my palm to her face as if it were her lifeline. “I know you would.”

She held me there for the longest time, the air between us full, both alive and subdued, a quiet comfort we fell into. Her eyes dimmed before they fell closed. “I’m so tired,” she admitted.

“Come here.” I shifted and leaned up against the tub, my legs stretched out in front of me. I cringed a little when my bare back met the cold porcelain surface. A shiver slipped down my spine, but I shook it off and pulled Elizabeth to me. She curled into my side and rested her head on my chest, nuzzled and nestled until she found a comfortable spot.

I wrapped her in my arms. Her skin was cool to the touch, clammy, sticky with sweat.

I brought my mouth to the top of her head and kissed her there, murmured out a promise I’d be sure to keep. “You’re going to be okay, Elizabeth.”

She snuggled deeper and turned just enough to place a tender kiss to the center of my chest. “Only because you’re here.”

Chapter 5

Present Day, Late September

The door quietly latched shut behind me, and I slumped against it for support as I squeezed my eyes closed, praying…praying for it to end.

I didn’t know how much longer I could do this. Didn’t know how much more I could take.

I fought the weakness that trembled my knees, because I didn’t want to be this woman. I hated her. I didn’t recognize her.

But I didn’t know how to make her go away.

My stomach curled. Nausea spun through my gut the same way it did every time I saw Christian’s face, a tumultuous chaos that wracked my senses, confused and clouded the truth that was lost somewhere inside me.

It was visceral. A reaction I couldn’t stop. Each morning I begged for this to be the day when I opened the door and I would recognize myself. The day I would recognize Christian as the man I loved.

That I’d want him.

No one understood how desperately I wanted to.

None of them understood the way I really felt.

Clutching my chest, I gulped for air, begging for anything that would deaden this unyielding pain suffocating me from the inside out. Unbearable agony pressed and crushed, cutting deeper into the places where my life had been snubbed out, infiltrating the crevices of darkness where the light had been ripped from my soul.

It was blinding.

Excruciating.

Malignant.

And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Hot, angry tears burned under my lids. Uncontrollably they fell, streaming from the creases of my pinched eyes. I lifted my face toward the ceiling, my head digging into the hard wood. I cried out, letting the pain that festered within me rip up my throat. I expelled my misery into the silence of the hollowed-out walls of this house. But the relentless desolation only echoed back the memories of what used to be my home. Those memories swallowed me whole.

At my chest, I fisted my hands in the shirt I’d worn for the last three days. “Help me,” I whimpered.

But there was nothing that could save me. Nothing that could turn back time. Nothing that could give me back what I had lost.

Hopelessness had become my only partner.

I staggered out into the middle of the small family room where a week’s worth of unfolded laundry was piled on the couch. There were so many good memories here. This tiny room was where Christian and I had found each other again. For months, it was here that we’d sat as we played with our daughter, as I’d slowly come to the realization that I had to have him a part of our lives. Part of my life.

How could I not see him in it now?

Something within me had been erased. Obliterated. Because I knew I loved him. I just couldn’t feel it anymore.

Every time I witnessed the worry lining his face, it brought it all rushing back, and the only thing I wanted was to block it all out.

And I was so angry, so angry with him, and yet I didn’t even know why.

I crammed my fists in my eyes, trying to push the mess of emotions that had surfaced back into the place where they belonged. Hidden.

Frantically wiping away my tears, I drew in a ragged breath. I grabbed onto the railing to hold myself upright as I staggered upstairs. I fell face-down into the unmade bed that Christian and I were supposed to share. I buried my face in the pillow and exhaled the air from my lungs as I wrapped my arms tightly around it.

I hated that I almost felt relieved. I loved my little girl so much, but forcing myself to find the energy to take care of her was the most difficult task I’d ever faced. I just wanted to sleep, and when she was at school or with Christian, that’s what I did.

Deafening silence resounded in the room. I squeezed my eyes tighter, giving into the darkness that had somehow become my life.

Chapter 6

March, Six Months Earlier

“Come here, you,” Christian said as he reached for my hand. Night had fallen. Flames licked up, glowed and danced from the fireplace in the corner of the small family room, keeping out the slight chill that had taken hold outside. We’d tucked Lizzie in an hour earlier, and our daughter slept soundly upstairs. Christian was lying across the couch, and he tugged me down to him. I giggled as I crashed against his firm chest. He wrapped me in the security of his arms, and I snuggled into his warmth.

Gently he kissed the top of my head. His smile was uncontained as he nudged me up and kissed my nose. “You’re on your feet too much,” he scolded in the sweetest way. “You amaze me. Do you know that?”

Affection vibrated through my being.

It was he who amazed me.

I’d never felt more adored, more cherished, more loved.

Nonstop, Christian had taken care of me during the last few months. They’d been rough. Just like with Lizzie, sickness had gripped me morning and night. With his support, I’d done my best to get through it. I’d still taken care of my daughter and had continued to work at the bank, although I’d called in sick more times than I’d actually gone in.

But unlike with Lizzie, my sickness had slowly begun to fade once I hit the twelve-week mark.

Settling closer to him, I slipped between his side and the back of the couch. I rested my head in the crook of his shoulder. A contented sigh worked its way from me, and Christian hugged me a little tighter.

“How are you feeling tonight?” he murmured against my forehead.

“Good,” I answered in all honesty. Well maybe not completely honest, because I didn’t think I’d ever felt better than I did then. Maybe it was because I was so happy.