Take This Regret (Take This Regret #1)(5)
Author: A.L. Jackson

Thankful y, Claire interrupted and changed the subject with smal talk of their travel plans for the summer. She seemed irritated by her husband this evening, her smile tight and no real light coming from her blue eyes. Normal y, she remained mostly quiet during family conversations, sipping from a glass of wine and nodding agreement with whatever Richard said to their son. Tonight though, she seemed anxious as if she would explode if Richard uttered one more word about Christian’s future. Christian watched his mom from across the table and wondered about her happiness. He wondered if in all the years he had thought her perfectly content in her huge house and endless social gatherings she was ever real y happy at all , because when he real y looked hard, he saw no true joy in her face.

Christian couldn’t even remember the last real conversation he’d had with his mother, so he smiled at the stories his mother told. Her face took on a new vibrancy as she talked of him as a child, and he relaxed into his chair, no longer guarded, until his mother asked a question he hadn’t been prepared to answer. “What happened with that girl you were dating? What was her name . . . Elizabeth?” Christian felt himself tense and his shame return, but he found himself answering her because he needed to tel somebody. Looking at his plate, he muttered, “We broke up.”

“Oh?” his mother asked, as if she expected further explanation, one she would be shocked to hear, but even more shocking was he wanted to tel her.

He lifted his eyes to hers and spoke, even though it was choppy and reeked of confession. “She’s having a baby.”

Almost simultaneously, his parents dropped their utensils to the table, staring as they waited for him to clarify.

“She told me in the fal . I told her I didn’t want it . . . so she left. I haven’t talked to her since.” Christian tried to maintain eye contact with his mother as he said these things but had to look away when he saw the disappointment race across her face.

Her voice shook, but was still the strongest he’d ever heard. “Christian,” she demanded, “How could you treat someone . . .”

Richard’s rant cut off Claire as Christian’s father spouted words about irresponsibility and money and tarnished reputations. Only Christian noticed when his mother stood and ran from the table.

The ride home from the restaurant was tense and silent.

Christian’s mother had left the table right after his admission. For the twenty minutes she was away, Christian was scolded by his father. When she’d returned, it was obvious she’d been crying, her makeup smudged and her eyes red. After she had taken her seat, no one had spoken a word nor had they since.

The driver pulled up in front of Christian’s building, and Richard made no move, though his mother exited the car and hugged Christian in a way she hadn’t for many, many years. When she pulled away, her face was wet with tears again, and her hand trembled as she raised it to touch his cheek. “Make this right.” He hadn’t expected this encouragement, and it left him confused as he watched her take her place in the backseat of the Town Car. He stared at their tail ights as they drove away and disappeared into the night.

Christian hung his head as he made his way to his apartment, knowing what his mom said was true. He could make this right, but he also knew he would probably never be brave enough to do it.

Once upstairs Christian changed and then walked to the building next to his own to join the people he could barely consider friends, as they celebrated their graduation the best way they knew how. The music was loud and the apartment cramped, the room almost alive with the movement of people who considered this one of the best days of their lives.

Christian never felt worse.

With a platinum blonde on his lap, he sat on the couch, draining his sixth beer and wondering what the hel he was doing there. The crowd had become rowdy and obnoxious, and Christian wanted nothing more than to escape from it all . He just had no idea where he wanted to go.

He shut his eyes and pretended he didn’t hear the loud, drunken voice of Nathan, a guy he could hardly stand when he was sober, let alone after he’d consumed half his weight in alcohol. But he couldn’t ignore it when Nathan slapped him on the back, his booming voice slurred with laughter as he shouted, “I hear congratulations are in order for the proud papa.”

Christian felt all the blood drain from his face, leaving him lightheaded, barely able to force out, “What?” Nathan cackled as if nothing had ever been more entertaining to him. “What? Didn’t you hear, man? You became a daddy this morning.”

Christian stood and pushed the giggling girl from his lap. He’d never hated himself more. How could he have done this? He loved Elizabeth, didn’t he? But people didn’t do things like this to people they loved.

He vomited just outside the door in the hal way—not from the alcohol he’d consumed, but from the disgust he found within himself. He stumbled home and into bed, praying he would fal asleep and awake with all of his regret gone.

But sleep never came, and he lay, staring at the ceiling, unable to wil his mind to stop long enough to find rest. At four o’clock, he gave up and got out of bed, still wearing wrinkled jeans and a T-shirt that smel ed like beer.

Putting on a discarded Columbia sweatshirt from the floor, he walked. Obviously, he knew where he was going, though he wouldn’t all ow himself to consciously think it.

He entered through the emergency room entrance because all the other doors had been locked for the night.

When he arrived on the maternity floor, a nurse stopped him. Visiting hours didn’t start for another three hours, but when he explained he was a father and showed his ID, the woman all owed him through.

He gathered all his courage and pushed forward, preparing to admit to Elizabeth he was wrong. He would tel her that he was sorry, that he would take it all back if he could. He was prepared to beg for the forgiveness he knew he didn’t deserve. But what he wasn’t prepared for was finding Matthew with his back to him, sitting in a chair, and gently caressing Elizabeth’s face while she slept.

Christian froze when he realized he was too late; he’d done too much harm. He stood silently and watched the man who was only supposed to be her friend sit in the spot where he should have been. He watched Matthew adoring the girl who deserved every touch and embrace, the girl who deserved a man better than he knew himself to be.

She deserved a man like Matthew who had stepped up and fil ed the place Christian should never have stepped away from.