Christian (The Mitchell/Healy Family #3)(15)
Author: Jennifer Foor

Once we were in his apartment with the door shut, he pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head. “Sorry you had a bad day.”

“Is it okay to hate myself?”

“It’s not okay, and I’ll tell you why.” He sat us down on his bed before continuing. “You’re smart, and somewhat sexy, probably a little more than somewhat, but whose judgin’?”

I shoved him down flat on the bed, immediately feeling a rush of anxiousness. He must have seen how I responded and sat back up abruptly. “Be nice to me.”

“I’m always nice to you, Chris. I only pick on you because I love ya.”

We said those words a lot, but they weren’t romantic. Our friendship was special, and we loved each other as friends, so I reminded myself on a daily basis. It was hard after being in real love with the guy. I wished things were different. Even after sleeping with Seth my heart would always defer to Ethan. He knew me like no other could, and for that I’d forever care about him.

When Ethan got up and held out his hand I was a little confused. “We just got here.”

“I’m gettin’ a shower. Come with me.”

I gave him the stink eye. “No way. I’m not goin’ to divulge details, but I can’t get a shower with you. I refuse to be that girl.”

“Jesus, Chris, I ain’t askin’ you to put out. Share some water with me. Save the environment one gallon at a time. I’ve seen you naked, and you’ve seen what God graced me with. Stop bein’ a prude. You need my attention, and I need a shower.”

I slowly got up and followed him into the bathroom. Even though I knew we weren’t going to do anything, it was still hard for me to imagine that I’d be naked in front of two different men in a matter of only a few hours.

From the moment the water hit my body I felt a rush of relief. Ethan kept his distance shampooing his hair, while I stood there hoping the water would wash away all of the bad. With my eyes closed I got startled when two warm hands touched my shoulders. He pulled me close, running the bar of soap over my neck. Instead of letting him continue, I placed my head against his chest and started to bawl. “Don’t cry, Chris. You’re safe.”

“I’m ashamed of what I’ve done. It’s so easy for you to make friends. All I wanted was attention. I wanted to know what it felt liked to be wanted.”

He backed away and lifted my chin, forcing me to look up at him. “I tell you I want you all the time.”

“That’s not what I mean. You and I are… I don’t even know what you’d call it. This was different. He was interested, really interested in spendin’ time with me. I thought I had a chance. I believed that my life was goin’ to change. He’d introduce to me his friends, and I’d finally be able to walk across that damn campus with a smile on my face because I’d know people.”

“You didn’t? Please tell me you didn’t screw that douche for popularity?”

He knew me so well. I looked down feeling utterly disgusted in myself. “It doesn’t even matter.”

My chin was being lifted again, and I knew I had to look him in the eye and face the consequences. “Don’t you get it? Don’t you see how special you already are?”

I pulled out of his hold and leaned against the shower wall. My knees were too weak to stand up on my own. Admitting that I’d stooped to a whole new level in order to be accepted was harsh. “I didn’t just let him in my room and drop my panties, if that’s what you think.”

He leaned against the opposite side and crossed his arms. For a second I thought about how comfortable we were with each other, and how neither of us was staring at our obvious exposed body parts. “I’d hope not, since you made me wait for years to get some.”

“That’s different! Besides, I’d hardly call it years. After our first kiss it was pretty fast.” I snapped. “Don’t compare the two.”

“Why? Because if your time with me was more special you might as well start prayin’ for forgiveness for your lies.”

“It was,” I whispered as another bout of emotions washed over me. Ethan was giving me shit and I didn’t understand why. He’d slept with other girls, and been the one to make it clear we were only friends. “Why are you bein’ like this? You had a girl here tonight, but that’s okay?”

He let out an air-filled laugh. “Forget it, Christian.”

Hearing him say my whole name gave me butterflies. He never said that unless it was important. When Ethan began walking out of the shower I caught his arm. “Please don’t be mad at me. You’re all I have.”

His brows remained furrowed, and I could have sworn that he was hurt, even though I knew he’d tell me if he was. “I’ll sleep on the couch, you can have the bed.” It was the only words out of his mouth as he exited the bathroom, leaving me vulnerable and alone.

I’d often wondered what made women break in movies and sink down to the shower floor, but as my butt hit the cold tile I finally understood their pain. Even though I could say that Seth was handsome, interesting, and someone I’d totally date, I’d made a terrible mistake, not once but twice.

Ethan left me to suffer in my own pool of misery, not coming in to check on me like I expected him to. It was obvious he was angry at me for my choices, but couldn’t see how it was any different from how he made me feel when he was with one of his easy lays. I was just as human as him, and obviously nowhere near perfect. We all had skeletons in our closet, and if that was the only terrible mistake I made in my life it wasn’t that horrible anyway.

I took my time finishing up in the shower. Between my sobs and the fact that even my safe place wasn’t enough, I thought about going back to my house. Sure, there’d be questions and whispers behind my back, but it had to be better than looking in Ethan’s eyes and seeing nothing. It was another cold reminder of how much that love I had for him still existed, even though I promised it wouldn’t. The truth was that being best friends with him was one-sided. I longed for more, but knew it would never happen, so settling was the only answer, no matter how undignified it was to live with.

Chapter 10

Christian

His bed smelled of him, even though he wasn’t in it. I curled my body, hugging my knees while my sniffles finally settled. Ethan was just in the next room, albeit I didn’t dare seek him out. Whether he was pissed or just plain disappointed, I couldn’t face him. The best thing for me was punishing myself until regret was all that remained.