Christian (The Mitchell/Healy Family #3)(44)
Author: Jennifer Foor

The doctor looked to her paperwork before asking me the daunting questions that she was required to ask every new patient.

“Tell me how you’re feeling today, Christian. What was it like for you when you woke up this morning?”

This was an easy question, and I immediately felt less uncomfortable since she wasn’t jumping right into my attack. “Well for starters I woke up on the ranch. I could hear the sounds of the birds and nature. The smell of bacon and coffee filled the room. I felt at home. I felt safe,” I explained.

“Good.” She wrote down something. “How did you feel about coming to see me?”

“Reluctant. Worried. Afraid.”

“Can you tell me what you’re afraid of specifically?”

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to go over the details again. I had to tell my best friend, my family, and everyone at the hospital. I know it’s helpin’, but it makes me uneasy. I want to forget that it happened, not keep it fresh in my mind.”

“What if I told you that you’ll never be able to forget? How would that make you feel?”

“Angry.”

She seemed intrigued by my answer as she made another notation. “Angry with me or -?”

I cut her off. “Not you. Angry with life. Maybe with God. Just angry in general. It’s not fair. Why do I have to live that moment forever? What did I ever do to deserve that to happen to me?”

“That’s a good question. The answer is nothing. You’re a victim.”

“If I’m never goin’ to forget, how do you expect me to heal? I don’t see it bein’ feasible.”

“It takes time, acceptance, and even forgiveness in some cases.”

“I’ll never forgive the person that did this to me.”

“You have to forgive yourself, Christian.” It was easy for her say. I didn’t exactly understand what she meant, to be honest. I hadn’t done anything wrong, except for sleeping with Seth. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t know if I’d ever forgive myself for that.

When I didn’t respond she took it upon herself to ask another question. “How do you feel about yourself?”

“Today, or in general?”

“Both. How would you describe yourself before all of this happened, and then now.”

After she explained I took a deep breath and thought for a second on how I’d answer. All of my life I had to overcome obstacles just to fit in. I’d never felt like I did, which made me even more awkward. If it wasn’t for Ethan, I don’t know how I would have survived high school. In fact, I didn’t know how I would have gotten through anything.

“Weak. I’ve always been weak.”

She jotted something down. “How so?”

“Well, for as long as I can remember I’ve been an outcast. No matter what was happenin’ I never seemed to fit in. I was never cool enough. My clothes were never the right style. I didn’t like the same things as the other kids. I wasn’t as pretty as the other girls.”

“You’re basing your answer on how you assume people think about you. Styles change, children grow up to be adults. What’s cool one day isn’t the next.”

“I’m weak because I can’t seem to find my in. It’s that exact reason that landed me here today.”

“I see.” The doctor tapped her pen on her cheek as she thought. “So today you feel weak as well?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Has anyone ever told you that life was what you make of it?”

“Sure. People say a lot of things to make me feel better.”

“It’s the truth. In order to get past your demons, and what happened to you, it’s important that you learn to love yourself. You have to love that you’re different, eccentric is a better word. I don’t know much about you, which will change in time, but from what I can tell you’re beautiful, intelligent, and looking for something you already have.”

“Which is what?”

“That’s for you to figure out. Until we meet again next week I’d like you to start a journal. Each night I’d like for you to write ten things you did that made you happy. It doesn’t matter if it was in the past or something you’ve just experienced. Underneath the ten items I’d like you to write about two things that make you sad. We’ll go over everything at our next appointment.”

I don’t know what I expected out of my doctor’s visit. I certainly didn’t think I’d walk out of there feeling confused. Despite feeling overwhelmed, I picked up a journal and promised myself that I’d write in it.

That night before bed, after another full day and no word from Ethan, I sat down on my bed and wrote down the ten things that I was happy about.

Things that make me happy:

1. My mom and dad. I’d been blessed with two parents that would do anything for me.

2. My siblings. Like my parents I knew I could count on them always being around.

3. My huge extended family. My cousins were annoying at times, but I was lucky enough to have a bunch of them. Some people didn’t get to have the kind of holidays that the Mitchell-Healy clan did.

4. My first horse. There were many times that I spent my day out in the woods with him. Up until the day he died he’d only brought me joy.

5. Getting good grades. Of course that made me and my parents happy.

6. My ability to care for others. Each year I volunteered at local soup kitchens and homeless facilities. Helping people made me happy.

7. My eyes. Even though I always felt awkward, people loved my eyes. It never got old hearing how beautiful they were.

8. The ranch. It represented home. Nothing could make a girl happier than the safest place on earth.

9. My gram’s smile. No matter how sad I felt, she’d always cheer me up with only a smile, and maybe an occasional cookie.

When I got to ten it felt like my whole world was crashing down on me.

10. My best friend Ethan.

Things that make me sad.

1. My attack

2. Losing my best friend Ethan.

I stared at the piece of paper, realizing that my two sad things didn’t involve me fitting in with my peers. I read over the list, thinking of a bunch of other happy moments I’d missed. I began to smile, thinking about all of my firsts with Ethan, and even though I couldn’t change the past, there were still a lot of firsts that hadn’t been done yet.

I had hope.

It wasn’t pertaining to the attack, but more about having a new future. It was going to be a long road, I wasn’t an idiot. I’d probably never forget that night in the abandoned house with Seth, but I’d survived, and that was also something I should be happy about.