Christian (The Mitchell/Healy Family #3)(47)
Author: Jennifer Foor

I grabbed the paper off the nightstand and wrote down my number. “If you change your mind, here’s my cell.”

I had to get out of there. After everything, she wasn’t goin’ to help me. All she’d given me was hope, just to tear me back down again. This guy was a real piece of work. He had everyone thinking he was such a nice guy, when in fact he was the damn devil.

The sun was coming up when I headed out to my car. As tired as I was, my mind was fixed on one thing. Though we’d never gone this long without talking, I hoped she’d at least take my call.

As I scrolled down to find her name, I made a new pact to myself that no matter what she said I wouldn’t give up. I was nothing without her in my life, and it was time she knew the truth.

Chapter 29

Christian

I’d gone weeks without a single returned call from Ethan. As much as I hated admitting it, worrying about losing him was helping me cope with everything else. I also needed to thank my psychiatrist. After the first two visits I could feel things changing for me. There was a long road ahead, but I felt more determined than I’d ever been. She was also helping me accept the things I couldn’t change. I needed to love myself before I could begin to heal.

My parents were overprotective at first, driving me to my appointments, and waiting on me hand and foot. I tried to explain to them that I wasn’t fragile. I wouldn’t shatter if I fell down, though they still insisted.

Driving to my next appointment made it seem like I was gaining some of my independence back. I made sure to obey all of the road signs, and speed limits, always checking my mirrors, for not only incoming traffic, but also the chance that my attacker was hiding out in my parent’s backseat.

Yes, I had a long road ahead of me. Accepting that was the biggest challenge so far.

When I arrived in the parking lot I checked outside of my vehicle several times before unlocking the door and climbing out. I knew I was being overly cautious, and maybe even taking a step backwards, but I’d rather look like a mental patient than be assaulted again. Cautious people were always aware of their surroundings. They made sure they were out of harm’s way.

Last week the doctor and I discussed carrying pepper spray and possibly taking a self-defense class. I felt like if I’d been able to defend myself in any way I would have been able to fight him off and run.

Since I arrived on time I was sent right in to meet with the doctor. She was sitting at her desk writing in a folder. As soon as she spotted me strolling in, she stopped to greet me. “Good afternoon, Christian. How’s my favorite southern girl feeling today?”

I liked how she treated me like a friend. I’m sure she was trained to know how to handle each case. For me, the personal connection was important. I needed to feel like I could trust her. After all, I was telling her all of my secrets, some of which I would never want my parents knowing about.

“I’m doing okay, maybe even good. I have moments.”

“That’s understandable. Did you bring your list for the week?” She asked.

I nodded and reached inside my purse, pulling out the journal.

“Things that make me happy:

Pancakes in the mornin’.

Lyin’ under a willow tree and listenin’ to nature.

Dreamin’ of makin’ love in the rain.

Learnin’ how to make my Gram’s apple pie.

Swimmin’ with my cousin’s at their pond.

Watchin’ my brother lovin’ all over his fiancée.

Hearin’ that my sister is comin’ home from rehab.

Watchin’ those romance channels where you cry because it’s so beautiful.

Going to church and hearin’ my momma sing her heart out.

Daydreamin’ about a life where Ethan and I are married and happy.”

“Things I don’t like:

Seein’ my mother cry.

Not hearing from my best friend for weeks.”

I put my head down when I finished, knowing she was going to ask a ton of questions that I may or may not be ready for.

“I would like to discuss Ethan. Would that be okay?”

I shrugged. “I guess. There’s really nothin’ to tell. I don’t even think we’re friends anymore.” It hurt to admit that, especially after being friends for so long.

“You care deeply for this man, yet you say he hasn’t contacted you. What happened?”

I twiddled my fingers, focusing on them moving as I spoke, as if it shut my emotions off. “We had a fight.”

“What did you fight about?”

This was already getting annoying. We weren’t talking. End of story.

“In high school we made this pact. It’s probably stupid, but we promised to share every single first with each other. Ethan was my first kiss. He was the first person that I had sex with. You get the idea. Anyway, when I went out with Seth we messed around in a movie theater. He recorded me givin’ him oral and sent it to Ethan. I didn’t think it mattered. He’d been sleepin’ with other girls since we entered college, and clearly didn’t have any intentions of bein’ with me as a couple. He’d made that blatantly clear.”

“He said he didn’t want to be with you?”

“Actually, he said that it would ruin our friendship and I meant too much for that to happen.”

“And you don’t believe him?” I was beginning to feel uncomfortable talking about Ethan. My heart ached for the empty spot where he’d always been. This was torture.

“Can we talk about somethin’ else?”

She paused and then jotted something down in her folder. “Tell me about your first sexual experience.”

“It’s too hard.”

“Close your eyes and put yourself back in time. Remember being happy and carefree.”

I did as she ordered. “It was my parent’s anniversary, and they like to go to this cabin in the mountains, so me and my sister were home alone. My family was only a short walk from the house, so we were never really alone, per se. Anyway, Ethan and I had it all planned out. He drove his dad’s old pickup truck into one of the barns, so my brother wouldn’t suspect anything. I’d spent the day decorating the hay loft with candles. Don’t worry. I used the flameless kind. I laid out blankets and brought some pillows from the house so we’d be comfortable. Despite the fact that it was our first time, I wasn’t nervous. We’d made out so many times, fondling, and exploring each other. I was ready to lose my virginity. I felt like it was going to make me a real woman.”