Christian (The Mitchell/Healy Family #3)(52)
Author: Jennifer Foor

It would have been nice if I were born immune to getting my feelings hurt, of being vulnerable. What was screwed up was that I’d forced Ethan out of my life, after jealousy had showed its ugly face. The severity of losing my friend hadn’t only stunted my recovery, but caused the pain to be so intense that I felt like I’d never heal.

I was finally beginning to feel better.

I was making progress with my doctor.

Then he showed up.

Now I was a wreck.

The lantern I’d always used was still in the same place I’d left it the last time. It took me a second to get it lit and secured back on the hook. The loft was a cozy place. On many occasions I’d climb up and read a book from cover to cover. I’d bring stray kittens in and feed them, and sometimes I’d hide when my cousins came to visit. Of all the places on the ranch this was my own personal private spot.

Just as I’d found a spot to sit down, I began to cry. My pent up anxiety from seeing Ethan had set me back. I knew I had to let it all out, so that in the morning I could figure out a way to get back on track.

It wasn’t too long after that I heard footsteps beneath me. I stopped sniffling and peered over the ledge. There wasn’t anyone there that I could see, so I backed away and attempted to calm down, just in case someone was listening.

I heard the footsteps again, this time confidant that there was someone else in the barn with me. That’s the moment when I looked down and saw who it was. He’d known where to look, and I honestly wasn’t surprised that he’d assumed that’s where I’d be. For a few seconds we just stared at one another. This was my opportunity to apologize for being insensitive. It was the time to admit that I’d overreacted; except, I couldn’t move. I had all of the words right there on my tongue, but they wouldn’t come out. Ethan walked over to the steps, but didn’t climb, not yet. “Did you think you could get rid me of me so easily?”

I refused to stop looking at him, at his dark wavy hair, and those deeply sexy eyes. I’d missed every detail of his face, and the way it felt when his hands were laced with mine. In that moment I knew I wouldn’t let him go away, even if a friendship was all he’d ever offer. “Honestly, no. Somehow I knew you’d be back.”

“I never left. I got halfway down that lane and pulled over. You see, I’ve had a lot of time to think. I know you think I abandoned you, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.”

“You’ve been MIA for weeks. You’ve ignored my calls. If that’s not abandonin’ me, then I don’t know what is.”

“It’s more complicated than that, Chris.”

I hated that we were beginning to argue already. Here I’d thought I’d lost him again and I was right back to accusing him of things. If I wanted to make amends and have him in my life, one of us was going to have to give. “You’re right.” I was prepared to make that first move. “We both made mistakes. Maybe my life was a little too hard to keep up with. I know it was for me, so I can’t imagine how it felt to watch me goin’ through it.”

“It wasn’t that. I can assure you. I’d never turn my back on you because of somethin’ terrible.”

He lurched forward, putting his hand on the ladder leading up to where I stood. With each step he spoke one sentence. “I told you before that I had a secret.” Step. “It’s time I come clean.” Step. In all honesty I figured he’d gotten someone pregnant. I knew he’d had other partners, but expected him to always use precaution.

Ethan was on that last step, staring directly into my eyes. My chest rising made it apparent that my breathing had increased. As much as I tried to contain my emotions, having him so close to me, in such a special place, left me vulnerable. “So what’s the secret? You’ve got me where you want me. I can’t run away. Spill.”

He climbed up into the loft with me, backing me up against the far wooden-planked wall, never taking his gaze off of mine. The moment was intense, but all I could think about was feeling his embrace again. I longed for it, as if it were the lost piece of my recovery puzzle. “I think I’ve loved you since that first day you stepped on the school bus.”

I shook my head. “What? What do you mean?”

“I’m in love with you, Christian. I have been in love with you every single day for as long as I can remember. God knows I’ve had a shit way of showin’ it, but it’s the truth. I love you, and I get that I don’t deserve it, but I’d like a shot at makin’ this more than just a friendship.”

I was frozen, completely unable to speak, more or less move an inch. Ethan brought his hand up to my face. I never pulled away from his touch. His warm palms sent a heat wave through my core.

Hot tears fell from my cheeks as I continued staring hopelessly into his eyes. “All this time. I don’t understand.”

“I thought that if I waited we’d have a better chance at a real future. I wanted to be certain that I’d never lose you.” He paused and looked away for a second, furrowing his brows and seeming conflicted. “What happened to you broke me, Chris. It tore me up. No matter how hard I tried I knew I’d never be able to take it away. Because of my stupidity you’ll be tormented forever. I don’t know how to live with that, babe. It breaks me.”

“You love me.” I kept going back to that in my mind. I supposed I’d waited so long to hear it with meaning that it was messing with my ability to comprehend everything else.

He touched my face again, taking one step closer in my direction. With only inches separating us I could feel the air as he exhaled. In that moment nothing else existed.

There was no more pain.

There was no time missed.

There was no attack.

It was as if I’d left my body and entered a new one; given a second chance at happiness. I want to feel this rush of invigorating euphoria. I needed to know what it felt like to let myself fall, without being afraid of what I could lose, because I’d already lost too much.

This was my path to recovery.

This was my eternal escape.

This was my salvation; my reason for wanting to overcome my demons.

Our lips brushed ever so gently and I closed my eyes, allowing myself to get lost without fear. His touch was familiar, and welcomed. My body trembled for all the right reasons, and as his fingers laced in both of mine I knew he’d never leave me again. I could feel his intent as if it were my own. We were in sync, riding a new wave, but this time together as one. This was the moment where I found my happy place. It was the moment where I knew I’d be able to let go of my past and slowly move forward with my future.