Christian (The Mitchell/Healy Family #3)(16)
Author: Jennifer Foor

According to the blinking clock an hour had passed. The room was quieter than I remembered it ever being, making me feel alone. At least if I’d gone home I could hear the whispers. This was agonizing.

Out of nowhere I heard my phone vibrating. Since the room was so quiet I jumped up to get it before it annoyed Ethan. The number was Seth’s and my stomach dropped as I hit the ignore button and turned off the device. It wasn’t the phone calls that were going to drive me mad as much as seeing him in class. I couldn’t look him in the eye after what we’d done. I’d given him head in a movie theater for Christ sakes. If that wasn’t the lowest point in my life I don’t know what was.

As much as I would have liked to be strong and face that I’d made the decisions that had led me down this path, I simply couldn’t shake the ill feeling they gave me. After climbing back into the bed I struggled with my emotions once more. Even though I attempted to hide my sniffles, it was obvious that if Ethan was awake he could hear me. Despite the fact that I was covered and completely warm, my body trembled. I hated my life. No matter how hard I tried I’d always be the woman that was awkward. My desperate attempt for recognition was a complete failure. I’d never be popular, or the woman that men lined up in front of for a chance to date. My aspirations of being someone else were fading away, leaving me lower than I’d ever been before. Even my own best friend hated being around me.

Knowing that I’d never be able to sleep, I climbed out of the comfortable bed and gathered my things. It was a long walk but I’d make it just fine. At this point it wouldn’t even be a loss if I didn’t. Sure, my parents would miss me, and Ethan would probably shed a tear, but he’d easily replace me. Hell, he probably only kept me around because he felt sorry for my struggles. It was embarrassing knowing that I’d poured my heart out to him and he hadn’t returned the feelings. I should have known back then that our friendship was doomed.

Ethan would wake up and wonder where I’d gone, so I chose to leave him a note.

I went home to sulk in my own misery. Sorry I bothered you with my problems and ruined your night. It’s obvious that I’ve somehow destroyed this friendship. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for falling for you and ruining everything we had. If I could take it back I would, because I couldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy. I won’t call you to save me anymore. I’ll figure it out on my own. I knew college would tear us apart. You’re too great to stick around with a nobody like me. Thanks for everything, but I can’t keep pretending I’m happy. It’s best if I focus on school and nothing else for a while.

Love- Chris

I’d made it to the front door before stalling to catch my breath. My feelings for Ethan had suddenly overwhelmed me. My heart ached imagining him not being a part of my life. I knew he didn’t love me the way I loved him, but was I willing to sever everything because of that?

I had to.

I couldn’t keep doing all of this myself. My schoolwork would come first, and I’d stay focused on that until graduation. Once I was out of college I could start my life over somewhere else. Until then I was going to pretend that my heart was intact, and that I hadn’t just lost my very best friend.

Ethan

After all this time she still didn’t get it.

Christian Mitchell wasn’t just any girl.

She was THE girl.

I’d known it from the moment she walked into my life so many years ago. Her mouth full of braces, and a big red pimple at the tip of her nose was my first impression, but I’d seen beauty.

We were paired as chemistry partners. Her voice was like an angel, and those green eyes captivated my soul. I suppose I could have told her how I felt. I could have asked her out, knowing she felt the same way, but I knew better. This girl was too special to get lost in some adolescent romance. Statistics told me it wouldn’t last, and I knew I’d be the one to mess up.

There was only one way to keep her in my life forever; one way I knew I’d never lose her.

I think for a long time I assumed that she’d always stick with me until I got my shit together. In some perverted way I hoped she’d remain single so I didn’t have to watch her fall for someone else. I knew she loved me, it was never a big secret since we discussed pretty much everything. I just always selfishly thought she’d wait for me.

I may have screwed around, sleeping with chicks that were willing, but they’d never hold a candle to her. They’d never be able to fill the place that I knew would always be hers.

I’d called her the night before because I was tired of waiting. Thinking she was finally coming out of her shell to get to know her new roommates, I didn’t give her a hard time about it. I never could have imagined that she’d go out and be with another guy, especially Seth. I didn’t think she’d find him interesting, especially enough to allow him into her bed.

I joked it off as much as I could, while inside I felt like I was being stabbed by a thousand daggers. Saving her from the bad date gave me empowerment, but it was short-lived. I should have known from that first moment that something was different. If anyone could read her it was me. All of the signs were there. I should have known she’d fucked him. It was just too hard to accept.

This woman that I’d put on a pedestal had betrayed my heart and she didn’t even know it. I’m not going to lie when I say it took everything in me not to come clean. The damage was done though. She’d slept with another man, and although I had my own skeletons, I couldn’t look at her the same way anymore. My perfect girl had been tainted. How was I to look at her and not feel destroyed inside? How was I supposed to look myself in the mirror and know that I could have prevented this from happening?

While in the shower I tried to be understanding. The brutal truth was that I needed her to be close to me. In other words, I needed to reclaim her in some caveman kind of way. Christian wasn’t like the other girls I slept with. She’d been my first for a reason. She and I shared something that other people couldn’t understand. We’d always been outcasts in school because we were smart. It was a shame that our intelligence had been the reason for failed relationships with our peers. High school is a hard place for a nerd to fit in.

Once in college we’d set out with a common goal to reinvent ourselves. It had worked so far for me, but not so much for Christian. I can’t say I wasn’t happy about that. Secretly I wanted her to remain untouched. It’s the reason why I knew I wasn’t ready to commit to her. I couldn’t be selfish and keep her for myself. I had to let her live.