Christian (The Mitchell/Healy Family #3)(48)
Author: Jennifer Foor

While I paused to prepare for the rest of the story I looked up to see her making more notes. “How did you feel when Ethan said you couldn’t be a couple?”

“Devastated.”

“Was the pain much like being assaulted?”

I hated her question. “What’s that supposed to mean? Are you implyin’ that they are equal?”

“No. I’m trying to grasp the emotional pull that your love for Ethan has on you. Could you try to answer?”

“Ethan means everything to me. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe without him. When I was assaulted he pushed until I confessed what happened, and he promised he wouldn’t leave my side. I get why he’s upset, but I feel destroyed. My attack was ugly, and I wished it never happened, but my love for Ethan is beautiful. I could never regret that.”

“Finish your story about your first time.”

After talking about my love for him, it was hard to close my eyes and replay that moment in time that was so perfect. “The ambience was romantic, and Ethan took his time. He kissed me until I stopped shakin’, and then made sure I was ready for every single step. I felt loved, respected, and above all consumed with confidence.”

“How would you describe your time with Seth?”

I swallow the immediate lump in my throat. “Drunken, stupid, a big mistake. I was desperate, and vulnerable.”

“Christian, you’re very young, and with that it means that you’ve yet to experience so much. I’m not saying that you need to go out and find partners. I’m saying that with age comes experience. It always helps with acceptance.”

“I’m tryin’ to understand that. I still wake up every mornin’ hopin’ I won’t think of my mistakes.”

“We’re human. We make mistakes. It’s how we repent our faults that make us indifferent. I want you to go home and share your happy list with one family member. I also want you to include the two sad items. Learning to express your feelings is very important in your situation. Having a good line of communication at home will not only improve your trust with others, but also them with you.”

It made sense. My parents were always trying to know my business. They’d be over the moon if I shared something so dear to my heart, especially about Ethan. Besides, I knew I was going to have to come clean about him if I ever wanted to be able to accept that he might not want to be my friend again. As much as it hurt to think about, I knew this was my only life, and I had to be thankful for having a second chance at finding myself. “I think I’ve always been afraid that they looked at me like I was different from my siblings. They’re so outgoin’, and easy to get along with. I always liked school, and playing by myself. My mom says she was like me, but I’ve seen her make friends easily. All she has to do is smile and they’re like magnets. I don’t have that gift. Maybe I have an invisible sign on my forehead that says I’m awkward.”

“You’re too self-conscious. You’re worried about what others think of you, instead of what you think of yourself. Remember we talked about loving yourself?”

“Yes.”

“When you look in the mirror what do you see?”

This was the stupidest question. Obviously I saw myself.

She reiterated her question when I didn’t reply. “What kind of person do you see when you look in the mirror?”

“We’ve already gone over this question.”

“It’s important to answer again.”

“I see a lonely girl who longs to be loved.”

“Hmm, and what if I asked you to describe the woman you want to see in the mirror?”

This one was easy. I’d thought about this every single time I’d looked at my own reflection only to feel let down at what was really there. “I see beauty, strength, and happiness. I see a woman who isn’t afraid to go after what she wants. I see a woman who conquers all struggles, leavin’ no rock unturned. I see confidence. She’d have poise. She’d be skilled as a ninja so no one could ever hurt her physically.”

“Let’s back up a second. As much as I would like to see you become a ninja, for self defense, of course, I think it’s best that we focus on one obstacle at a time. Perhaps our main focus should be on that confidence. Tell me what you don’t like about your appearance.”

I kept my gaze low, trying not to see her looking at me, making me more uncomfortable with the question. “I don’t feel beautiful.”

“So if I told you that you were a beautiful, stunning lady you wouldn’t believe me?”

“I’d feel flattered, but question your judgment.”

She tapped that pen to the paper again, causing me to look up. When I did I saw that she was staring at me. “When did you start to feel as if you were unbeautiful?”

I tossed my hands in the air. “I don’t know. Maybe it was when my cousins started teasin’ me.”

“I know for a fact that you come from a very large family. It says in my notes that you have a large amount of cousins. Perhaps they were only teasing you because they knew it got to you.”

“Who knows? The damage is done. If they wanted me to feel ugly they’ve succeeded.”

“I want you to do something else for me when you go home. I’d like for you to call those cousins and ask them if you’re beautiful.”

“I’d say you’re crazy.”

“Please enlighten me here. This is my job to find the source so that I’m able to help you heal. Part of that is finding where this all stems from. Once we can determine that, you’ll begin to feel differently about yourself. That’s when we’ll have made the most progress.”

Even though I knew I’d follow through, because I was desperate for closure, I felt sickened by what she was asking me to do. I loathed my twin cousins, Jake and Jax. They’d picked on me my whole life. If I called and asked them a question so ridiculous I’d be a laughing stock.

With a new list of to-dos I left the office and headed home. I was eager to sit down with my parents and share my list. I think it was beneficial that they knew I trusted them. Calling my cousins was going to be a battle in itself.

Chapter 30

Christian

My mom was eager to get my sister home. I think she secretly hoped that both of us girls would live with her forever. Even if we built a house on the family property, I don’t know if we’d be close enough in her eyes.