Avoiding Commitment (Avoiding #1)(18)
Author: K.A. Linde

"You’re right dear. I wish I could fix things."

She waved the comments off. No need for him to be even sweeter than normal. That would just make her feel worse. "Nothing to fix. Your family is the way it is. There’s nothing wrong with that."

"Well I don’t agree with you on that, but I appreciate it. It would make me feel better if you were with me though. There’s only so much family backgammon I can take," he said chuckling heartily. "So what are you doing? Have any big plans for the evening? Weekend get-away while I’m not in town?"

Lexi stopped dead in her tracks in the middle of the frozen food section. Did he know about her plans? She shook her head. Of course, there was no way for him to know. She had just decided herself, and she would never let anyone else know. She steadied herself on the shopping cart and let her breath even out. "Nope. I’m probably just going to be boring while you’re gone. Hang out with Olivia. Finish my Spinoza reading. Stuff like that," she said terrified that guilt was creeping into her voice and he would notice.

"Aww…baby…you don’t have to do nothing just because I’m gone. You know what?"

"No," she croaked.

"I want you to have a good time; a really good time while I’m gone. It’s my fault you’re all by yourself this weekend. I feel obligated to tell you that you need to do something fun and crazy. I don’t want you sitting at home doing homework on a Friday night."

"I…well…"

"Nope. That’s final. If you don’t have a good time tonight, then I’m the one to take the blame. So go home put on something cute, and have fun tonight okay?"

"Okay," she mumbled half-heartedly.

"Oh, I’m so sorry I’m not there," he moaned, misinterpreting her guilty conscience.

"It’s…it’s fine. You have family stuff."

"I just wish I could be there with you, but you still have to take my advice. I’ll call you tomorrow to find out how your night went, and you better tell me just how great it was okay? I’ve gotta go though. I love you. Bye."

Spencer hung up so fast he didn’t even hear her whispered good-bye or the fact that she completely neglected saying I love you too.

Lexi tucked her phone back into her pocket. She felt worse about going to see Jack now that she had spoken with Spencer. He wanted her to have a good time, and she would if she actually went to Jack’s house. It just wouldn’t be the kind of fun that would be in her best interest, or her relationship’s best interest. She couldn’t go see him. He had promised they would just talk, but she just couldn’t do it. The thing she remembered the most about visiting Jack was the feeling of having no control. Her actions were compelled by him. She was compelled by him. Every time she found herself in his presence, she acted as if she was possessed. It was easy to conjure up how she had felt when she had been so enraptured in him that she could hardly sleep at night. But she couldn’t let herself go there again. Her temples began to pulse painfully as she contemplated her options.

She had stopped anything from happening with Jack at Chamber even when she had been drunk. Then, when they had met up for a second time, he had barely hugged her. Let alone anything beyond that happening. It had been nice just to see him with no strings attached. She wondered if maybe she was overreacting. What she had felt before with Jack had stemmed from her understanding that they were working towards a relationship. Now that she was with Spencer, perhaps they could just work towards a friendship.

Deep down, she knew that what he had felt with Jack nearly a year earlier had been real. That had he been single at the time, and refrained from lying to her, they would have worked out. She had wanted that – for them to be together – more than anything she wanted now. And that fact scared her.

Lexi tried not to think about the subject too much as she finished her grocery shopping and drove home. Pulling into a parking spot in front of her four-bedroom flat, she quickly unloaded the groceries.

"Need any help with that, roomie?" Olivia asked, skipping into the living room her pixie-cut bouncing as she went.

"No thanks. I think this is the last of it."

"Okie dokie," she trilled, plopping down cross-legged on the white carpeted floor. She snatched her acoustic guitar from its stand and began absentmindedly strumming one of her new tunes. She alternated to a fast-paced picking for the chorus and her soprano filled the room.

"I like that last part," Lexi told her pushing aside three half-full cartons of milk to make room for some of her groceries.

"Well good," she said returning to the gentle strum, "I’m not finished yet. I’m working on a second verse.

Lexi smiled brightly. "Can I hear the whole thing?" she asked her head up popping up over the refrigerator door.

"Sure sweetie," Olivia exclaimed. She plucked each chord experimentally to verify she was in tune. After adjusting a knob or two, she began to play letting her lyrics flow easily from her mouth.

"Closing up. Finally spent.

You are gone.

And now you’re moving along.

Heavy now. Tears remain.

Hard pressed to rest.

When all I feel like is a mess.

Now, don’t you worry your head.

You’re not my one and only friend.

And I don’t need you anymore.

To leave me bruised and broken on the floor.

You left me bruised. You left me broken.

You left me bruised. You left me broken."

Lexi stared at Olivia in awe. This was the most heart-wrenching song Olivia had written. Generally, they were up-beat tempos with lyrics about anything from raisins to kittens to technicolor rainbows.

"Is this about John?" Lexi asked about her ex-boyfriend after she finished a second round of the chorus.

"No, of course not," Olivia said quickly returning to her upbeat personality.

"I just mean, that was really dark, Liv."

"Yeah, well, whatever. Things happen," Olivia said vaguely.

"I mean I know you liked him a lot, but you can’t dwell on him any longer," Lexi told her.

"I loved him," she said meekly.

"I know. But he was hurting you. You have to know that you couldn’t go along with that any longer."

"I know I shouldn’t have to, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be with him," she said fiercely.

Lexi nodded her head. She knew what that was like, even if she couldn’t exactly tell Olivia that. "Your break up took seven hours. That coupled with crying for the next week straight had to have been mentally draining. I don’t expect you to recover from that over night. I know that I wouldn’t. But you have to know that I’m here for you. You can trust me."

The words felt hollow in her mouth as soon as she uttered them. Here she was comforting her friend after the most traumatic break-up Lexi had ever witnessed, and she was going to go see Jack. She had pretty much made up her mind in that department. Olivia had been there for her when things had gone south with Jack last year, and now Lexi couldn’t even tell her that she was talking to him again. Oh, what would Olivia say if she found out? Lexi tired not to think about it, for she knew Olivia would be furious with her. She just knew it. That’s why Lexi couldn’t tell her. After what had happened with Olivia’s ex-boyfriend, how could she tell Olivia that she was subjecting herself to what could potentially be just as destructive?

"Thanks, sweetie," Olivia murmured. "What are your plans for tonight?"

"Uh…" Lexi froze. She hadn’t come up with an excuse for being out, because she hadn’t expected Olivia to be home.

"The guys," Olivia began, referring to their other two roommates, "went on some fraternity bonding retreat." She made a gagging sound in the back of her throat which made Lexi giggle. "Spence is gone right?" Olivia asked returning to her guitar.

"Um…yeah he is."

"Cool, girl’s night!" she said glancing up before the chorus of the song she was playing.

"I’m going to have to pass," Lexi muttered uncomfortably. As soon as the words came out, she regretted it. Olivia looked crushed. She always wore her emotions on her sleeve. "I want to, but I made plans with Jennifer," Lexi improvised quickly. Olivia despised Jennifer which was the only reason she had used her name. That way she had effectively cut off Olivia attempting to join her.

"Oh…eww…why?" Olivia asked crinkling her nose.

"Ex-roommate bonding something or other," Lexi told her vaguely.

"Right…okay. Have fun with that," she said making another gagging noise.

Lexi retreated to her bedroom to decide on something to wear to Jack’s house. She quickly threw on a loose pair of jeans and a red baggy t-shirt. She stared at her reflection in the mirror, and sighed heavily. If she was going to pretend to hang out with Jennifer, she might as well play the part. Sliding the jeans and t-shirt back off, she rummaged through her closet until she found a navy blue three-quarter length scoop neck blouse. She turned to her dresser and added a grey micro mini skirt to the ensemble. Lexi placed a tiny silver chain with a sideways heart pendant that just brushed her collarbones around her neck and black pleated flats to finish off the look. Jennifer would have never been seen in public with Lexi in what she had been wearing previously. Or at least that was her excuse for dressing sexy.

Apprehensively, Lexi slid back into her car to make the ten minute drive to Jack’s apartment. Two hours had passed since their phone call, and he had probably thought she had bailed on him. After all, she shouldn’t be seeing him at all. But naively, she assumed nothing could go wrong. As long as they both knew that this wasn’t going anywhere while she was taken. They had gone down that path, and had seen how poorly that worked. The only comfort she had gotten in finding out that Jack had had a girlfriend previously was knowing that all those times he had held off on taking their relationship further hadn’t been her fault. He hadn’t gone farther because he had wanted to tell her about his girlfriend. Because his girlfriend kept calling. Because he felt terrible about lying to her. Not because Lexi wasn’t what he wanted.

That knowledge did nothing to sway her apprehension about seeing him now. There was no girlfriend holding him back from showing his true feelings. The only thing preventing him was his respect for Lexi. She hoped that was enough.

Lexi skipped up to Jack’s doorway and found it open just as she arrived. He had been waiting for her. "Here you are," he said looking her up and down. "Wow, you look great." He was obviously ogling the length of the skirt that revealed much of her tanned thighs.

"Thanks."

"I didn’t know if you were going to show up," he stated as she skirted past him into the living room.

"Me either."

"Well, I’m glad that you did." She nodded not letting herself admit that she already felt better by being around him. "Did you want to watch a movie or something?" he asked.

"Sure thing." She grabbed Wedding Crashers off of the shelf and went to put it into the DVD player remembering doing this so many times before.

"Actually, I just got a TV and stuff for my room, if you want to watch it in there," he said casually.

She could read him though. He knew if they were in his bedroom that she would be forced to sit next to him. But the thing she couldn’t decide was whether or not she minded. "Okay we’ll go in there, but don’t think you’re off the hook about the Chamber story," Lexi said pointing the movie at him.