Avoiding Commitment (Avoiding #1)(43)
Author: K.A. Linde

Lexi stared upwards pathetically counting the number of dots on the ceiling. She reached a number somewhere in the triple digits, forgot which ones she had already counted, and then started over again. Then she started losing count of how many times she had numbered the same area. She closed her eyes hoping to block out the pain she was feeling. All she wanted to do was forget that all of this had happened. Close her eyes and wake up to find that everything was back to normal or at least skip this part where she felt like a human being again.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been lying there when her phone started buzzing. She honestly didn’t even realize that she had stuffed it into her pocket. A feeling of dread took over her body as she stared at the screen flashing Clark’s name. Her stomach curled in around itself wondering whether or not she should answer. Of course, she knew she should answer, but she really didn’t want to hear him say the words that she knew was coming. How could she let this all be over?

She felt the phone buzz once more and then with a loud sigh answered the phone. "Clark," she mumbled into the phone.

"Hey baby," he said from the other line. Lexi’s heart fluttered at the pet name. Well that was a good sign. She shook her head. No, it was more likely it was habit. She wasn’t sure if she was supposed to respond to him or if he was going to do all the talking. Her throat felt like it had a handful of cotton balls shoved down it, and even if she wanted to initiate conversation she’d probably need a full glass of water before she could even attempt to manage it.

"We need to talk." Lexi gulped. That didn’t sound good. How could he sound so calm after blowing up this morning? How was he so controlled? She was all over the charts. She’d cried for hours and then honestly stared at the ceiling for God knows how long. Clark sounded more like he had just taken a brisk morning jog, gotten out of the shower, had breakfast, and was ready to start the day.

"Alright," she began, clearing her throat. "Let’s talk."

"Come meet me for coffee."

Lexi’s head swam as a vision of Jack standing behind a counter handing her a paper cup brimming with coffee. She snapped her eyes closed hoping to clear her head. The last thing she needed to think about right now was Jack. "Can I…just come over?"

"I’d rather not be at one of our houses."

Why did she always have to associate coffee with Jack? She just wanted to hit herself. Everything seemed to remind her of Jack. The sad thing was that she knew she really needed coffee. She never went this long in the morning without the stuff. She’d probably start shaking like an addict going through withdrawal here shortly if she didn’t get a hold of a cup, but she still didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to think about Jack especially around Clark. She needed to focus on what he was going to say to her. She needed to remain calm as he broke up with her.

"Coffee it is then," she said weakly. "See you soon."

"Yeah."

Lexi decided that it really didn’t matter that she was going out in public in something resembling a clown outfit. If all she was going there for was to be broken up with, then what did it matter? It didn’t really add to the humiliation. She couldn’t humiliate herself any more than she already had.

For what she hoped was the last time she went out that day, Lexi pulled into the parking lot at the coffee shop. Her eyes traveled the familiar building her heart aching with memories. She entered through the side entrance to avoid getting a glimpse of the counter area and her all too familiar study space. She breathed in the rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee and appreciated the dull green glow that emanated from the lamps resting on every table. At least this light didn’t hurt her already damaged eyes. She saw Clark nestled in an overstuffed couch next to the fireplace with two cups sitting before him. They both appeared to be untouched.

Their eyes met across the room. She felt frozen in time in that second as she stared across into his emerald orbs. Clark had always been so intuitive, so knowledgeable. Even from her spot rooted to the floor in front of the entrance, she could tell something had changed in him. In the short time they had been apart, he had come to a decision. A decision that Lexi knew would change everything.

Lexi meandered through the crowded room, and plopped down next to Clark on the sofa. He handed her one of the cups. "Black, like you like it," he said taking a sip of his own cup.

That was strange enough in itself, because Clark didn’t drink coffee. He was one of those self-motivated people who could survive the morning without that extra buzz. She eyed his cup like it might explode any minute. He followed her gaze to his cup, and revealed a half smile that quickly dissipated. "It’s hot chocolate," he confessed.

"Oh."

"Look you’re probably wondering why I asked you here," he said.

Lexi didn’t really wonder that. She knew why she was here. He needed time before to think about things, and then after thinking things through he was ready to break up with her. He might love her, but Clark wouldn’t be second best. He wouldn’t just let this slide. However, all she said was, "I guess."

"I just…can I just ask you something?" he questioned putting his cup back down on the table and turning to look at her.

"You just did," she said meekly. "But sure go ahead." She wasn’t sure why he was prolonging this. Really it would just be better for him to get this over with. Cut the strings and all that.

He gave her another half smile before it fell off of his face again. A curl fell into his eyes and he quickly pushed the hair back into place. Lexi hadn’t even realized he had let his hair get so long. He normally cut it all off before it was long enough for her to play with. How had she missed the fact that she was able to run her fingers through his thick mess of curly hair? Had she been so lost in her other world that she hadn’t really been present in this one? Her heart contracted painfully at the knowledge that she would never again have the privilege of playing with his beautiful hair.

Had Jack been right? If the roles had been reversed, would she have given everything up? Would she have willingly given up Clark? Her eyes followed the curly hair down to the five o’clock shadow across his chin up to the plump lips and then finally resting on his hazel green eyes. Now with him right in front of her, she just couldn’t be sure.

"Do you want to be with me?" Clark asked breaking her out of her thoughts.

"Of course I do," she said without another thought.

"Why…" he began taking a deep breath. "I want to ask why would you do this to me if you claim you want to be with me, but I know that is a useless path to take. You did it because of Jack. I should have known all along. I should have seen the warning signs. I did see the warning signs. I just didn’t want to believe that anything had happened. I wanted us to stay exactly where we were. We were happy right?" he asked his eyes pleading with her.

"Yeah. Yeah, we were happy."

"I knew from the get go what Jack meant to you. I could see it every time his name was mentioned. I could see it every time he was near you. I knew it every time you had to run away from him. You did that to save us. I can see that now," he said. "Then, I forced you guys to be around each other. What did I expect by doing that? I should have known that by me doing that you guys wouldn’t change. You guys would only continue to harbor the same affection you felt previously. Right?"

Lexi gulped and then nodded.

"That’s what I thought. Now, I didn’t think you guys would sleep together. I thought that perhaps you would be smart enough to realize that this would be done if that happened."

Lexi gulped again even harder. There he had said it. They would be over if that happened, and it had. She had told him with her own voice that they had slept together. That fateful night back in May. That wonderful night that her and Jack shared had sealed the outcome to this conversation.

"I guess I didn’t expect it to continue. I tried to just turn a blind eye. I tried to be with my girlfriend, but you weren’t the same girlfriend. I guess you haven’t been for a long time," he said his eyes momentarily darkening. "That’s when I couldn’t deal with it any longer. I just couldn’t be with a shadow of the woman I love. And that’s what you’ve become." He reached out and took her hand. She was so shocked by his grasp that she nearly dropped her drink. "So please Lexi, baby, my dear, my sweet, my love, answer me honestly. Do you want to be with me?"

Her heart fluttered at his words. After everything they had been through and all the good times they had shared, did she really want to give that up? Jack didn’t want her. She had to know that by now. He wanted Kate. He had all but come right out and said that earlier today. They couldn’t be together. A part of her felt like she was dying with that thought. Jack had been such a large part of her heart for so long, she wasn’t sure if she would ever be the same person without him. As cheesy as it sounded, she felt complete with him. Completeness she had never felt with anyone else, not even Clark. Yet Jack didn’t want her and she needed to move on from that.

"I do want to be with you," she answered.

He searched her face for a lie for some sign of falsehood, but couldn’t locate any. Lexi was a terrible liar, and he could almost always pick out when she wasn’t being honest with him. But as he stared into her big chocolate eyes, he realized she was telling the truth.

"I want to be with you too," he said pulling her into a hug.

Lexi couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down her face again. How had this happened? How had she come out of this scenario unscathed? Well almost unscathed. After all, she had lost Jack. She pushed that thought away. No need to think about him. He was gone. They were no more, and she was almost certain they never would be again. He wasn’t leaving Kate, and Clark still wanted to be with her. He still wanted them to be a couple. She was having a difficult time processing that information. For the third time today, everything had turned out completely opposite of what she had been expecting. She had been mentally preparing herself for a break up, and he hadn’t wanted a break up at all.

When he pulled away from her, there was something different in his eyes that she didn’t recognize. "I just need one thing from you if we’re to be together."

She should have expected this. No way was he going to let her walk away so easy. "What is it?" she asked warily.

"Lexi you really want to be with me right?" She nodded, the anticipation rising. "Alright, if you really do want to be with me, then you have to tell Kate."

Lexi’s mouth popped open. "What?" she squealed.

He wanted her to tell Kate what they had done. God, what a terrible thing for him to ask her to do. She couldn’t imagine what Jack would think of her if she did tell Kate. No, actually, she did know what he would think of her. He would never speak with her again. He would never want to see her again. He had flat out told her that he didn’t want Kate to know. He didn’t think Clark would tell her, and he just wanted to get on with his perfect, amazing life with his perfect, amazing girlfriend.

"If you want to be with me, then it won’t matter that you tell her," he stated simply.

She couldn’t close her mouth she was in such a state of shock. She had never realized how vindictive Clark could be. He was asking her to ruin another person’s relationship, another person’s life like she had been so easy to do to her own.