Avoiding Commitment (Avoiding #1)(70)
Author: K.A. Linde

And she had meant what she said. She couldn’t look at him right now without hurting. Sure she felt betrayed because of him sleeping with Stella, but she was just as angry with herself. When he’d given her a chance for them to be together, she had been scared and thought it would be safer to try it out without an official title. Look how that had back fired in her face. She wasn’t so sure if things would have been different though. She might have just saved herself some heartache, because had her boyfriend cheated on her it would have been worse than Jack sleeping with some other girl. At least she wanted to delude herself into believing that it would have been different.

What pissed her off the most was that she hadn’t truly wanted him to leave. He was a part of her now. She had told him not to come back unless he had something better to say, but she was terrified that he never would. No one pushed Jack around. He did what he wanted when he wanted and she just happened to be on the wrong end of things this time around. What if she had pushed him away to the point that he never came back? They certainly had been through enough drama that she wouldn’t…couldn’t blame him if he wanted a fresh start. But she didn’t want that with anyone else but Jack.

She had made up her mind a long time ago that Jack was the only man for her. If they had gotten though this far, then they could make it through anything. But he had been with Stella when he had known he could have her. What kind of guy does that?

She shook her head. She had been in that exact position on a number of occasions with Clark. She knew how easy it could be to just escape with Jack when she couldn’t be around Clark. As wrong as she knew it was, she hadn’t been able to stop herself. She had always thought that desperation came from wanting Jack, but maybe things were different with him. Perhaps he had always done it because he enjoyed the cloak and dagger effect of hiding and running away from his life with her.

Was that all she had been for all those years?

She just couldn’t be sure.

Lexi wasn’t sure how many hours had passed as she sat rooted to her place on the sofa. Claire and Elizabeth moseyed in at some point chatting about how amazingly wild Chyna’s party had been. They attempted to coax a response out of her but she sat like a statue as they carried on about their night. Rachelle eventually resurfaced and, after seeing the blank look on Lexi’s face, ushered the others out of the living room. Lexi didn’t ever have a smile for her though she did appreciate the gesture. She did not, however, appreciate Rachelle’s own efforts to find out what had happened between her and Jack. Lexi just glared at her as she rattled off outrageous scenarios.

"Get the f**k out of here Ray," she growled speaking for the first time.

"This isn’t healthy. I wasn’t sure if you even could speak. If you won’t speak to me, I’m calling Chyna and getting her over here. Maybe she can talk some sense into you," she grumbled stomping into Lexi’s room.

Lexi didn’t even have the energy to stop her. What did it matter if Chyna came over? That wasn’t bringing Jack back to her and if it did, it wasn’t going to take back what had happened last night. She continued staring forward at the TV which, at some point, had been switched on to a terrible Soap Opera. She didn’t recognize what was going on and after a couple minutes all the colors began to blur together. She knew her roommates were talking about her in the other room, but she couldn’t concentrate enough to make out what they were saying. It didn’t matter anyway.

"Oh honey," Chyna cried as soon as she burst through the door. She rushed across the room and sat on the couch next to Lexi. "What happened to you?" Lexi felt her wrap her arms around her and squeeze. She let her, but it still didn’t matter. "How long has she been like this?" Chyna anxiously questioned glancing over the couch at her worried roommates.

Claire shrugged and glanced towards Rachelle who answered, "I’m not sure. Jack left around eleven. I heard the door slam. So I guess since then."

"Eleven in the morning?" she screeched. "And you’re just calling me now why? It’s nearly six o’clock."

That surprised Lexi. She hadn’t realized she had been here that long…an hour at the most. Where had the time gone? Had Jack called? She didn’t ask any of these questions just remained seated staring blankly ahead.

"Sorry," Rachelle mumbled. The other two girls didn’t even respond just huddled behind their friend. "I didn’t know what was going on with her."

"Whatever," Chyna stated dismissively. "Alexa, hey, look at me." Chyna gently turned her head to face her. Lexi’s brown eyes were blank and bloodshot as if she had been crying, but every other indication was vacant. "What happened?" Lexi just stared at her friend. "It’s okay. You can tell me if you want, but you don’t have to."

Lexi could tell she was worried. Chyna’s voice was cracking with concern. She had never seen Lexi this way. That’s because Lexi had never felt this way. She felt comatose almost as if she no longer needed anything to sustain her body. She could just stare off into open space indefinitely and nothing else would matter. Maybe nothing else did matter.

"Chica, can you even hear me?" Lexi hadn’t noticed that she had still been talking. What was so important? She just wanted to drift away…far away from this time and place. "Lexi wake up. What has gotten into you?" she asked shaking her shoulders gently. She felt her head loll back and forth as her neck lost control of keeping her head upright. She still didn’t make a move to speak up. Chyna looked to be near to tears and there was nothing Lexi could or would do about it. She just wanted to be left alone. "I just…I don’t know what to do with her," she murmured standing and speaking to Lexi’s roommates. "What could have happened to her?"

Chyna jumped backwards as a knock sounded from the front door. Rachelle crossed the room swiftly and gasping as it swung open.

"You son of a bitch," Chyna cried stalking across the space. "What the hell did you do to her Jack?"

"I…Lex," he murmured softly glancing around Chyna at Lexi’s near statuesque form.

Lexi glanced up for the first time feeling as if she had been awakened from a dream. She honestly hadn’t expected to ever hear her name uttered by his voice ever again. "Jack."

He attempted to enter the apartment, but Chyna blocked his way. "How dare you think you can just walk back into her life like this! She’s been sitting like a completely unresponsive rock for the past seven hours because of you…and you think…"

"Chyna cut it out," Lexi commanded her voice weak but controlled. "Let him in."

"Are you sure?" Chyna asked biting down on her lip. It looked like the last thing she wanted to do in the whole wide world.

"Yes." That settled it and she moved away letting him enter the dorm. Rachelle shut the door behind him and quickly made her, Claire, and Elizabeth very busy. Chyna stood by ostensibly ready to pounce at any second in the event that he hurt her friend again. Lexi sighed. "I’m alright Chyna. You can go. I know you’re supposed to be meeting with Frederick today. He hates when you’re late."

"He can deal," she grumbled not budging.

"Go. I won’t have him angry with me. I’ll call you if I need you." Chyna looked anxious about the situation but, eventually, nodded and left.

Lexi noticed how bad she ached all over for the first time since that morning. She had never fixed her dehydration problem and every muscle in her body was crying out from thirst. Her eyelids were heavy and pink lips chapped. Her back ached for sitting ramrod straight for seven hours. Most of all, her heart hurt terribly. She had closed off her emotions when he had walked out the door, but now with him standing in front of her it all came back in a wave. Her heart was tearing, breaking, being shred to pieces and it was unlike anything she had ever experienced. She wanted to gasp out in pain, but she kept her mouth closed and held in her aches. Jack had come here for a reason and she wanted to know what that reason was.

"You said if I had something more to talk to you about…anything better that I should come back," he told her speaking quietly as he sat next to her on the couch.

"It took you seven hours to think of something good enough to say to me?" she whispered her voice raspy.

"Please Lex," he pleaded his blue eyes boring into her.

"Go ahead."

Jack took a deep breath before speaking. "I’ve always been the kind of person who believed that I’d never find someone I wanted to commit to. That after all the shit I went through with my parents’ divorce, I’d never want to be with someone indefinitely. I’d never see another person as anything more than just a divorce waiting to happen. I pushed every person I’ve ever been with away from me, and for what?

"I did it because I was scared. I did it because I was selfish. I wanted everything and really all I was doing was accepting nothing. And you…you my dear," he said his hands reaching for her cheek but dropping before he reached her. "I hurt you more than all of them. I lied, cheated, and took you for granted. You were it for me, and I managed to even f**k that up.

"I f**k up because I don’t know how to do anything else. I’m worthless. I’m less than worthless. I should never have been in a relationship in the first place. If anyone had known what I was capable of, they would have run. But you knew and you stuck by me. You put up with me even when you had no reason to. I know I’m terrible at showing it but I do love you. I want you to know that you have my heart. You always have and you always will."

"Jack, how can you say that to me?" Lexi asked fighting back tears.

"Because it’s the truth," he murmured.

"But you’ve never been able to show that to me."

"I might be able to." Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. Jack’s hand reflexively went to his pocket and dug around for a second before producing a tiny black box. Lexi gasped as her eyes took on the shape of a jewelry box.

"What…what’s in there?" she asked her voice shaking. Her eyes were wide with wonder and a hint of fear.

He cracked the box open revealing an exquisite princess cut diamond with a string of matching diamonds on either side. The band was pure white gold. It had an old timey feel to it, but Lexi had never laid her eyes on a more beautiful ring. "This was what I was going to give to you to prove that you have my heart."

Lexi hand flew to her mouth in shock. She couldn’t help shaking her head in disbelief. No. Not now. Not after everything. She couldn’t drag her eyes away from the amazing diamond.

"No," she murmured.

He nodded picking the ring up out of the box and twirling it around between his fingers. "I know I don’t deserve you Lex."

"No," she muttered again.

"I know," he said nodding. "This was my grandma’s ring. My mom gave it to me over my brothers because she knew that I would choose someone who really mattered to me not just the first person who came along."

"Jack please, just stop."

He seemed to ignore her. "Now I wasn’t planning to show this to you, but," he looked up from the ring into her wide-eyed brown orbs, "this was meant for you. Only you."

"No."

"But either way that was what I had to tell you to show you my heart," he whispered.