Thoughtful (Thoughtless #1.5)(105)
Author: S.C. Stephens

Feeling worn to the bone, I headed to my room and crashed on my bed. That was when I noticed that the Ramones poster Kiera had given me was still hanging on my wall. Even though I should take it down, I left it up. No matter what I did, Kiera would always be with me. Ripping down her memento wouldn’t change that fact.

I spent a lot of time alone that week. Well, not entirely alone. My band started meeting for rehearsals again, and when we weren’t playing, we were either at Pete’s or my house. Like they’d all gotten together and decided on a Kellan-watching schedule, someone showed up at my place almost every day. It was usually Evan, but Matt popped over from time to time, and so did Griffin. Of course, Griffin mainly showed up to watch TV, but that was fine.

So, while I wasn’t physically alone that much, mentally I’d checked out. I stared off into space a lot and spoke to others only when absolutely necessary. Left to my own devices, I probably would have become a recluse, but my friends wouldn’t let me. Everyone kept trying to pull me out of my funk, but I didn’t want to be pulled out.

The only thing I cared about was Denny and Kiera. I thought about both of them all the time, and they were each hurtful to think about, for vastly different reasons. I felt myself falling deeper into depression every day.

I was staring at the bubbles in my beer one night at Pete’s when I felt someone sit beside me. Expecting a forward fan, I was a little startled to see Sam in the next chair. Running a hand over his buzz-cut hair, he sighed and said, “Look, I don’t want to get in the middle of whatever is going on with you and Denny, but…he’s leaving tomorrow. Like, leaving, leaving. I thought you might want to know, in case…you know, there was something you wanted to say to him.”

He gave me a pointed glance, then stood up. As I watched him leave, I felt some of my haze start to lift. Denny was heading home, but he wasn’t gone yet. I had one last chance to set things right between us. If that was even possible.

Finishing my beer, I laid down some money for my tab, then headed toward the door. Thinking about saying goodbye to Denny naturally brought Kiera to my mind. I missed her so much that every second was almost unbearable. I went to bed staring at the poster on my wall, and woke up every morning still facing the same direction, as if even in my sleep, I couldn’t turn away from her.

Realizing that now was the perfect time to create my inked memorial of her, I turned around and found Matt over by the pool tables. “Hey, can you show me that tattoo place you like? I want to get something.”

Matt looked shocked. I’d resisted getting anything on my body for a really long time now. The guys didn’t even ask me to get one with them anymore, because they knew I’d say no. Except today. Today I was saying yes. “Uh…yeah, sure. When do you want to go?”

Reaching over to a nearby stool, I handed him his jacket. I wanted to do this while the idea was still fresh in my head. And the odds were good that Kiera would be with Denny tomorrow. If I was going to see her, I wanted to have her armor upon me. “Now,” I told him. It was getting late, but I was betting the parlor was still open. Late hours were kind of good for them. Matt finished his beer with a shrug, then followed me out the door.

Forty-five minutes later, I was sitting back in a chair, being prepped for a tattoo of Kiera’s name right above my heart. Matt looked unsettled by my choice. “Are you sure about this, Kellan? Removing tattoos is a bitch, and there’s always a little bit left behind that you can see…”

I shook my head. “I don’t want this removed. And yes, I’m sure.” I wasn’t doing this for Kiera. I wasn’t doing this for show. This was purely for me, so I could have Kiera next to me for all time. I’d never been surer about anything in my life.

Once the design was in place and the tattoo was ready, the needle hummed to life. Matt cringed, but I didn’t. I’d experienced more pain in my life than most. This was nothing. I didn’t even flinch when the man started digging into my body. The sting brought me one step closer to Kiera, and I cherished the burn.

When the artist was done, he showed me the jet-black swirls, edged in raw, irritated skin. Kiera’s name was backward to me in the mirror, but it was still obvious what it said. In awe, I tenderly traced my finger around the loop of the A. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”

He put some ointment on it, bandaged it up, then started giving me instructions on how to care for it. I only halfheartedly listened to him. My chest felt different where Kiera’s tattoo was. I was conscious of her name above my heart, even if I could no longer see it. It felt like she was with me, forever by my side, like a piece of her soul had been infused into the ink and now it was embedded into my body. Ridiculous, yes, but that was how it felt. The actual girl might be out of my hands, but this was something I could hold on to.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I tried for a while, but when it was clear it wasn’t happening, I headed down to the airport. Searching the departures board, I found Denny’s flight. It was hours from now, so I figured I had some time before he showed up. I found a spot, then began the tiresome act of waiting.

While I waited, I ran through a list of things that I could say to him. But really, the only thing left to say was goodbye. And maybe that was all that needed to be said.

As dawn approached, the airport grew busier and busier. I was sitting in my chair, staring at my cast, when I felt eyes on me. Either airport security was finally going to ask me to buy a ticket somewhere or leave, or Denny was here. When I raised my eyes, it was Kiera who was staring at me though. Seeing her after all this time was like a sledgehammer to the stomach, and I instinctually avoided looking directly at her face. Looking at her would be like staring into the sun; I’d be burned, blinded by her beauty.

Standing, I kept my gaze focused solely on Denny. He was the one I was here for anyway. Out of the corner of my eye, I still noticed Kiera though. Even though I couldn’t see her well, she filled my mind, and my head was screaming at me to fully look at her. A glimpse is not enough.

Silencing the desperate voice in my head, I bored holes into Denny instead. I wasn’t here for her. I didn’t need to see how green her eyes were today, how plump her lips were. I didn’t need to look at the curve of her jeans as they hugged her body, or the cut of her sweater. I didn’t need to see any of it. And I didn’t have to. My brain could easily supply the missing information. She was picture-perfect in my head, and my chest burned around my new tattoo. My armor, my homage…my shout of devotion to the only person I would ever love.

Denny’s dark eyes were wide with surprise. I was clearly the last person he’d expected to see here. I noticed him clench Kiera’s hand tight, in an almost possessive way, before completely dropping it. Kiera didn’t belong to either of us.

Not sure what he would do, I stuck my hand out when he was standing in front of me. Would he accept my token of friendship, or completely reject me? I honestly had no idea. After a moment of careful consideration, Denny grasped my hand. I was shocked, and I felt like a small bridge had been put in place between us with that one gesture. Maybe there was hope for our friendship after all.

I couldn’t contain my happiness, and a brief smile lit my face. “Denny…man, I’m…” The joy faded as an apology faltered on my lips. I was so sick of saying “sorry.” That word wasn’t big enough for what I’d done.

Denny dropped my hand. “Yeah…I know, Kellan. That doesn’t mean we’re okay…but I know.”

His voice was tight, and I knew he was still upset, but he was being a bigger man. That was Denny. Always willing to turn the other cheek. “If you ever need anything…I’m…I’m here.” Even as I said the words, they sounded stupid to me. What could I possibly do for him? But I meant it, and I needed to say it.

Denny’s jaw tightened. Anger, jealousy, and sadness rushed over his face, all at the same time. With a sigh, he looked away from me. “You’ve done enough, Kellan.”

I couldn’t tell where his emotions had ended up, and his statement could be construed in a few different ways, but knowing what I knew about him, I chose to believe that he’d meant that in a positive way. That he was thanking me, in the only way he could, since saying the actual words would be too much of an absolution of my sins.

With emotion threatening to tighten my throat and cloud my eyes, I clapped Denny on the shoulder. “Take care…mate.” I wasn’t sure if that’s what I was to him anymore, but he would always be that to me. He would always have my friendship.

Surprising me again, Denny returned my gesture and my sentiment. His ability to forgive astounded me. “You too…mate.”

Feeling good about coming here and saying goodbye to Denny, I pulled him in for a quick hug, then swiftly turned and left. I didn’t want to cave and acknowledge Kiera. I didn’t want to open that wound, and I didn’t want to deviate from the point of this moment. Denny was the one I’d needed to talk to today. Kiera…well, I’d already said everything I needed to at the hospital. There was nothing left to say there. We were done.

Even still, I couldn’t stop myself from one last look at her before the crowd completely separated us. She was watching me too, and for a few brief seconds, our eyes locked. It had been a long time since I’d looked her directly in the eye. It made a surge of pain rip through me, like I was holding on to an electric fence. It made me feel weak, and I was certain I would fall to the floor any second. Or, more accurately, I was going to run over and scoop her into my arms. I couldn’t though, so even though my soul protested leaving, I turned away from her and let the crowd swallow me whole.