Thoughtful (Thoughtless #1.5)(21)
Author: S.C. Stephens

Evan got out, asked Matt and Griffin a question, then turned back to me. “Hey, Kellan, we’re gonna stay at Pete’s. You comin’?” By the look on his face, it was clear that he wanted me to.

I looked down at Kiera asleep on my shoulder. She was wiped. Waking her up and dragging her into the bar didn’t seem fair. Neither did leaving her in the car, not that I would ever leave her alone and vulnerable like that. “No, I’ll pass tonight. I think I’ll get her to bed.”

Evan just stared at me in response. He was torn, I could see that much. He knew I was right, I needed to get her home, but he was worried about what might happen if I took off with her. I wished he wouldn’t worry about stuff like that. Nothing was going to happen. Not while she was happy with Denny.

After a long pause, he finally told me, “Be careful, Kellan. You don’t need another Joey and…Denny is a friend, man.”

Even though I knew he was thinking it, it stung to hear him say it. I cringed as I thought over how I could possibly explain to him what Kiera and I were. What she meant to me. What Denny meant to me. That I’d never hurt either of them. It was hard to say though, because…I’d really enjoyed holding Kiera today. A lot more than I should have; I already wanted to hold her like that again.

In a soft voice, I made myself tell him, “Evan, it’s not like that. I wouldn’t…” Wouldn’t what? Betray Denny? Make a play for Kiera? Hadn’t I already, just by allowing today’s events to happen? Feeling guilty and wanting out of this conversation, I gave Evan the response I knew he wanted to hear. “Don’t worry. Yeah, maybe I’ll drop in later.”

By the smile on his face, I could tell he was satisfied with my answer and he fully expected to see me tonight. “All right, see ya.”

He closed the door and I let out a long, cleansing exhale. I didn’t like what Evan was thinking, but I could understand why he was thinking it. I hadn’t always cared about other people’s relationships. Since every relationship was temporary anyway, there usually wasn’t a reason to let that little tidbit get in the way. But Denny and Kiera were different; they were supposed to be together. I needed to back off and just be Kiera’s friend, because she really needed one right now.

My mind spun and battled while I drove us home. I wanted her friendship, I wanted her arms around me, and I wanted her and Denny to stay together and be obscenely happy. The three desires weren’t compatible, even I knew that, and I also knew that if the physical side of Kiera’s and my relationship continued, it could lead to more. If left unchecked, it might lead to sex, and that would destroy everything, for all three of us. Unless I was strong enough to not let it go that far. Then, maybe I could have the closeness, the connection that I’d had today, but Denny and Kiera could still be a strong couple. Maybe. But it would require a lot of willpower, and ignoring my urges was not something I’d ever been much good at.

When we pulled into the driveway, I shut the car off and looked down at Kiera sleeping on me. She seemed so comfortable, so content. I wanted to stroke her hair, cup her cheek, kiss her forehead. A surging desire was building in me to put both my arms around her and hold her tight. To tell her how much she meant to me, that no one saw me the way she did, no one cared for me the way she did. To tell her I cared about her in a way that sometimes scared the crap out of me. She was comfort and pain, wrapped up in one beautiful package…that wasn’t mine.

I couldn’t say any of that though, so I simply stared at her and thanked whatever fates there were for bringing her into my life.

After a moment, she yawned, stretched, and lifted her head from my shoulder. It was nice to look into her eyes again, but an ache was already shooting through me with the loss of her touch.

“Hey, sleepy,” I whispered, resisting the urge to pull her in close again. “I was beginning to think I’d have to carry you.” I was hoping I would get to carry you.

The imagery seemed to embarrass her. Her eyes were dark in the minimal light, and they flicked away from me as she apologized. “Oh…sorry.”

I laughed as I pictured her cheeks flaming red. So endearing. “It’s all right. I wouldn’t have minded.” I actually would have loved it. “Did you have fun?”

A wide smile broke over her face. “Yes, a lot. Thank you for inviting me.”

The genuine sincerity in her eyes, in her voice was almost too much to bear. You would think I had done something spectacular from the way she was looking at me with such adoration. But I hadn’t done anything. Once again, she was the one who had lifted me up. That was the best afternoon I’d had in…years. “You’re welcome.”

“Sorry you had to hang back with me and miss all the moshing.”

She laughed as she said it, and I shared in her mirth as I looked back at her. “Don’t be. I’d rather hold a beautiful girl than be all bruised tomorrow.” Oops. I probably shouldn’t have said that. It probably wasn’t appropriate for me to call her beautiful, but…she was, and she should know it. Besides, today had been a day full of inappropriateness. What was one more incident?

Thrown off by my praise, Kiera looked down. Not wanting her to feel awkward or uncomfortable around me, I changed the subject. “Well, come on. I’ll get you inside.”

I turned toward my door to open it. In the edge of my vision, I saw her shaking her head. “No, you don’t have to do that. I can manage. You can go on to Pete’s.”

My head snapped around at her comment. How did she know about that? She’d been sleeping when Evan and I had been talking…right? If she hadn’t, if she’d heard Evan’s comment and my weak-ass attempt to defend myself, she might think…well, she might think I was just some sleazy guy who was trying to get in her pants, like Evan had implied. I wasn’t though. I just wanted…I just wanted to be near her. That was all. I wanted a connection with her. Sex was the last thing I wanted.

Maybe seeing my confusion, or panic, I wasn’t sure, Kiera shrugged and said, “I’m guessing that’s where the other D-Bags went off to?”

She wasn’t looking at me like I was a creep, so I relaxed. “Yeah, I don’t have to go though. I mean, if you don’t want to be alone. We could order pizza, watch a movie, or something.” Anything you want, let’s just keep this going a little while longer.

Her stomach suddenly grumbled, like it was on my side. Kiera laughed through her embarrassment. The smile on her face was incredible. “Okay, apparently my stomach votes for option two.”

I grinned. I was going to have to order the best pizza in town to thank her stomach. “All right, then.”

I cracked my door open, stepped out, then held it for her. She crawled out on my side, grabbing my hand as she exited. Her hand was warm and soft, and the connection was instant. Even though we’d been touching like this all day long, I couldn’t get enough. It was such a small thing, really, but I was already addicted to it.

Chapter 8

Cuddling

I was worried when I woke up the next morning. Worried that Kiera would say we’d taken things too far at Bumbershoot. I wasn’t sure what to expect when she came down for coffee, but giving her a warm smile, I started pouring her a cup. I wanted to hug her, put an arm around her…something, but there really was no reason for me to touch her like that. There were no crowds to keep back in my kitchen.

Then she came up to me and rested her head on my shoulder while she let out a long yawn. The tension eased from me as I wrapped an arm around her. It was almost as if she was silently asking me to hold her. She wanted this too. That amazed me.

Her arms timidly came around my waist and she snuggled into me like she was cold. I ran my fingers up and down her bare arms, warming her, and her skin pebbled where I touched it. Her cheeks turned rosier the longer we stared at each other; the flushed look was very alluring. Mixed with her wild hair and slightly askew clothes, it looked like she’d just had sex. I tried to shift my focus, but before I could, a picture of Kiera clutching my back and moaning my name popped into my head. I shoved it aside as I reached over and grabbed the coffee mug I’d poured for her. Regardless of how nice it felt to touch her, it was not okay to go there.

A peaceful smile on my face, I held the mug out for her. “Coffee?” I asked, knowing she would eagerly want some.

Her eyes sparkled as she let me go to gingerly take the mug I was offering. I held in a sad sigh at the fact that she was no longer touching me. But, surprisingly enough, it didn’t end there. After showering and getting ready for the day, Kiera came down with a book and read beside me while I worked on lyrics. She rested her head against my shoulder as I scribbled down random thoughts. After a while, I put my free arm around her shoulders. All she did was let out a happy sigh and cuddle farther into my side. I could have died happy right then and there.

The cuddling continued throughout the week. We hugged in the morning, sometimes for as long as it took the pot to brew, and I would spend what felt like an eternity gently rocking her to the rhythm of the coffee percolating. Holding hands, we’d watch TV before her shift. Whenever we did, I had no recollection of anything we’d watched. Her fingers on my skin were my only concern. On the nights we had off together, I’d skip going out with the guys and we’d stay in, order a pizza, and watch a movie. I’d have my arm around Kiera while she sat with her legs stretched along the cushions. She’d rest her head on my shoulder and I’d close my eyes, content. As long as neither of us brought it up, we could pretend nothing was wrong with what we were doing.