Thoughtful (Thoughtless #1.5)(44)
Author: S.C. Stephens

I kneaded my fingers into her muscles, and she stopped trying to protest. In fact, she melted like warm butter under my hands. “Hmmmm…I could get used to this flirting thing,” she murmured as she relaxed in my embrace. As I laughed at her comment, she asked, “Did you have a bad dream?”

Remembering my dream made me smile as I moved my hands along her shoulder blades. “No…I had a good one, actually.”

“Hmmmm…what about?” Her voice had a slightly distant sound to it, like my fingers were completely distracting her.

I moved my hands down her spine and she made a soft, satisfied noise in her throat. I kept my fingers there while I answered her. “You.” I dug my fingers in deeper and the noise she made intensified.

“Hmmmm…nothing naughty, I hope. We are keeping this innocent, right?”

My fingers moved down to her lower back and she let out a deep exhale full of pleasure. Remembering my sweet, thoughtful dream version of her, I laughed. “No…nothing even remotely scandalous, I promise.”

I started returning my fingers up her back, loosening knots, feeling the rigid muscles turn to Jell-O. Kiera let out a low moan as I worked on a spot holding a lot of tension. “Hmmm…good, I don’t need you thinking about me that way,” she mumbled.

A small pang went through me at the wall between us that was keeping us physically apart, but at least I had this much of her. It would have to do. We didn’t talk any more after that. Kiera seemed too relaxed to keep up a conversation, but I was fine with comfortable silence.

I reveled in the feel of her body under my hands, the smell of her shampoo tickling my nose, the satisfied noises she let out whenever I relieved an ache from her body. As I headed south again, reaching out to get more of her rib cage, she started letting out noises that were darn near indecent. It was captivating to listen to her, and I paused wherever she made a sound. If I closed my eyes, I could pretend that I was making love to her…the sounds coming from her fit perfectly. It made desire rocket through my body. I could feel myself hardening and bit my lip to contain a groan of my own. God, I wanted her.

As her sensual noises continued, my body shifted into readiness. I needed her. When my hands got down to her hips, I shifted my position and pulled her against me. She teasingly just brushed against my jeans. I needed more. I needed to rub against her. I needed to lay her down, pull her clothes off, and thrust inside her. I needed to hear more of her intoxicating sounds. I needed to hear her come.

Thinking I was finished with my massage, Kiera leaned against my chest with a contented sigh. That’s when she seemed to notice that I wasn’t calm and peaceful anymore. I was aching with need and ready for action. I wanted her. That was the only thought in my mind.

I ran my hands up her inner thighs, pulling her into my body, and she spun in my arms. Swallowing back the need coursing through me, I slowly opened my eyes to gaze at her. Her eyes were wide with alarm, and her lips were parted; I wanted to taste them. I could tell by her reaction that she saw the desire on my face. Yes, I want you. I brought my hand to her cheek, and started pulling her into me. I need you.

It looked like it took some effort on her part, but she shook her head. “No…Kellan.”

Hearing that word from her returned a small amount of reason to me. Closing my eyes, I pushed her away. I needed space if I was going to let this pass through me. If I even could. I was so ready for her, my unyielding denims were a little uncomfortable. I focused on the slight pain in my groin instead of the massive amount of pleasure. “I’m sorry. Just give me a minute…”

I felt Kiera move away from me, and I pulled my legs up and locked my elbows around them. I took three calming breaths while I thought about things that were in no way sexy: war, disease…my parents. When I felt more in control—no longer feeling like I needed to throw her on the floor and take her—I opened my eyes. She was intently watching me with a worried expression on her face.

Trying to ease her concern, I smiled. “Sorry…I am trying. But, maybe next time, you could not…uh, make those noises?”

Not realizing she’d been mimicking sex with her groans of pleasure, she blushed bright red and looked away. It was enchanting, and I had to chuckle at her reaction. God, what was I going to do with this woman?

Sometimes I really wasn’t sure, but as long as I could be around her, touch her, feel connected with her, I could handle anything. Even her having sex with another man.

“Will it bother you if Denny and I sleep together?”

Kiera and I were fully engaged in our morning routine—sharing a cuddle while we waited for the coffee to finish brewing. Denny was upstairs, sleeping. Kiera had her arms around my neck and was looking up at me with an expression of regret, pain, and curiosity. Her question cut right to the quick. I really wasn’t sure how I felt about them being together. I was certain they had been—Denny had been home for over a month—but I hadn’t seen or heard anything since that one time, so it was easy enough for me to pretend it wasn’t happening. The thought of them being together churned my stomach. It was making me feel ill right now, with her safely in my arms.

Not really wanting to answer her painful question, I smiled and said, “You sleep with him every night.”

My jackass response earned me a poke in the ribs. “You know what I mean,” she whispered, her cheeks turning a delightful shade of pink.

Being blunt, I rephrased her question. She really needed to get comfortable talking about sex, especially given our…complicated relationship. “Will it bother me if you have sex with your boyfriend?”

The rose color on her face deepened as she nodded. I kept my smile plastered to my face, but didn’t say anything else. How could I? What could I possibly tell her? Yes, I love you with all of my heart, so the thought of you being with him…when I can’t…kills me.

Raising her eyebrow, she gave me a gotcha smile as she said, “Just answer the question.”

I laughed that she’d turned my words against me. Looking away, I sighed and decided to be honest. Somewhat. “Yes, yes it will bother me…but I understand.” I looked back at her, my heart in my eyes. “You’re not mine.” But I’m yours…

Her eyes moistened as she stared at me. I wasn’t sure what she was feeling, but it seemed to be difficult for her. She started to pull away from me, and I clutched at her. I didn’t want her to go. “Just a minute…” she whispered.

Recognizing the words I’d used when I’d been too riled up to be near her, I released her. “I’m fine, Kiera.” You don’t need to pull away from me.

She met my eyes and she looked sad. I hated to see her sad. “I need a minute, Kellan.”

That surprised me. She was worked up enough to want to attack me? Because she felt guilty. It hurt that she felt that way, and at the same time, it warmed me. She wanted me.

We prepared our coffees in silence, then leaned against opposite counters as we sipped them. All the while I wondered what the hell I was doing with her. I should end this before Denny got hurt. But then her voice surged through my brain—Stay. Don’t leave me. Please—and I knew I couldn’t let go. She couldn’t release him, I couldn’t release her. We were all fucked.

I begged Kiera to let me walk to her class, and this time she conceded. I had a feeling it was because she still felt guilty over this morning, but I’d take her pity if it meant I got to spend a little more time with her.

Walking with her felt just like old times, and I savored every second. We talked about inconsequential things—her life, her parents—and I held her hand the entire way. It was bliss. After dropping her off, I went home and sat down to work. My phone rang while I was struggling to come up with a lyric that wasn’t sunshine and happiness. The song I was working on was dark, but Kiera filled me with light, and all I felt at the moment was amazing.

“Yeah?” I said, after picking up the phone.

“Hey, Kell, it’s Matt. Just reminding you about tonight.”

I rolled my eyes. “I know. We’re playing up north. Everett, right?”

“Yep. So you need to be here earlier than usual, so we have time to get up there.”

I was used to Matt calling me, reminding me about stuff, but I swear, sometimes he talked to me like I was five. Or Griffin. “Not a problem. I’ll see you in a few hours.” Shaking my head, I added, “Why did you book a show that far north anyway? Aren’t there plenty of places around here?”

Matt let out a small sigh, like he’d already explained this a couple of times today. “I book the shows wherever I can get them. Pete’s is great, but we need to keep expanding our fan base if we’re ever going to get bigger. That might mean traveling from time to time.”

I shrugged. It didn’t really matter to me if we got huge or not. I just wanted to keep doing this for a while. As long as we could, really. The music was what mattered to me, not all the extra crap. “Okay, you’re the boss.”

Matt laughed at that. “Damn straight, I am. Don’t be late.”

He hung up the phone and I shook my head again. “Okay,” I muttered to the empty room. Matt needed to chill out. Maybe Evan and I could find a girl to hook him up with tonight. Matt tended to be on the shyer side and sometimes needed a little help coming out of his shell. Or a shove. Maybe some feminine attention was just what he needed to mellow out.