Thoughtful (Thoughtless #1.5)(48)
Author: S.C. Stephens

I was dumbstruck for a second. She was giving me permission to sleep around, so long as she knew about it. I found it difficult to wrap my head around that one. Would she really be okay with me having sex with someone else? I was sure that she cared about me, a lot, but maybe it wasn’t as much as I’d thought. I mean, if she wasn’t affected by the idea…But maybe it did bother her as much as it bothered me, just like she’d said, but she was going to allow it to happen anyway, because we could never be a couple. There would always be a Denny-sized wall between us, and she didn’t want to deny me intimate contact…because she was in love with me. She had to be in love with me.

I felt full of sadness as I nodded at her. I wish it were you that I could date.

“So, where do you go?” she asked.

I smiled, welcoming the change of subject. “Where do I go? Well, it depends. Sometimes it’s Matt and Griffin’s place, sometimes it’s Evan’s. Sometimes I drink myself into oblivion on Sam’s doorstep.” I had to laugh at that one. Sam was still mad at me for throwing up on his roses.

“Oh…” She seemed genuinely surprised that my answer was so simple. She must have thought some very nasty thoughts about what I’d been doing. And, at one point in my life, she would have been right. I would have forgotten my problems by flitting from bed to bed. But ever since she had entered the picture, things had changed. I’d changed. And random sex with strangers wasn’t as satisfying as it had once been. It wasn’t even appealing anymore.

Reaching up, she stroked my cheek. The contact sent a thrill straight through me. Why did I need sex when just her touch did that to me? “Where did you go after our first time? I didn’t see you all day, all night. And you came home…”

Shit-faced? Well, I was wandering the city, dreaming up ways to tell you how much I love you, then I came home to hear you screwing my best friend. That’s what happened.

Not able to say any of that, I stood up and held out my hand. “Come on. I’ll give you a ride to Pete’s.”

She took my hand and let me help her up. She wasn’t about to let the conversation die though. “Kellan, you can tell me, I won’t…”

I made myself smile, even though I didn’t feel it. I did not want to talk about this. There was no point. I’d been hoping for a future back then, when we’d made love the first time, but that was a fantasy. I knew the reality, and I physically couldn’t talk to her about this. I couldn’t get the words past my lips. I could barely do it when she was incoherent. Having her stare at me, completely alert, was too much. It was too hard.

“You don’t want to be late,” I told her. Take the hint, this topic is closed. She pursed her lips, annoyed. She hadn’t wanted secrets between us, but there was going to be at least one. Until I was able, until I was positive that saying the words wouldn’t put me in an early grave, I would protect myself the only way I could, the only way I knew how. I’d stay silent and keep my feelings to myself.

Boasting her independence, Kiera told me, “You don’t have to give me a ride everywhere, you know.” When I gave her a playful smirk, she pouted. “I managed just fine without you.” I didn’t let her see, but her words sent a chill through me. I know you did.

I stayed with Kiera at the bar instead of heading to Evan’s for practice. I was sure Matt would be irritated when I didn’t show up, which would only make him angry at me again. But maybe not. He was probably really hungover. Maybe he wanted a night off. I thought about calling him and finding out for sure, but I was afraid he’d tell me to get my butt over there. And I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be here, laughing with Kiera and teaching her how to play pool. Sort of.

Griffin and Evan came in while I had Kiera bent over the pool table, helping her line up her shot, even though I had no idea what I was doing. I felt a little strange about having the guys see me in that position with her, but I acted like it was no big deal. Two friends playing a friendly game. Nothing to see here. Smiling, Griffin immediately grabbed a stick and started chalking up the tip, like he was playing the winner. Kiera and I were tied…we each still had most of our balls on the table. Pool just wasn’t my game. Kiera’s either. She was the first person I’d ever played who was just as bad as me. It was refreshing to actually have a chance for once.

After Kiera’s attempt missed, I tried my hand. I couldn’t see anything on the table worth hitting, so I just smacked one of the closest balls and hoped for the best. When I scratched, Griffin snorted and Evan patted my back. “You’ve got to look a few shots ahead, Kellan. Blindly hitting balls won’t get you anywhere.”

I gave Evan a sour expression. “Seeing a few shots ahead would require premonition. And if I could see into the future, I wouldn’t waste the superpower on a stupid pool game.”

Evan laughed, then asked, “What would you do with it?”

I looked past Evan to Jenny. She was walking from a table near the stage to the bar with a bright smile on her face, like today was the greatest day of her life. She almost always looked like that. “I would help out my friends, of course.”

Evan turned to look at what I was looking at, then he rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe you’re still on that. Give it a rest already.”

I shrugged as a laugh escaped me. Teasing Evan and Jenny about their soul mate potential was one of my favorite pastimes. “I only call ’em as I see ’em.”

Evan shook his head, then glanced over at Kiera. His deep brown eyes grew inquisitive. “And what about you? Any new developments?”

My smile dropped a smidge. If he wanted me to ease up on his love life, then he needed to ease up on mine too. “Nope, nothing new.” I turned to watch Kiera miraculously sink a ball. She seemed shocked that she had, and snapped her eyes to mine. She let out a little squeal of happiness and did a little jig. It was adorable, and all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her. Returning my attention to Evan, I quickly changed the subject. “Where’s Matt? Was he mad I didn’t show?”

Evan cringed. “No…he’s…um…not feeling so hot. He spent most of the afternoon alternating between lying down and throwing up. Griffin and I finally took him home before coming out here.” He scratched his shaved head. “We may have gone a little overboard on cheering him up last night.”

I shook my head, grateful that at least I hadn’t made him mad again. “Poor guy. Next time he should just accept the prostitute with a smile.”

Evan laughed and we both looked over at Griffin. He was leaning over a woman sitting on a stool, chatting with her friend. It was clear from his stance that he was trying to see down the girl’s shirt. Just as I was thinking it, Evan muttered, “Jackass.”

I was laughing with him when Kiera approached me. Seeing my smile made her beam. Her eyes were a pale shade of green tonight. Mesmerizing. “My break is over. You’ll have to finish the game with someone else.”

Leaning against my stick, I dramatized scanning the room. “Hmmm…whom to lose to?”

Kiera laughed, then placed her fingers on my shoulder. My skin tingled where she was touching me. “You shouldn’t go into it thinking you’re going to lose. You should always think you’re going to win.” She squeezed my shoulder, then turned and left. Conscious of Evan’s eyes on me, I watched her leave. Her words floated around my brain on a never-ending loop: Always think you’re going to win.

But the only thing I really want to win, Kiera, is you.

Matt was right as rain the next day. I showed up to practice extra early, just to make up for the last couple of nights. He seemed surprised to see me on time. He seemed even more surprised when I gave him and Evan a new song to start working on. As much as Matt loved perfecting the old stuff, he loved new tunes even more. “We need to stay fresh, keep moving forward,” he often told us.

I loved watching the way his pale eyes lit up as he read through new lyrics. He was bobbing his head to a beat only he could hear as he instantly created a song in his mind. He peeked up at me before flipping the page. “This is good. Really good.”

His eyes returned to the paper, so he missed seeing me shrug. “It’s all right.” The lyrics he was looking at were pretty peppy, upbeat…almost sappy. It wasn’t like the stuff we typically sang about. It was…romantic, I guess. It was about finding that person who completed you, and discovering that you completed them too. It was wishful thinking on my part. I didn’t make Kiera whole. Denny did.

After rehearsal, we all went to Pete’s. Evan and Matt busied themselves over a melody for the new song, while Griffin busied himself with dancing on the table to “Baby Got Back.” Eventually his antics got Pete’s attention, and he was thankfully ordered off the table, but not before we all had a good laugh. The smile on Kiera’s face was intoxicating to watch, and my eyes didn’t leave her for very long.

It was only because of my incessant need to watch her every move that I saw something disturbing. Some asshole in her section reached up her skirt and grabbed her leg. Sometimes the drunker customers would try to hit on the staff. Not the regulars, but the drop-ins. I had never seen the guy currently accosting Kiera before, but I was about to get up close and personal with him and his friend. I started to stand, but Kiera had already moved away from him. I settled back in my seat, watching the guy. If he touched her again, he was dead.