Thoughtful (Thoughtless #1.5)(57)
Author: S.C. Stephens

I couldn’t take the teasing anymore. I needed more. I needed to act, or I was going to explode. With a low groan, I bit my lip and started running my fingers up her shirt. She was so soft, so warm, she smelled so good. Yes.

“Please…say something. Do you…? Do you want me to—”

She still hadn’t said anything, and I was at the end of my rope. I couldn’t stop myself anymore, and the uncrossable line evaporated. A shaky exhale left me as I angled my mouth so I could reach hers. I needed a taste. Just a taste. I ran my tongue along the inside of her upper lip. Oh God…she tasted so good. More. Yes.

My fingers traveled over her bra, and her nipples were rigid, ready. I wanted to taste them too. I continued along her bra strap until I got to her back. That perfect, sexy back. I wanted to run my tongue down it.

Kiera let out a ragged sigh and closed her eyes. She wasn’t saying no; she wanted me to do this. A groan escaped me as I kissed her upper lip. My tongue darted inside the warmth of her mouth. God yes, I’ve missed this. I’ve dreamed of this. I’ve wanted to have this again, so much. Yes, let me love you.

An erotic gasp left Kiera’s lips. It was a plea for more. She finally wanted more. One of my hands found her neck, and I pulled her into me for a kiss full of passion and promise. Yes, let me worship your body. Let me in…don’t push me away.

But that was exactly what she did. With both hands against my chest, she shoved me as far away from her as she could. No, she didn’t want this. And right after I’d promised her I’d do better. She was going to end this now. I’d gone too far.

I held my hands up, pleading. “I’m sorry. I thought…”

She stormed over to me, put one hand on my chest, one around my neck, and pulled me into her. Not sure what she was doing, I stopped talking and backed up a step. She pulled me into her again and stared me down. Her face was pure passion and desire. She wasn’t pushing me away. She wasn’t rejecting me. This was happening. We were going to be together again. We were going to make love again. Fuck, I wanted her so bad.

She ran her hands down to my pants and pulled on the loops of my jeans until our hips touched. Her body sent ripples of desire through mine. Yes. We were going to be together soon. We’d be tangled up in each other’s arms, naked, electrified. Her lips would be on mine, her tongue would trace the outline of my abs. My hands would feel every soft inch of her. My fingers would feel her wetness. And I would taste her before I entered her. I was going to take her, right here, right now…with Denny right next door.

Fuck.

“Kiera…?” I couldn’t say it. I could only glance toward her bedroom and hope she knew what I meant. Do you want to do this, when he’s right there, only a few feet away?

My actions broke through her fog of desire. I could see the indecision on her face, the instant pain and confusion, and I immediately wanted to take the question back. I wanted to wrap my arms around her, pull her onto my bed…do all the things I’d dreamed of doing with her, and forget all the reasons why we couldn’t. Reality could wait, I just wanted a moment of bliss to physically deepen our connection. But I’d already ruined it by ripping apart the illusion we’d constructed and allowing reality to crash down upon us, drowning us. There was no going back now.

Determination filled Kiera’s face, like she was fortifying herself. Before she even said the words, I knew she was finally putting a stop to this. Leaning into me, she breathed, “Don’t touch me again. I’m not yours.” Her eyes watered after she said it, like it cut her to be so blunt with me. But her resolve was firm, and after shoving me onto the bed, she fled from the room.

Stunned, crushed, and still hard with desire, I lay there on my mattress and grieved. I’d had her. For the briefest of seconds, I’d had her, then I’d lost her. She was gone, and we were over. She hadn’t said the words, but I knew…the innocence had been lost, and it couldn’t be returned, no matter how hard we tried. This farce was over.

Chapter 19

Jealousy

I didn’t sleep much. I kept thinking about Kiera and wondering what she was going to say the next time I saw her. I already knew what I would say—I’m sorry. I’ll do better. It was the only response I could think to give her, but I already knew it wouldn’t be enough.

When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I got up and went downstairs to make some coffee. My stomach was in knots, and I felt like I was going to be sick. What would she say? Would she end this?

When Kiera finally appeared, I instantly put a hand on her arm. “Kiera, I’m sorry. I went too far. I’ll be good.”

She brushed me away, and I knew it was the beginning of the end for us. “No, Kellan. We went way past innocent flirting a long time ago. We can’t go back to that time. We’re not those people anymore. It was a stupid idea to try.”

I was aware of that, but hearing her say it made a jolt of pain rip through me. It might not be innocent, it might not have ever been innocent, but I still wanted it. Right or wrong, she was all I could think about. “But…don’t end this, please.”

She looked pained and conflicted, but her answer was firm. “I have to, Kellan. Denny knows something’s not right. I don’t think he suspects what…or you…but he knows I’ve been distracted.” Biting her lip, she looked down. I could tell she didn’t want to say any of this, but she felt like she had no choice. “Denny and I haven’t…done anything…in a long time and he’s hurt. I’m hurting him.”

Grief and relief hit me at the same time. Denny was hurting…but they hadn’t been sleeping together every night. I looked down so she wouldn’t see that their abstinence pleased me. I had no right to be happy that Denny was miserable. “You don’t have to. I’ve never asked you to not…be with him. I know you two are going to…I told you, I understand.”

I hated this conversation. I really wanted to tell her that I was glad they weren’t doing anything. I didn’t want her touching Denny. But she wasn’t mine, and I had no right to put any stipulations on her. Whatever small part of herself she was willing to give to me was fine, so long as I got something.

My answer made her worn eyes even sadder; it was clear she’d slept about as little as I had. “I know, Kellan, but I’ve been so preoccupied, wrapped up in you…” She let out a heavy sigh. “I’m ignoring him.”

A surge of hope went through me, and it burned as it radiated around my heart. Grabbing her arms, I pulled her in close. I searched her eyes, looking for a glimpse of the love that I sometimes felt from her. “You’re wrapped up in me. What does that say, Kiera? You want to be with me. You want to be more than friends. Some part of you wants me too.” I know you have feelings for me. I know there’s something here between us. You begged me to stay.

Shutting me out, she closed her eyes. “Please, Kellan, you’re tearing me in two. I can’t…I can’t do this anymore.”

She was pushing me away, and it was hurting her; she didn’t really want to do this. She wanted me, and she didn’t want to end this any more than I wanted her to. “Kiera, look at me…please.” If she’d only open her eyes, see the sincerity on my face, then she wouldn’t end this. I love you. Don’t leave me.

Her eyes compressed so tightly together that her eyelashes interlaced. “No, I can’t, okay? This isn’t right, it doesn’t feel right. You don’t feel right. Just don’t, please don’t touch me anymore.”

She was lying. I knew she was. Nothing on earth felt more right than when we held each other. We were meant to be together. “Kiera, I know you don’t really feel that way.” Holding her to me, feeling that rightness wrap around me, I whispered in her ear, “I know you feel something here…” It just has to be love that you feel for me. It has to be…You cried for me.

She opened her eyes, but didn’t look at me. Gaze focused on my chest, she firmly pushed herself away from me. “No. I don’t want you. I want to be with him. I’m in love with him.”

Every word she spoke was like a chunk being torn out of my heart. I didn’t want to hear it, I didn’t want to believe it, but…I knew she was telling the truth. I’d always known Denny was her choice. I couldn’t compete with him. I didn’t stand a chance.

Kiera finally looked up at me then. She had to see the agony on my face, but that didn’t stop her. With compassionate eyes, she finished ripping my heart to pieces. “I’m attracted to you…but I feel nothing for you, Kellan.”

I feel nothing for you? Nothing? So, she didn’t love me after all. There was nothing I could say to that, so I let her go and left the kitchen.

I couldn’t be in the house with her. Hearing her, seeing her…smelling her…it hurt too much. I felt numb, and I couldn’t believe that it was over. It was actually over. A part of me didn’t want to let go. I wanted to keep teasing her, riling her up, making her remember what we had together. But if she didn’t feel anything for me, what was the point? I didn’t just want to be a good time to her, I wanted her to care. I thought she’d cared. I’d been so sure, but I was wrong.